I am a child of God and He loves me
There has been so much going through my mind since Friday. I have wanted to sit and write more than once, yet when I did have time, I was exhausted. I am excited for session tomorrow because I feel like I have lots to share. Of course there is some apprehension there too because I am afraid I will get in there and not remember or craziness like that. Then there are all the questions in my head. Yah, going to assume it's all going to go blank at 9:15.
So Saturday I went to Time Out for Women over in Indy. I was hesitant to go, yet kind of got peer pressured into it. What I was expecting and what it was were so far apart. It was truly amazing and uplifting. It actually was Fri and Sat yet my friend and I just went on Saturday.
Wow, there were a lot of people - this photo is from my seat looking toward the back, it doesn't include about that many who were seated in front of me. My one friend was a helper so she had 2 reserved seats toward the front. I sat with her so I was not as aware of the many, many people that were there. As the speakers started, I found such a sadness coming over me. I recognized it as "these amazing things would be so awesome, yet I am not deserving of them." Think of a huge glass wall. You are on one side, looking through it at all this wonderful stuff - worth, beauty, power, strength, wisdom, valiance, etc. There it all is and there are all the people being able to partake of it. Then, there is you, able to see it, able to feel the goodness that would come with it, yet not able to touch it.
I realized what was happening in my mind and I got to thinking about what Chris might tell or ask me. I took a deep breath, and said to myself that it was ok if I was not at the "Whoo Hoo! This is all for me too!!!!" place with it, yet, could I - instead of being at "not for me," just sit, listen, and enjoy. So that is what I did for the whole day, I sat and listened. I laughed and enjoyed. I still struggled with "this can be for me too" yet I did not let it dominate me. I decided no judging, just listen, and enjoy.
I could have taken notes like many others, yet I didn't. I did, however, order the DVD so I could watch it again as well as share with others. I can't say I had ever experienced something quite like it before. Once in a while I would chuckle to myself, amazed how Heavenly Father works His magic. It was if what I was hearing was a continuation of the conversation Chris and I had in session and the one Shauna and I had Friday night.
I sent Shauna a text Friday evening asking a simple question, "when a person is excommunicated, do you think God really 'blots their names out' and forgets about them"? It led to texting and a phone call that helped me start to heal some more wounds. I have rarely spoke of my feelings in regards to being excommunicated. It was a hard thing to go through, even though I knew I needed to find myself. I always had such a love for God and felt He had the same for me. I had done my best to always serve Him well and without wanting anything in return.
Being ex'd equated to me as the one person I needed the most, telling me they didn't want me anymore. Let's face it, how much lower does it get when God doesn't even want you? And, even though I returned, and have picked up serving where I left off (well, it's not like I quit during my time away), for the past 15 years, I have struggled with my relationship with God. Sure, I was "welcomed back into the fold" yet I continually felt like I was wearing the big scarlet letter When others would be receiving blessings of wonderful and great things - let's compare it to food - they would be getting endless buffets of steak and shrimp, and I would get bologna and cheese. I was "one of them" and always would be. It was ok because I knew I "had done bad" and I could live with it. As well, I am pretty fond of bologna and cheese.
Shauna is kind of my spiritual adviser in a way. When we were teenagers (and as I think of it, many times as adults) I would call her up and ask her to pray for me because I figured that God would listen to her before He would listen to me. Some times we would pray together, each saying our personal prayers yet in the physical vicinity of each other. I figured God would listen to me because she was there too. I can hear Chris now, "myths??" and the answer would be yes, and it was how it was. As well, I have never doubted anything Shauna shares with me in regards to spiritual things. Seriously, she could tell me God was a purple alien that eats small cats and I would believe her. Well, you get my point.
When her text reply came back starting with, "100%, no," and then started to share her heart with me about parenting and love for kids - healthy parenting - and God's love for us, I started to feel some healing in my heart. For the first time I allowed myself to say, "maybe I am not just tolerated, maybe I really am loved." We would have quite a conversation touching on several things including how I was doing. She told me to remember I am safe with her, and I could allow myself to safely feel any of those things I felt I didn't deserve. She would never judge me. She said to have a couple people in my circle who I can be safe with and not be afraid to feel anything I want and ask questions and share my thoughts and emotions. I am lucky to have that. I just need to take advantage of it better.
Before going to bed, I pulled up the video Chris and I had watched in session. I had promised to watch it at least 3 times a day until my session Tuesday. As it started, I felt my anxiety start to rise and I stopped it, sat there for a moment, and hit play again. "It's ok, just listen" is what I told myself - don't judge, just listen. So, with the guardian holding on to me, I listened - twice.
Saturday night, exhausted from the long day, I crawled into bed and turned the video on again As it played I thought, "that would be nice" and left it there. I didn't add "but it's not available to me," I just acknowledged the good that it was.
