Blank slate

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My park bench, my rules. At least there is something in my life that I have complete control over. Too bad it is an imaginary object.

I love to rock, as there is something very comforting and soothing about it. Did you know there is actually something called "Rocking Chair Therapy"? When I was out mowing last weekend, I finished the neighbors lawn and then sat in their porch glider for about a half hour. I should look into getting one, I have the perfect place for it and it would encourage me to get the porch fixed before the snow flies.

As for my virtual park bench, yes, it can rock. This is my executive decision. As well, isn't it fun to sit and rock with someone? I always loved sitting on porch swings with someone, seeing who could get it to go better. Usually, I was at the mercy of the other person as my feet did not always touch the ground. Growing up, my best friend had one in the back yard that we would sit in for hours and just talk and laugh and carry on. If I remember correctly, the chain would un-hinge if you rocked too far. Yah, those were moments we still laugh about. So, if you come sit with me, be ready to swing back and forth.

At least I have my bench. At least it has not gone anywhere. I sit (and rock) and look out in the distance. I can't make anything out. There is no park, no lake, just a blank slate. I keep thinking something might appear, something might just fill in and I will know where I am and where I am going, yet it just is wide open and empty. I guess that means I have to fill it in.

I have fought, at a certain level, change in my life in regards to the idea that what lies ahead of me can be whatever I want it to be. The notion of it, although a bit alluring, is also scary as all hell. It is not really that it is "new territory" as there was a time that I lived in such a way. Each day was a new day and whatever came my way, came my way. I think that was called being innocent and naive. It was a time when things that were big and scary did not seem to be so, as I had not learned that their existence was not the norm. Ignorance is bliss.

It is a little overwhelming, kind of like silence. I always comment on how loud complete silence is. Even if it just the buzz of a light, that small sound gives you point of reference, something to keep you grounded in a moment or in a place.

I am "getting there" and yet I am not quite there yet. I am sure it is one of those journeys that never quite ends. So maybe the thing here is that I am slowly starting to see some sunlight from the darkness that has surrounded me for so long. It is beautiful and unfamiliar at the same time. It kind of hurts my eyes to start at it too long. I am still a bit weary and skeptical of it - will I get close to it and it will shut down right in front of me while there is some sinister laughter in the background?

I am still weary about things. Whether it is experiencing something new or remembering something from an earlier time in my life, it is still unfamiliar. My confidence is not what it used to be, I spook easy. I have people around me willing to help me and walk with me and they really are not going to run away - that is really new. Ok, maybe the existence of these people is not new, yet my realization and acceptance to lean on or use them is much different. And to allow myself to accept they won't run at the first sign of distress is new as well. I understand that if they do, it is their choice, yet hopefully not as a result of something I have done.

At the end of the day, it is all different. Whether new, old, remembering, or whatever...it is different. I hopefully will continue to learn what to do with it, how to recognize it, how to describe it, how to live in it.

I may not see much ahead of me right now that is familiar, yet I do have an amazing rocking park bench to enjoy in the meantime.

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