Never alone
Hey Blewy...
You came back!
I never went anywhere.
Yes you did. I couldn't find you. I was scared and I didn't know where to look for you. I figured you had left, that you didn't want to be bothered.
I am not leaving you. I understand that so many people that you looked to for comfort have left you or discredited you and I am sorry for that. I can only guess how scary that was for you and still is. I am never far away. Why didn't you call for me?
You don't do that. You only yell out for someone if you are dying. If it isn't falling off or if you are not bleeding to death, you don't yell out for someone.
What do you do then?
You deal with it. If it isn't going to kill you, you just deal with it.
But what if you are afraid or scared?
Doesn't matter, you are told to grow up, stop being a sissy, or get over it.
And how does that make you feel?
I don't like it, yet it is the way it has almost always been. I don't know how to handle that feeling scared like I am alone and lost. It is like I can't really function. I get so scared I am almost frozen. I want to call out for someone to help me, and I know I should be able to do that, yet then I think that means I am being selfish. I get all confused and frustrated on top of being afraid and don't know what to do or where to go.
Is that what was happening today?
The more I think about it, I think it was. I still don't know why I was afraid except that I thought you had left. There wasn't anyone in my mind to tell me I was going to be ok. I feel like I got all these changes going on in my life and I can't figure them out, or find the words to explain them. I feel like there is no one who would understand even if I did have the words. I get scared that I am alone in this and that doesn't feel real safe.
Didn't you see Chris today?
Yes, and she helped me settle down. I get really upset with myself when I go to session and I can't express what is going on with me or what is going through my mind. She is one of the best resources I have and one of the few trustworthy people in my life and I get in there and I can't express what I need. It makes me really mad at myself.
What are you feeling right now?
I'm really tired, physically and emotionally. I feel drained. I am not as afraid as I have been all day, and yet I am still a little unsettled. If I had access to them I would load up on something to help me pass out and escape. You know when you pour sand in your hand and it falls through your fingers? I kind of feel like that, like things are slipping through my grip, that I am on shaky ground, that I not sure of things, that things have more power than I do. I wish the world could stop for just a moment and let me catch up.
I wish I could make the world stop for a moment, I think I would enjoy that too, yet I don't have that kind of power. I want you to know that you are not alone. I will continue to say that and say that because I know it will take a lot of repetition before you buy into it. I am sorry that people you trusted and confided in turned their backs on you, went away, or invalidated your needs. That really sucks and it was not fair to you. I also understand that you found your own ways to deal with it all which kept you safe, although maybe not so healthy. I have not been evolving for the past 6 months to just walk away from you. Just as the kids are an important part of us, you - my young adult - are just as important. There is no reason why you can't heal as well. Your existence is not a horrible thing. You were not a mistake. You do have a purpose. You are needed. There are people out there who rejoice that they know you and have you in their lives....so many more than you will ever know. I am sorry that things have happened in your life that you find it hard to understand, believe, and/or trust in these things.
I promise you, I am not going anywhere. I may have limitations, yet I am here for the long haul. I will do my very best to never intentionally hurt you, yet remember that I am not perfect either and am on a healing journey too. I gave you your own sword so you can remember your strength, so you can start to believe in the self you are as you believe in the self I am. I will always protect you, yet know you have just as much power to do the same. Don't be afraid to live. I know the very thought of living life fully scares the hell out of you. I get it, trust me. I look back at all the many times we did that and it was disastrous. Along the way though, you quit trying it out. You decided it was easier to not try than take the chance on getting hurt. If you don't try, you will never know if you can succeed. You can't let your fear control your decisions.
You have to start letting that pain and hurt of your past go. I know that is asking a lot and I don't even know where or how to tell you to start, yet it is like a brick wall that you keep running into. The problem is, instead of just busting through it - which you are fully capable of doing - you keep letting it knock you backwards.
I hope you go and race in the morning. I know that you are wanting to finish something, feel like you have completed or achieved something. I fully understand that desire. You are not going to find that accomplished feeling until you can step forward and do something. You are not going to reach it by hiding. I will be right there with you all the way. I always will be from now on. If you fall, we fall together. I will always get up and offer you a hand - I hope you will always accept it.
You have so much greatness in you and it really upsets me that things have happened in our life that has blinded you to that. Although it is wonderful that you can say it, I know how much you struggle with fully buying into it and acting upon it. Will you try to believe it? Will you try for me? Will you try for Chris?
It is late and tomorrow is a busy day. As with every night, I will be right there. I know you have been waking up quite a bit lately through the night scared and afraid and I have been right there each time. I will continue to do so. Trust me, ok? How is that for a first step? Just try to trust in me.
