Starting over
Here we go again, starting over. I have done it so many times that I am not even sure how to do it anymore. Granted, seems that I should try something different this time since all the other times I started over ended in...well, starting over again.
One could argue that each day we start over....a new beginning. Yah, not going for that one here. At least this time I am not jobless, penniless, and homeless. I guess that is the silver lining in this all. I am not alone either. I have the kids, I have the guardian, and I have Chris. I am not alone this time.
I don't even know where to start to start over. I guess it is picking up the pieces where I am right now and trying to move forward. Heck, I don't even know if I pick up the pieces, maybe I just leave things behind and try to take a step forward.
I have been so afraid these past few weeks and just terrified emotionally these past few days. Then I started to receive text messages from several of my roaming angels asking if I was ok. Messages simply like "you came to mind, are you ok" and "can't stop thinking of you, what's going on." You see, sometimes what I feel and what is reality really is the same and God steps in to bring help, or at least remind me that He is not going to let me struggle in silence. Just because I have not been able to find the words to vocalize what I have been feeling does not mean that my spirit can't speak for me. I do often forget that. I also know that when those messages start coming in that I need to stop and try to figure out where I am emotionally. As a general rule, when things get to that point, I am worse than I think. When I can start to evaluate things, I realize that I really am in trouble, or teetering on it very unbalanced.
Now, I didn't give any long winded "no, I am not alright" replies to the troops. There were some simple replies and in the end of each conversation, I assured them I would hang in there and keep fighting. Each gave me their love and reminded me that all I had to do was reach out to them. Still hard to ask for someone to just help me by talking or texting - still feel like I am being a bother and a whiner.
Now, just to touch base, I did my homework for today. I went for a walk outside in the sun over lunch with some co-workers. It was a short walk, just a bit over a quarter mile. I struggled with it, my endurance is shot, my legs weak. I have a lot of work to do before the end of April.
I tried to go and find the labyrinth at Crystal Lake Park and was unsuccessful. I haven't given up, will just have to keep trying. The thing is that I made the effort.
I was going to buy fish tonight, even know the ones I want. Thanks to my short term memory issues, I was past St. Joe before I remembered I was going to go to Wal-Mart. Got to love the memory fog. I turned on the oven yesterday to pre-heat and forgot. An hour and a half later when I was smelling burnt stuff from the bottom of the oven I suddenly remembered what I had done.
I made spaghetti for Tess and I tonight. It sounded good so I went for it....and set the timer on the stove so I wouldn't forget the water was boiling.
I went through the car wash last night on my way home from a computer repair. It was one of the automatic ones with all the huge brushes and stuff. I like those, it makes me feel like a little kid again. There used to be this automatic car wash when I was growing up that your car "drove" through it and you got to stay in the car. It was so neat. I am sure that safety laws were the cause of its closure.
I was able to get some housework done yesterday and tonight. I know, not really something on the fun list, yet it makes me feel better emotionally. I grew up in the clutter and craziness, I don't like living that way. I ok with unorganized, heck I am the best organized - unorganized person to know! I just need some sort of order to things, simple as it may be.
That is pretty much all I know. I still have that sense of fear within me. I still feel lost. I still look around and have no idea which way to move next or what direction to start in. I know I can't stay where I am, I just am not sure I am strong enough to move.
I was able to pick up my pencil and draw again today. I wasn't sure what would come out, especially since I torched the one place I generally go. My guardian (yes, the protective and nurturing parent - that strong Blewy with the original flaming sword - is now known as "the guardian") has me. Even though I feel lost and alone, I know I can close my eyes and put myself in a safe place.
I sometimes find myself doing whatever I can to just get through a moment (or moments). The things I choose to do/think/say to myself may not make much sense, yet I figure that if they are not hurting me or anyone else, then it is free game. The other night, when I had the dialog that ended with asking the guardian to stay with me until I fell asleep, I crawled up in bed and tucked my pillows around me, as if someone was there with me. I woke up several times that night in panic and when I did, I would just say, "I got you" over and over as I curled up and fell back to sleep. Real or not, it got me through the night.
A couple weeks back I went and hid with the littlest one. We had some bonding time in that week or so we were hiding out together. She still doesn't speak, yet can say volumes. I realized we really are not too much different, I'm just an older version. We have done well together. She smiles now. She still doesn't speak, which is ok. She will come out and about if she can stay right with me, hanging onto to me one way or the other to be assured that I am right there. That is ok, I am good with that as her closeness helps me too.
I have learned that no matter how old I am or where I am in my life's timeline, sometimes I am trying to heal the same wounds over and over. I often wonder if they will heal completely. Tomorrow is another new day. I see Chris in the morning. I've got some anxiety with that. I have had difficulty expressing my thoughts and feelings and I sometimes get to thinking that when I go through those moments, I am just wasting her time. I should know better by now, yet the thoughts still creep in.