Sunday afternoon it was bill paying time. Before I set into the task of watching my money disappear, I loaded up the video again. I sat back and watched and listened....I really focused on listening. I kept the browser tab open and hit replay. I spent the next half hour or so paying bills, and, in the background, listening to the video over and over. I have no idea how many times I hit replay. Somehow I thought that maybe my subconscious would start to become comfortable a little bit with it all if I kept playing it.
There was a lot of positive things said between Friday morning and Sunday afternoon. I am not sure I have ever experienced so much in such a small time frame. I don't want to say it was overwhelming because it really wasn't, it was just a lot of information to process. As I taught the primary children, and we all declared together and individually, "I am a child of God and He loves me!" for a brief moment, the thought crossed my mind - this could be for me too.
So Saturday I went to Time Out for Women over in Indy. I was hesitant to go, yet kind of got peer pressured into it. What I was expecting and what it was were so far apart. It was truly amazing and uplifting. It actually was Fri and Sat yet my friend and I just went on Saturday.
I could have taken notes like many others, yet I didn't. I did, however, order the DVD so I could watch it again as well as share with others. I can't say I had ever experienced something quite like it before. Once in a while I would chuckle to myself, amazed how Heavenly Father works His magic. It was if what I was hearing was a continuation of the conversation Chris and I had in session and the one Shauna and I had Friday night.
I sent Shauna a text Friday evening asking a simple question, "when a person is excommunicated, do you think God really 'blots their names out' and forgets about them"? It led to texting and a phone call that helped me start to heal some more wounds. I have rarely spoke of my feelings in regards to being excommunicated. It was a hard thing to go through, even though I knew I needed to find myself. I always had such a love for God and felt He had the same for me. I had done my best to always serve Him well and without wanting anything in return.
Being ex'd equated to me as the one person I needed the most, telling me they didn't want me anymore. Let's face it, how much lower does it get when God doesn't even want you? And, even though I returned, and have picked up serving where I left off (well, it's not like I quit during my time away), for the past 15 years, I have struggled with my relationship with God. Sure, I was "welcomed back into the fold" yet I continually felt like I was wearing the big scarlet letter When others would be receiving blessings of wonderful and great things - let's compare it to food - they would be getting endless buffets of steak and shrimp, and I would get bologna and cheese. I was "one of them" and always would be. It was ok because I knew I "had done bad" and I could live with it. As well, I am pretty fond of bologna and cheese.
Shauna is kind of my spiritual adviser in a way. When we were teenagers (and as I think of it, many times as adults) I would call her up and ask her to pray for me because I figured that God would listen to her before He would listen to me. Some times we would pray together, each saying our personal prayers yet in the physical vicinity of each other. I figured God would listen to me because she was there too. I can hear Chris now, "myths??" and the answer would be yes, and it was how it was. As well, I have never doubted anything Shauna shares with me in regards to spiritual things. Seriously, she could tell me God was a purple alien that eats small cats and I would believe her. Well, you get my point.
When her text reply came back starting with, "100%, no," and then started to share her heart with me about parenting and love for kids - healthy parenting - and God's love for us, I started to feel some healing in my heart. For the first time I allowed myself to say, "maybe I am not just tolerated, maybe I really am loved." We would have quite a conversation touching on several things including how I was doing. She told me to remember I am safe with her, and I could allow myself to safely feel any of those things I felt I didn't deserve. She would never judge me. She said to have a couple people in my circle who I can be safe with and not be afraid to feel anything I want and ask questions and share my thoughts and emotions. I am lucky to have that. I just need to take advantage of it better.
Before going to bed, I pulled up the video Chris and I had watched in session. I had promised to watch it at least 3 times a day until my session Tuesday. As it started, I felt my anxiety start to rise and I stopped it, sat there for a moment, and hit play again. "It's ok, just listen" is what I told myself - don't judge, just listen. So, with the guardian holding on to me, I listened - twice.
Sunday afternoon it was bill paying time. Before I set into the task of watching my money disappear, I loaded up the video again. I sat back and watched and listened....I really focused on listening. I kept the browser tab open and hit replay. I spent the next half hour or so paying bills, and, in the background, listening to the video over and over. I have no idea how many times I hit replay. Somehow I thought that maybe my subconscious would start to become comfortable a little bit with it all if I kept playing it.
There was a lot of positive things said between Friday morning and Sunday afternoon. I am not sure I have ever experienced so much in such a small time frame. I don't want to say it was overwhelming because it really wasn't, it was just a lot of information to process. As I taught the primary children, and we all declared together and individually, "I am a child of God and He loves me!" for a brief moment, the thought crossed my mind - this could be for me too.