In a mood
I've been watching you today. You have done well, even though I know you are going to fight me on that.
The day isn't over yet. And where does "well" fall on the scale? I am not overly happy with how the day has gone. I did not get the things done I wanted to and I struggled with thoughts and emotions that I hoped were going to be gone for a while.
You want to talk about it?
No.
Really?
Yes.
I know you better than that, you have wanted to talk to someone about it all day long. Why don't you quit being willful and just talk to me? And don't tell me "because talking about it won't fix it" or something like that.
I did really good yesterday, you know. Granted, I did not get a whole lot done, yet I was ok with that. It was a little off having Tobi here as it felt like someone had messed with my routine. He is a good dog though and did great. He can come back anytime. It was good for Tess too to have someone to interact with. I got a few things done and even emotionally, it was a good day.
Got up today to make sure I took my meds and let the dogs out. Seeing all the snow piled up threw me a bit. I suddenly felt trapped. You know, not going out and about because I choose not to is one thing, to realize that there is something impeding you, is another. I felt panic coming on and just told myself that we would deal with it later. Since church had been cancelled, we all went back to bed.
Every time I woke up I felt that panic. I don't know how many times I told myself to just get dressed and go out and start shoveling, and I just couldn't get to that point. At the same time, I turned down an offer for help digging out the drive. I didn't want to be a bother and they would have had to drive out here from the north end of town and who knows what the roads were like. Besides, I have been doing good on shoveling out the drive the past few times on my own.
So how did shoveling go this time?
Not as well. It just looked so overwhelming. This wasn't even "eating the elephant one bite at a time" manageable. I just started scooping. I was finding nothing enjoyable about it this round and just wanted to go back inside and hide. I got enough dug out that I could try to move the car. That became it's own issue as I would get it a little ways, then have to shovel more, then move it a bit more, etc. Flipping tires on that car sure are not made for snow and ice. Finally got the car out of the drive and onto the street, then couldn't get it back into the drive.
I was getting really upset with myself and could feel the anger and frustration building. I tried to make it fun and tell myself it was something that I could accomplish and be proud of. Reality was, my feet were wet and cold, and the snow was slippery and I kept about falling, and I was not having a bit of fun. When I finally got the car back into its parking spot and tried to move it again, it spun the wheels until it got stuck. I turned it off, slammed the door, said some colorful language, and went inside. If the boys have school tomorrow, I will have Joe help me. If they don't I will have to figure something out so I can get to work.
You still sound pretty angry and frustrated. What's going through your mind right now.
I am still angry and frustrated and I really do not have a reason to be. I remember when I was a younger and I would have these times when it just felt like the whole world was against me. I would feel so sad and it was like no matter what I did, it was wrong or didn't work out right, or was just a negative ending. This is when my mom usually announced, "Chris is in one of her moods again" and I would get sent to my room until I got over it.
I just have that "the world is against me" feeling today. I will get over it, I always do. I find myself fighting the "don't want to be a bother" extra hard in these times. There are actually a lot of negative thoughts that accompany all of this. The best thing I can do when I am like this is avoid people.
While you are letting your emotional mind run the show, answer me this...why are you so scared today?
The emotions and feelings are different. There is so much unfamiliar that I am thrown off. I am having a hard time today making sense of it all. I feel really confused and lost. I keep sleeping because I don't have to face it all, even though I know that is not the best choice to make. I looked over at a knife earlier and wondered if it would still feel familiar. With everything feeling so different, would hurting myself be something I could feel and still relate to. Don't worry, I didn't do anything, even though it has been so tempting all afternoon.
Again, I just feel so confused right now, like I can't get things in order. I feel overwhelmed and I can't even tell you why or by what. I feel trapped and constrained. I know it will all work out and that what I feel and what is reality is two different things. I have started to wonder if what I feel and what is reality ever will be same thing. I am just in a rough place right now and having a tough time climbing out of it. I can't seem to get my grip to pull myself up. Seems I have the same problem my car does - I'm stuck.
What are you going to do about it?
I don't feel like I have the emotional strength to do anything about it tonight. Just do what Chris always suggests - what can I do to not make it worse. I will finish up my transcribing lesson and then go to bed for the night. Will try again tomorrow.