With that, it is bedtime. Possibly the only good thing about Spring daylight savings time, the "hour ahead" means I get to go to bed an hour earlier. Yah, ok, so maybe that waivers on avoidance behavior...and I can own it.
Tomorrow....new day. Maybe Chris can help me figure out what to do next, how to start over once again.
One could argue that each day we start over....a new beginning. Yah, not going for that one here. At least this time I am not jobless, penniless, and homeless. I guess that is the silver lining in this all. I am not alone either. I have the kids, I have the guardian, and I have Chris. I am not alone this time.
I don't even know where to start to start over. I guess it is picking up the pieces where I am right now and trying to move forward. Heck, I don't even know if I pick up the pieces, maybe I just leave things behind and try to take a step forward.
I have been so afraid these past few weeks and just terrified emotionally these past few days. Then I started to receive text messages from several of my roaming angels asking if I was ok. Messages simply like "you came to mind, are you ok" and "can't stop thinking of you, what's going on." You see, sometimes what I feel and what is reality really is the same and God steps in to bring help, or at least remind me that He is not going to let me struggle in silence. Just because I have not been able to find the words to vocalize what I have been feeling does not mean that my spirit can't speak for me. I do often forget that. I also know that when those messages start coming in that I need to stop and try to figure out where I am emotionally. As a general rule, when things get to that point, I am worse than I think. When I can start to evaluate things, I realize that I really am in trouble, or teetering on it very unbalanced.
Now, I didn't give any long winded "no, I am not alright" replies to the troops. There were some simple replies and in the end of each conversation, I assured them I would hang in there and keep fighting. Each gave me their love and reminded me that all I had to do was reach out to them. Still hard to ask for someone to just help me by talking or texting - still feel like I am being a bother and a whiner.
Now, just to touch base, I did my homework for today. I went for a walk outside in the sun over lunch with some co-workers. It was a short walk, just a bit over a quarter mile. I struggled with it, my endurance is shot, my legs weak. I have a lot of work to do before the end of April.
I tried to go and find the labyrinth at Crystal Lake Park and was unsuccessful. I haven't given up, will just have to keep trying. The thing is that I made the effort.
I was going to buy fish tonight, even know the ones I want. Thanks to my short term memory issues, I was past St. Joe before I remembered I was going to go to Wal-Mart. Got to love the memory fog. I turned on the oven yesterday to pre-heat and forgot. An hour and a half later when I was smelling burnt stuff from the bottom of the oven I suddenly remembered what I had done.
I made spaghetti for Tess and I tonight. It sounded good so I went for it....and set the timer on the stove so I wouldn't forget the water was boiling.
I was able to get some housework done yesterday and tonight. I know, not really something on the fun list, yet it makes me feel better emotionally. I grew up in the clutter and craziness, I don't like living that way. I ok with unorganized, heck I am the best organized - unorganized person to know! I just need some sort of order to things, simple as it may be.
That is pretty much all I know. I still have that sense of fear within me. I still feel lost. I still look around and have no idea which way to move next or what direction to start in. I know I can't stay where I am, I just am not sure I am strong enough to move.
I sometimes find myself doing whatever I can to just get through a moment (or moments). The things I choose to do/think/say to myself may not make much sense, yet I figure that if they are not hurting me or anyone else, then it is free game. The other night, when I had the dialog that ended with asking the guardian to stay with me until I fell asleep, I crawled up in bed and tucked my pillows around me, as if someone was there with me. I woke up several times that night in panic and when I did, I would just say, "I got you" over and over as I curled up and fell back to sleep. Real or not, it got me through the night.
A couple weeks back I went and hid with the littlest one. We had some bonding time in that week or so we were hiding out together. She still doesn't speak, yet can say volumes. I realized we really are not too much different, I'm just an older version. We have done well together. She smiles now. She still doesn't speak, which is ok. She will come out and about if she can stay right with me, hanging onto to me one way or the other to be assured that I am right there. That is ok, I am good with that as her closeness helps me too.
I have learned that no matter how old I am or where I am in my life's timeline, sometimes I am trying to heal the same wounds over and over. I often wonder if they will heal completely. Tomorrow is another new day. I see Chris in the morning. I've got some anxiety with that. I have had difficulty expressing my thoughts and feelings and I sometimes get to thinking that when I go through those moments, I am just wasting her time. I should know better by now, yet the thoughts still creep in.
With that, it is bedtime. Possibly the only good thing about Spring daylight savings time, the "hour ahead" means I get to go to bed an hour earlier. Yah, ok, so maybe that waivers on avoidance behavior...and I can own it.
Tomorrow....new day. Maybe Chris can help me figure out what to do next, how to start over once again.