Help is not too far away
Sometimes I find myself in an emotional situation and I think, it can't get worse than this. I really need to quit thinking.
Today was anxiety day. Not sure why. Maybe the knee stuff, maybe class, maybe the come down of finally getting two new sites published that were scheduled to be done over a month ago, maybe the thoughts of rewriting the narrative. I am not sure the actual reason and the anxiety was not looking for a reason to exist.
It had been like a wave with its intensity. I pulled my tricks out....breathe, relax, visualize, distract. No rock in my pocket - I was kind of like Linus without his blanket. My coworker offered me a matchbox car to carry around for the day. I kindly declined. Later we agreed that I should have taken the car. No matter the choice, it was just momentary relief. I disappeared from work to go, sit, and color for about an hour. One moment I was calm while the next I could hardly color from shaking so bad. I continually told myself, "Shhhh....calm down, you are ok."
Karen's client left not long after I got there. I kept fighting a bit with myself once I realized another client was not coming in. "Go talk to her" I kept saying as the anxiety would fire up. I didn't. I didn't know what to say. Besides, my top rule I made for myself long ago is not to interrupt anyone when I am there and not there for an appointment. I feel that everyone is nice enough to let me come, I don't need to be a problem. I was there to color and try to relax, not bother anyone. I do chuckle as a sidebar, as I don't think the Urban Legend has a clue why I am randomly there from time to time when Chris isn't. She always smiles and says hello though.
So, back to whatever my point was...
It got me today, got me good. I honestly thought I was going to end up in the ER tonight. That was not even a cop-out thought. I was that frightened and having that much trouble getting on top of it. It is my guess that the only reason I did not end up there was because, as scary as it was, I used my resources. I didn't try to go it alone.
When I stepped out of the meeting to get some air, Joe had texted. I told him what was happening and he asked if I wanted him to call me and talk for a few. My first thought was no and I started typing some "I'm fine" reply. About three words in, I hit the call button. I thought, I am alone in this at the moment and I do not have to be.
I soon sat down before I fell down. I knew I could not make the walk back and it was well over an hour before the meeting ended and the bus came back. I texted my coworker and asked if they would come get me. Yes, I asked for help.
They got me back to my office then sat and talked to me and stayed with me until things finally calmed to where I could get up and about on my own. I did not even argue with them. I let them do it. They got me to laughing and thinking of different things. They got me to where I got off the floor and was able to sit in my office chair and then they went about their work, checking on me multiple times.
As it subsided to a functioning level, I realized I could take the hospital trip off the list. Maybe it was because I acted on an offer to help, I asked for help, I accepted help, and I allowed someone to help me without argument.
Maybe I am getting it a little more. Could do without the anxiety as the catalyst though.
Today was anxiety day. Not sure why. Maybe the knee stuff, maybe class, maybe the come down of finally getting two new sites published that were scheduled to be done over a month ago, maybe the thoughts of rewriting the narrative. I am not sure the actual reason and the anxiety was not looking for a reason to exist.
Karen's client left not long after I got there. I kept fighting a bit with myself once I realized another client was not coming in. "Go talk to her" I kept saying as the anxiety would fire up. I didn't. I didn't know what to say. Besides, my top rule I made for myself long ago is not to interrupt anyone when I am there and not there for an appointment. I feel that everyone is nice enough to let me come, I don't need to be a problem. I was there to color and try to relax, not bother anyone. I do chuckle as a sidebar, as I don't think the Urban Legend has a clue why I am randomly there from time to time when Chris isn't. She always smiles and says hello though.
So, back to whatever my point was...
It got me today, got me good. I honestly thought I was going to end up in the ER tonight. That was not even a cop-out thought. I was that frightened and having that much trouble getting on top of it. It is my guess that the only reason I did not end up there was because, as scary as it was, I used my resources. I didn't try to go it alone.
I soon sat down before I fell down. I knew I could not make the walk back and it was well over an hour before the meeting ended and the bus came back. I texted my coworker and asked if they would come get me. Yes, I asked for help.
They got me back to my office then sat and talked to me and stayed with me until things finally calmed to where I could get up and about on my own. I did not even argue with them. I let them do it. They got me to laughing and thinking of different things. They got me to where I got off the floor and was able to sit in my office chair and then they went about their work, checking on me multiple times.
As it subsided to a functioning level, I realized I could take the hospital trip off the list. Maybe it was because I acted on an offer to help, I asked for help, I accepted help, and I allowed someone to help me without argument.
Maybe I am getting it a little more. Could do without the anxiety as the catalyst though.