You came back!
I never went anywhere.
Yes you did. I couldn't find you. I was scared and I didn't know where to look for you. I figured you had left, that you didn't want to be bothered.
I am not leaving you. I understand that so many people that you looked to for comfort have left you or discredited you and I am sorry for that. I can only guess how scary that was for you and still is. I am never far away. Why didn't you call for me?
You don't do that. You only yell out for someone if you are dying. If it isn't falling off or if you are not bleeding to death, you don't yell out for someone.
What do you do then?
You deal with it. If it isn't going to kill you, you just deal with it.
But what if you are afraid or scared?
Doesn't matter, you are told to grow up, stop being a sissy, or get over it.
And how does that make you feel?
I don't like it, yet it is the way it has almost always been. I don't know how to handle that feeling scared like I am alone and lost. It is like I can't really function. I get so scared I am almost frozen. I want to call out for someone to help me, and I know I should be able to do that, yet then I think that means I am being selfish. I get all confused and frustrated on top of being afraid and don't know what to do or where to go.
Is that what was happening today?
The more I think about it, I think it was. I still don't know why I was afraid except that I thought you had left. There wasn't anyone in my mind to tell me I was going to be ok. I feel like I got all these changes going on in my life and I can't figure them out, or find the words to explain them. I feel like there is no one who would understand even if I did have the words. I get scared that I am alone in this and that doesn't feel real safe.
Didn't you see Chris today?
Yes, and she helped me settle down. I get really upset with myself when I go to session and I can't express what is going on with me or what is going through my mind. She is one of the best resources I have and one of the few trustworthy people in my life and I get in there and I can't express what I need. It makes me really mad at myself.
What are you feeling right now?
I'm really tired, physically and emotionally. I feel drained. I am not as afraid as I have been all day, and yet I am still a little unsettled. If I had access to them I would load up on something to help me pass out and escape. You know when you pour sand in your hand and it falls through your fingers? I kind of feel like that, like things are slipping through my grip, that I am on shaky ground, that I not sure of things, that things have more power than I do. I wish the world could stop for just a moment and let me catch up.
I wish I could make the world stop for a moment, I think I would enjoy that too, yet I don't have that kind of power. I want you to know that you are not alone. I will continue to say that and say that because I know it will take a lot of repetition before you buy into it. I am sorry that people you trusted and confided in turned their backs on you, went away, or invalidated your needs. That really sucks and it was not fair to you. I also understand that you found your own ways to deal with it all which kept you safe, although maybe not so healthy. I have not been evolving for the past 6 months to just walk away from you. Just as the kids are an important part of us, you - my young adult - are just as important. There is no reason why you can't heal as well. Your existence is not a horrible thing. You were not a mistake. You do have a purpose. You are needed. There are people out there who rejoice that they know you and have you in their lives....so many more than you will ever know. I am sorry that things have happened in your life that you find it hard to understand, believe, and/or trust in these things.
I promise you, I am not going anywhere. I may have limitations, yet I am here for the long haul. I will do my very best to never intentionally hurt you, yet remember that I am not perfect either and am on a healing journey too. I gave you your own sword so you can remember your strength, so you can start to believe in the self you are as you believe in the self I am. I will always protect you, yet know you have just as much power to do the same. Don't be afraid to live. I know the very thought of living life fully scares the hell out of you. I get it, trust me. I look back at all the many times we did that and it was disastrous. Along the way though, you quit trying it out. You decided it was easier to not try than take the chance on getting hurt. If you don't try, you will never know if you can succeed. You can't let your fear control your decisions.
You have to start letting that pain and hurt of your past go. I know that is asking a lot and I don't even know where or how to tell you to start, yet it is like a brick wall that you keep running into. The problem is, instead of just busting through it - which you are fully capable of doing - you keep letting it knock you backwards.
I hope you go and race in the morning. I know that you are wanting to finish something, feel like you have completed or achieved something. I fully understand that desire. You are not going to find that accomplished feeling until you can step forward and do something. You are not going to reach it by hiding. I will be right there with you all the way. I always will be from now on. If you fall, we fall together. I will always get up and offer you a hand - I hope you will always accept it.
You have so much greatness in you and it really upsets me that things have happened in our life that has blinded you to that. Although it is wonderful that you can say it, I know how much you struggle with fully buying into it and acting upon it. Will you try to believe it? Will you try for me? Will you try for Chris?
It is late and tomorrow is a busy day. As with every night, I will be right there. I know you have been waking up quite a bit lately through the night scared and afraid and I have been right there each time. I will continue to do so. Trust me, ok? How is that for a first step? Just try to trust in me.