Got me again

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Check out this cool place....not the people, I don't know who they are (or what they are doing), yet this place is a huge sandbox. Is that really cool or what? It is over in Covington and called "The Sand Box" (yah, I know, original, eh?). I heard about this place about a year ago and have drooled to go over and play. Today I was going to have the chance. Jude, one my primary kids had his birthday there today and asked me to come. I have spent all week totally stoked about going to this place. Even this morning, I was answering texts about going and how excited I was. Then I started to get ready to go......

So, hey, going to the Sand Box will just have to stay on my to-do list for a while longer. As I started to get ready, I had that shut you down anxiety of "you can't go outside, outside is bad." Yes, I know that the thing to do in this case is to push through it and go outside. Most times I can do that and then there are those times when, with each step toward doing that, I start to make myself physically sick. That happened today. Something in me was begging for a "please, stop, don't do this." I gave in, sat back down half dressed, and felt defeated. I sent a text to my friend that I was not going to make it, then went to bed for a few hours in hopes of sleeping it off.

Shauna had texted me while I was getting ready to check in with me, I shared with her that the anxiety was winning today. A couple hours later she would call with the first question out of her mouth, "are you safe?"  It would seem she texted me to ask if I was ok and safe and I didn't answer. I didn't know she texted, I must have already been asleep. I assured her that I was ok and safe, even though the nap only took the edge off of it all. She told me I need to come see her for a couple days. Said if I got a good deal on a flight, she would help me with it. She has made that offer before, yet this time I think I am going to seriously consider it.

I got up, finished getting dressed and went to the store. I needed to go and I needed to push through the anxiety and just do it. I took Tess for a ride as well. Made it, yet I couldn't get home quick enough. I guess the plus is that I only bought what I most desperately needed, no extra shopping. In, buy, and out so I could get home before I stopped breathing or something. I have just wanted to go back to bed and sleep away the rest of the day, yet I have not given into it yet. The missionaries called to see if I wanted to go out with them and I told them I couldn't, that I was sick and not feeling well. Yah, I totally just lied to the missionaries. You know it is rough when I decline going out with them.

In the meantime, I am just taking it one moment at a time. After we got home from the store and I got things put up, I went out and sat on my porch stairs. I just sat there and tried to be calm while my mind was going, "what are you doing!!! we're going to die out here!!!!" I kept saying to myself outloud, "you are ok, just sit here until this calms a bit, you are in charge, you can do this." I think I made it for about 5 minutes before allowing myself to come back in. I am still skittish, and feel shaky inside, like when you put a 9-volt battery on your tongue....yah, that feeling only all over inside. I guess I am fulfilling that lovely hyper-vigilance thing. Grrrr......

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