The day isn't over yet. And where does "well" fall on the scale? I am not overly happy with how the day has gone. I did not get the things done I wanted to and I struggled with thoughts and emotions that I hoped were going to be gone for a while.
You want to talk about it?
No.
Really?
Yes.
I know you better than that, you have wanted to talk to someone about it all day long. Why don't you quit being willful and just talk to me? And don't tell me "because talking about it won't fix it" or something like that.
I did really good yesterday, you know. Granted, I did not get a whole lot done, yet I was ok with that. It was a little off having Tobi here as it felt like someone had messed with my routine. He is a good dog though and did great. He can come back anytime. It was good for Tess too to have someone to interact with. I got a few things done and even emotionally, it was a good day.
Got up today to make sure I took my meds and let the dogs out. Seeing all the snow piled up threw me a bit. I suddenly felt trapped. You know, not going out and about because I choose not to is one thing, to realize that there is something impeding you, is another. I felt panic coming on and just told myself that we would deal with it later. Since church had been cancelled, we all went back to bed.
Every time I woke up I felt that panic. I don't know how many times I told myself to just get dressed and go out and start shoveling, and I just couldn't get to that point. At the same time, I turned down an offer for help digging out the drive. I didn't want to be a bother and they would have had to drive out here from the north end of town and who knows what the roads were like. Besides, I have been doing good on shoveling out the drive the past few times on my own.
So how did shoveling go this time?
Not as well. It just looked so overwhelming. This wasn't even "eating the elephant one bite at a time" manageable. I just started scooping. I was finding nothing enjoyable about it this round and just wanted to go back inside and hide. I got enough dug out that I could try to move the car. That became it's own issue as I would get it a little ways, then have to shovel more, then move it a bit more, etc. Flipping tires on that car sure are not made for snow and ice. Finally got the car out of the drive and onto the street, then couldn't get it back into the drive.
I was getting really upset with myself and could feel the anger and frustration building. I tried to make it fun and tell myself it was something that I could accomplish and be proud of. Reality was, my feet were wet and cold, and the snow was slippery and I kept about falling, and I was not having a bit of fun. When I finally got the car back into its parking spot and tried to move it again, it spun the wheels until it got stuck. I turned it off, slammed the door, said some colorful language, and went inside. If the boys have school tomorrow, I will have Joe help me. If they don't I will have to figure something out so I can get to work.
You still sound pretty angry and frustrated. What's going through your mind right now.
I am still angry and frustrated and I really do not have a reason to be. I remember when I was a younger and I would have these times when it just felt like the whole world was against me. I would feel so sad and it was like no matter what I did, it was wrong or didn't work out right, or was just a negative ending. This is when my mom usually announced, "Chris is in one of her moods again" and I would get sent to my room until I got over it.
I just have that "the world is against me" feeling today. I will get over it, I always do. I find myself fighting the "don't want to be a bother" extra hard in these times. There are actually a lot of negative thoughts that accompany all of this. The best thing I can do when I am like this is avoid people.
While you are letting your emotional mind run the show, answer me this...why are you so scared today?
The emotions and feelings are different. There is so much unfamiliar that I am thrown off. I am having a hard time today making sense of it all. I feel really confused and lost. I keep sleeping because I don't have to face it all, even though I know that is not the best choice to make. I looked over at a knife earlier and wondered if it would still feel familiar. With everything feeling so different, would hurting myself be something I could feel and still relate to. Don't worry, I didn't do anything, even though it has been so tempting all afternoon.
Again, I just feel so confused right now, like I can't get things in order. I feel overwhelmed and I can't even tell you why or by what. I feel trapped and constrained. I know it will all work out and that what I feel and what is reality is two different things. I have started to wonder if what I feel and what is reality ever will be same thing. I am just in a rough place right now and having a tough time climbing out of it. I can't seem to get my grip to pull myself up. Seems I have the same problem my car does - I'm stuck.
What are you going to do about it?
I don't feel like I have the emotional strength to do anything about it tonight. Just do what Chris always suggests - what can I do to not make it worse. I will finish up my transcribing lesson and then go to bed for the night. Will try again tomorrow.