Answers
It has been mood swing after mood swing in regards to my emotions with myself lately. I do something and I am good and ready to go and then soon I am mad and frustrated. Let's see what I have to work with...
Good/happy thoughts:
I have been doing well with my do something each day homework. Granted, no big huge events, yet at least something each day. That is a start, right? I have done good taking my medication, have not missed a day. I have been getting to work before or right at 9, a record for me.
I have been doing well with getting/keeping my anxiety down so I can go to sleep quickly or if I wake up during the night I can get back to sleep. I have started to get out walking and even though there is a lot of anxiety associated with that, I am still doing it and pushing myself to finish set goals. I almost have all the dishes caught up and laundry folded. And, tomorrow I am getting a haircut which ALWAYS makes me smile. As well, I framed my guardian drawing to put by my bed so I can see it anytime.
Mad/Frustrated thoughts:
I have continued to do a lot of thinking about where I am, where I was, where I think I should be. Those do not line up real parallel. I have been going back and reading my recent blog posts which really gets me riled up. I get mad at myself because I can sit here and write, "stepping" (for lack of a better word) into that role of someone who has it all together and has the optimism and the confidence and the faith in themselves. It actually is very easy to do on paper. I can do it in my head too. So, if I can do it in my head or on paper, why can't I follow thorough? Why can't I *BE* that person? The guardian is a part of me and yet I am not the guardian.
Although I know all the thoughts, etc come from the same place, when I am in that role, it is almost as if it is another person. Those things are being said by the person behind or beside me. I guess you could name the two parts my spiritual and my temporal self. My spiritual self is so strong - that is the guardian - and I am guessing due to the "bigger than the here and now" knowledge of the universe and meaning of life, can see things much different. My temporal self is just trying to make it day by day, minute by minute. Now, the best case scenario is that the two work together as a team, working in tandem to do what needs to be done and enjoy life. Sure sounds good. I guess we can thank that brick wall I keep hitting and/or avoiding for that.
I can watch the guardian walk right through that wall, experiencing life from both sides of it. The guardian doesn't really know what the wall is either (or I am sure that would be shared) and that is fine because it doesn't impede them. I can see through the wall sometimes and see good things ahead and all, yet I am still stuck on one side.
So I get mad and frustrated with myself. Why can't I be the guardian full time? Why can't I figure out what that wall is! Then, I get really thinking so much about this, work myself up, get all anxious and upset, then find myself in a bad place. I know, time, patience, more patience, some miracles, some good luck, and keep breathing. Ah hell, who knows, maybe I really am just screwed up in the head and everyone is being nice and not telling me straight up that I am hopeless.
With that, it's time to call it a night. Maybe tomorrow, maybe tomorrow I will find more answers. I don't even know where to look or what questions to ask, yet maybe there will be some answers.
Good/happy thoughts:
I have been doing well with getting/keeping my anxiety down so I can go to sleep quickly or if I wake up during the night I can get back to sleep. I have started to get out walking and even though there is a lot of anxiety associated with that, I am still doing it and pushing myself to finish set goals. I almost have all the dishes caught up and laundry folded. And, tomorrow I am getting a haircut which ALWAYS makes me smile. As well, I framed my guardian drawing to put by my bed so I can see it anytime.
Mad/Frustrated thoughts:
I have continued to do a lot of thinking about where I am, where I was, where I think I should be. Those do not line up real parallel. I have been going back and reading my recent blog posts which really gets me riled up. I get mad at myself because I can sit here and write, "stepping" (for lack of a better word) into that role of someone who has it all together and has the optimism and the confidence and the faith in themselves. It actually is very easy to do on paper. I can do it in my head too. So, if I can do it in my head or on paper, why can't I follow thorough? Why can't I *BE* that person? The guardian is a part of me and yet I am not the guardian.
Although I know all the thoughts, etc come from the same place, when I am in that role, it is almost as if it is another person. Those things are being said by the person behind or beside me. I guess you could name the two parts my spiritual and my temporal self. My spiritual self is so strong - that is the guardian - and I am guessing due to the "bigger than the here and now" knowledge of the universe and meaning of life, can see things much different. My temporal self is just trying to make it day by day, minute by minute. Now, the best case scenario is that the two work together as a team, working in tandem to do what needs to be done and enjoy life. Sure sounds good. I guess we can thank that brick wall I keep hitting and/or avoiding for that.
I can watch the guardian walk right through that wall, experiencing life from both sides of it. The guardian doesn't really know what the wall is either (or I am sure that would be shared) and that is fine because it doesn't impede them. I can see through the wall sometimes and see good things ahead and all, yet I am still stuck on one side.
So I get mad and frustrated with myself. Why can't I be the guardian full time? Why can't I figure out what that wall is! Then, I get really thinking so much about this, work myself up, get all anxious and upset, then find myself in a bad place. I know, time, patience, more patience, some miracles, some good luck, and keep breathing. Ah hell, who knows, maybe I really am just screwed up in the head and everyone is being nice and not telling me straight up that I am hopeless.
With that, it's time to call it a night. Maybe tomorrow, maybe tomorrow I will find more answers. I don't even know where to look or what questions to ask, yet maybe there will be some answers.