Sometimes I cry
...in my dreams.
Chris made a few comments in session last night that got my brain going (as if it had not been churning enough). I was talking about how I felt sad and it was kind of like it was there and just not moving forward. I was getting frustrated because of that. Feeling like if I am to the point I am feeling sad, then it is kind of cruel joke for it to just sit there and do nothing. Kind of like when you are cold and cannot get enough layers of clothes and blankets on. You may not get colder, yet you don't get any warmer either.
In the past, when I got/felt sad, it did not stay around long, I didn't let it. I quickly buried it under anger as not to give into the big myth of "if I am sad I am not in control." Chris made reference to that and it got me thinking that I have not been doing that, I am just being sad and letting it sit there (even if it doesn't go anywhere). I guess that is actually a step forward, eh? You know, all this is so new to me. I am always amazed when things like this are pointed out because it makes me realize that although I may feel like I am not progressing, I really am.
She said maybe the sadness, like the littlest one, is just showing itself a little at a time to make sure it is safe before it comes out a little more. Yup, makes complete sense. Actually, it made me start thinking about what is the correlation between the two? The fact there is this piece of me (the littlest one) that has been defined as being scared, afraid, not feeling safe, and.....sad. I have shared that I feel the presence of the little one more and more lately yet it is like she is quietly peeking around the corner, deciding if it is ok to come out. Present enough to get a sense of what is going on, far enough away to control her safety. As the other kids have found some peace and calm in their places and roles, that leaves the littlest one a place to start healing. If you asked me when I started "allowing" myself to feel sad without pushing it away with anger I could not give you a definite answer. It is my guess, though, that is has come along in the same time frame as working with the kids.
I am one of those people who believe that dreams have more meaning than things that just happen when we sleep. Sure, there are many dreams that have no purpose other than to make you wonder what you ate before you went to bed, yet I believe there are many that carry messages for us too. Some are direct, some not so much. Sometimes it is just to remind us that we are being thought about. As well, sometimes it is a place where we are able to do things we cannot do in our awake hours. One key, at least in my dreams, that I know they are "of purpose" is location. There are certain places that I find myself at over and over in my dreams. Even if there are different things happening, it will be the same or very familiar location.
Quite a while ago I had a dream that was located at my grandmother's and their neighbor's property. Of course, as with dreams, things are not always exactly the same. Even though there was a lot of visual difference, I knew exactly where I was. In this dream, my grandfather had built a new shop. It was enormous and it was split into two parts with one section being rows and rows of carpentry tools and supplies. It had to be the celestial kingdom of carpentry. I remember walking through there, feeling joyous, excited, and safe. Just as I had felt as a kid in real life when I worked in the shop with my grandpa or dad, it was a great place. There were pieces of work he had made, and all things in there, right down to the nails and bolts, were things he had gathered. It was quite the amazing place! That location came around a few other times and even if the dream did not have me in the shop, I could look over at it, and knew that it was a safe and wonderful feeling.
A couple months ago, while dreaming in this location, things had changed. Grandpa was gone and the shop was closed up. There were locks on the doors and it couldn't be accessed. You couldn't see into the windows. It was secured up to "keep anyone from taking stuff out of there." I remember feeling sad because I just wanted to have my grandfather's stuff and since it seemed that I was the only family member around, it was heartbreaking. Over time the shop would be there in the dream, in the distance, closed and dark. One time I was in the bays of shop and excited that I would be able to get into the tool room. In approaching the doors, they would not open. Other times, I would be told everything in there was gone, although I never saw it for myself. It had been sold, taken away, or whatever. Grandpa was gone, it wasn't his anymore, it was gone, and I needed to forget about it. It was heartbreaking each time, yet the dreams went on with whatever the story line was.
Last night I found myself dreaming back in that location again. I figure it was because of the conversation at session. I ran to the windows to try and look in again, and this time I could see in them. Everything was still there - untouched, just as grandpa had left it. In the dream I broke down crying, sad for a time that was gone and happy for existence of things that I had been convinced were lost. I cried and cried....no anger, no fear.
I would get into the shop and although the dream would change things around, it was a place with belongings of my grandparents that I recognized from years of being with them. There was someone in the dream that did not want anyone in to see the items so, like the littlest one, I stood around the corner watching and looking, trying to decide if it was safe to step out. I would find a point where it looked good and I stepped into the rows of items. I picked up a multitude of different things. I held them in my hands, feeling their shape and remembering the times and places they fit in history. Each item came with a memory...a good one. Although most of the items didn't match anything from real life, they had a place in that dream world. At one point Joe was there and the conversations were "look! remember this!" and so on.
I would soon awake and lay there with a small smile on my face. In that moment, everything was ok and there was no doubt that it wouldn't be. I remembered that even though the physical world changes, no one can take away our memories. I was reminded that loved ones are really not that far away and one day we really will be all together again. The surroundings may be different, yet the feelings will be genuine and real. In time, all things work out. Everything will be ok.
I rolled over knowing it was going to be a great day, and at that moment it was....then I read my email.
