I may fail, yet I don't quit
It has been a few rough weeks in the eating issues recovery world. Although I have been hiding from here, my daily journaling in my food log can nicely outline the struggle. I find myself having my internal conversation, "You need to talk about this....I don't want to talk about this.....if I avoid it maybe it will go away.....maybe it will get better on its own." I know that is one big huge myth. It isn't going to go away...ever. It is not going to get better if I run from it. I can't fight it alone. I can't get on top of it if I don't keep trying to understand it. There have been too many, "this is too overwhelming" moments. I can't let myself go there. Ok, maybe I can go there, I just can't stay there.
There is this amazing lady at church. We have worked together on projects and in the different auxiliary organizations. I love her death, yet some days I just shake my head. She is aware of most of my struggles and is even part of the "leadership" (I am not sure really what we are called) of the addiction/recovery program. Sometimes she doesn't get it though. Too many times I hear "you can't have eating issues, you ate while you were at my house" or "well, just eat then." I try to explain that it is so much larger than food, yet it never seems to register. Yesterday she pointed out how much better I look when I wear clothes that actually are my size and fit (I was wearing a shirt that was more form fitting). I thanked her for the comment, as I know it was genuine, and it is not the first time I have heard it. She went on to note how I need to get new clothes and get rid of those baggy things. Again, I did not take offense, for I know she was meaning well, even if was coming across a little rough. She eventually stopped.....thankfully.
I like my bigger clothes. Ok, so maybe I should say it more like this - I am not a big fan of form fitting clothes on myself. I am very self conscious of my size and shape. I know how many rolls I have and where they are, I don't need others to notice too. I often joke, "well, at least it is just one roll now instead of three" and that is just me trying to be comfortable with the idea that people can make out the one roll. I applaud those who wear clothes that are actually their size and fitting. I really do - that is not even sarcastic. I wish I was as comfortable with my body as they are. A size or two bigger helps me to hide. No one really knows if you are gaining/losing weight. I have been known to turn the car around and go back home to change my shirt because I felt it was just way too close to that line that screams, "fat person here!!!" I get asked once in a while why I don't want to show off my "new body" after all the weight loss. I generally come up with some random "filler" reply and move on. I didn't lose weight to show off my body and I never have desired to do so, therefore why should that even be a goal of mine?
I sometimes wonder if I am fighting a losing battle. If I am trying to push and push to open a door that I should be pulling on to get open. I have tried three times now to go and get that steak dinner and all three times I have backed out. I sit with my salad and listen to my thoughts of "this is what you get, this is what you are worth." I guess it is good that I like salad. It gets old, and still, I do like it.
My chest aches. I can feel my heart beating like a bulldozer. I can actually see my shirt move with each beat. It's the anxiety. It's been my co-pilot with eating lately. If it doesn't join me before a meal, it joins in during and after. It tells me "don't eat/eat less and I will go away." I am not sure if it better or worse realizing what is happening. There is that "oh here we go again" feeling and then there is the "I just don't want to deal with this right now" thought. Both do not generally get me to a good spot. I get frustrated with myself - how did I get to this place, what did I do have these consequences, why am I so afraid of standing up and taking charge, why can't I trust myself. It is a cycle. I often wonder if I am strong enough to get through any of this - the eating issues, the emotional issues, the destructive thoughts. My saving grace right now is that in those moments I want to give up and give in, I remember how many people are cheering me on (whether they really understand what is going on or not) and if I mess up now, how many I would be letting down or disappointing.
I get tired - emotionally and physically. I have to keep moving forward though, I just have to. There are moments like this one, ones where I just want to crumple in the corner and say, "I'm done." The ones where I would not blame anyone for turning and walking away. The ones that could render comments from "I thought she was stronger" to "I thought she would make it" to "she just gave up." Sometimes I wonder if I can just give up for like one minute. Sixty seconds of no more fighting. The irony? I don't think I know how to give up. Even if I were to "get permission" I do not even know what it would mean or what I would do. It's not in me to give up. Even when I have failed, it has not been because I gave up.
I may fail, yet I don't quit.
There is this amazing lady at church. We have worked together on projects and in the different auxiliary organizations. I love her death, yet some days I just shake my head. She is aware of most of my struggles and is even part of the "leadership" (I am not sure really what we are called) of the addiction/recovery program. Sometimes she doesn't get it though. Too many times I hear "you can't have eating issues, you ate while you were at my house" or "well, just eat then." I try to explain that it is so much larger than food, yet it never seems to register. Yesterday she pointed out how much better I look when I wear clothes that actually are my size and fit (I was wearing a shirt that was more form fitting). I thanked her for the comment, as I know it was genuine, and it is not the first time I have heard it. She went on to note how I need to get new clothes and get rid of those baggy things. Again, I did not take offense, for I know she was meaning well, even if was coming across a little rough. She eventually stopped.....thankfully.
I like my bigger clothes. Ok, so maybe I should say it more like this - I am not a big fan of form fitting clothes on myself. I am very self conscious of my size and shape. I know how many rolls I have and where they are, I don't need others to notice too. I often joke, "well, at least it is just one roll now instead of three" and that is just me trying to be comfortable with the idea that people can make out the one roll. I applaud those who wear clothes that are actually their size and fitting. I really do - that is not even sarcastic. I wish I was as comfortable with my body as they are. A size or two bigger helps me to hide. No one really knows if you are gaining/losing weight. I have been known to turn the car around and go back home to change my shirt because I felt it was just way too close to that line that screams, "fat person here!!!" I get asked once in a while why I don't want to show off my "new body" after all the weight loss. I generally come up with some random "filler" reply and move on. I didn't lose weight to show off my body and I never have desired to do so, therefore why should that even be a goal of mine?
I sometimes wonder if I am fighting a losing battle. If I am trying to push and push to open a door that I should be pulling on to get open. I have tried three times now to go and get that steak dinner and all three times I have backed out. I sit with my salad and listen to my thoughts of "this is what you get, this is what you are worth." I guess it is good that I like salad. It gets old, and still, I do like it.
My chest aches. I can feel my heart beating like a bulldozer. I can actually see my shirt move with each beat. It's the anxiety. It's been my co-pilot with eating lately. If it doesn't join me before a meal, it joins in during and after. It tells me "don't eat/eat less and I will go away." I am not sure if it better or worse realizing what is happening. There is that "oh here we go again" feeling and then there is the "I just don't want to deal with this right now" thought. Both do not generally get me to a good spot. I get frustrated with myself - how did I get to this place, what did I do have these consequences, why am I so afraid of standing up and taking charge, why can't I trust myself. It is a cycle. I often wonder if I am strong enough to get through any of this - the eating issues, the emotional issues, the destructive thoughts. My saving grace right now is that in those moments I want to give up and give in, I remember how many people are cheering me on (whether they really understand what is going on or not) and if I mess up now, how many I would be letting down or disappointing.
I get tired - emotionally and physically. I have to keep moving forward though, I just have to. There are moments like this one, ones where I just want to crumple in the corner and say, "I'm done." The ones where I would not blame anyone for turning and walking away. The ones that could render comments from "I thought she was stronger" to "I thought she would make it" to "she just gave up." Sometimes I wonder if I can just give up for like one minute. Sixty seconds of no more fighting. The irony? I don't think I know how to give up. Even if I were to "get permission" I do not even know what it would mean or what I would do. It's not in me to give up. Even when I have failed, it has not been because I gave up.
I may fail, yet I don't quit.