Chris made a few comments in session last night that got my brain going (as if it had not been churning enough). I was talking about how I felt sad and it was kind of like it was there and just not moving forward. I was getting frustrated because of that. Feeling like if I am to the point I am feeling sad, then it is kind of cruel joke for it to just sit there and do nothing. Kind of like when you are cold and cannot get enough layers of clothes and blankets on. You may not get colder, yet you don't get any warmer either.
In the past, when I got/felt sad, it did not stay around long, I didn't let it. I quickly buried it under anger as not to give into the big myth of "if I am sad I am not in control." Chris made reference to that and it got me thinking that I have not been doing that, I am just being sad and letting it sit there (even if it doesn't go anywhere). I guess that is actually a step forward, eh? You know, all this is so new to me. I am always amazed when things like this are pointed out because it makes me realize that although I may feel like I am not progressing, I really am.
She said maybe the sadness, like the littlest one, is just showing itself a little at a time to make sure it is safe before it comes out a little more. Yup, makes complete sense. Actually, it made me start thinking about what is the correlation between the two? The fact there is this piece of me (the littlest one) that has been defined as being scared, afraid, not feeling safe, and.....sad. I have shared that I feel the presence of the little one more and more lately yet it is like she is quietly peeking around the corner, deciding if it is ok to come out. Present enough to get a sense of what is going on, far enough away to control her safety. As the other kids have found some peace and calm in their places and roles, that leaves the littlest one a place to start healing. If you asked me when I started "allowing" myself to feel sad without pushing it away with anger I could not give you a definite answer. It is my guess, though, that is has come along in the same time frame as working with the kids.
I am one of those people who believe that dreams have more meaning than things that just happen when we sleep. Sure, there are many dreams that have no purpose other than to make you wonder what you ate before you went to bed, yet I believe there are many that carry messages for us too. Some are direct, some not so much. Sometimes it is just to remind us that we are being thought about. As well, sometimes it is a place where we are able to do things we cannot do in our awake hours. One key, at least in my dreams, that I know they are "of purpose" is location. There are certain places that I find myself at over and over in my dreams. Even if there are different things happening, it will be the same or very familiar location.
Quite a while ago I had a dream that was located at my grandmother's and their neighbor's property. Of course, as with dreams, things are not always exactly the same. Even though there was a lot of visual difference, I knew exactly where I was. In this dream, my grandfather had built a new shop. It was enormous and it was split into two parts with one section being rows and rows of carpentry tools and supplies. It had to be the celestial kingdom of carpentry. I remember walking through there, feeling joyous, excited, and safe. Just as I had felt as a kid in real life when I worked in the shop with my grandpa or dad, it was a great place. There were pieces of work he had made, and all things in there, right down to the nails and bolts, were things he had gathered. It was quite the amazing place! That location came around a few other times and even if the dream did not have me in the shop, I could look over at it, and knew that it was a safe and wonderful feeling.
A couple months ago, while dreaming in this location, things had changed. Grandpa was gone and the shop was closed up. There were locks on the doors and it couldn't be accessed. You couldn't see into the windows. It was secured up to "keep anyone from taking stuff out of there." I remember feeling sad because I just wanted to have my grandfather's stuff and since it seemed that I was the only family member around, it was heartbreaking. Over time the shop would be there in the dream, in the distance, closed and dark. One time I was in the bays of shop and excited that I would be able to get into the tool room. In approaching the doors, they would not open. Other times, I would be told everything in there was gone, although I never saw it for myself. It had been sold, taken away, or whatever. Grandpa was gone, it wasn't his anymore, it was gone, and I needed to forget about it. It was heartbreaking each time, yet the dreams went on with whatever the story line was.
Last night I found myself dreaming back in that location again. I figure it was because of the conversation at session. I ran to the windows to try and look in again, and this time I could see in them. Everything was still there - untouched, just as grandpa had left it. In the dream I broke down crying, sad for a time that was gone and happy for existence of things that I had been convinced were lost. I cried and cried....no anger, no fear.
I would get into the shop and although the dream would change things around, it was a place with belongings of my grandparents that I recognized from years of being with them. There was someone in the dream that did not want anyone in to see the items so, like the littlest one, I stood around the corner watching and looking, trying to decide if it was safe to step out. I would find a point where it looked good and I stepped into the rows of items. I picked up a multitude of different things. I held them in my hands, feeling their shape and remembering the times and places they fit in history. Each item came with a memory...a good one. Although most of the items didn't match anything from real life, they had a place in that dream world. At one point Joe was there and the conversations were "look! remember this!" and so on.
I would soon awake and lay there with a small smile on my face. In that moment, everything was ok and there was no doubt that it wouldn't be. I remembered that even though the physical world changes, no one can take away our memories. I was reminded that loved ones are really not that far away and one day we really will be all together again. The surroundings may be different, yet the feelings will be genuine and real. In time, all things work out. Everything will be ok.
I rolled over knowing it was going to be a great day, and at that moment it was....then I read my email.