What next.

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Hey Blewy, what you got there?

A list of all the things I need to try and change about myself, or try to look at different, or try to relearn. 

Looks long.

Yah, it really is and I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed, like there are so many things that I am starting to feel defeated before I even start.

Is that why you have spent more time in bed the past 4 days than you have out of bed and when you were out of bed you were hiding and avoiding at any chance you could take?

Wow, did you miss anything there?  

No, I don't think so. Why haven't you talked to me all weekend? 

Been scared. Depression has been on overload since the incident and it just seems to be becoming a heavier weight on my shoulders each day.

Are you going to talk to anyone about it?  

Probably not. I could send an email, yet I am pretty apprehensive about doing that anymore.  Not up to feeling stupid again.  Will just do my best to ride it out as long as I can.  I go back in May, maybe can figure something out then, yet I doubt it.  

Why do you say that?

Because when I was there last time, I shared that I was starting to struggle with the depression, that I felt I was either staying on the low side longer than normal or I wasn't getting back up to "normal" in between times. My concerns were treated very lightly and then the subject was changed.  Seeing that I am not going to tell a professional how to do their job, I just decided to drop it.  What's the worse that can happen?

Um, looked at your left arm lately?  

Yah, another one of my finest moments.  

Ouch, judgmental?  

Yah. I'm just frustrated with myself.  It is like all the answers are right there in front of me and not only can I not figure them out, I can't get to them.  I don't know what to do next and I feel like each time I try to make a next step, it is not the right one. I lay in bed with thoughts of "let's try this, let's try that" and all these options and choices until I get myself overwhelmed and angry.  Meanwhile everyone is being so supportive and compassionate - which is WONDERFUL, do not get me wrong, yet it also makes me feel guilty and bad at times. I feel like all these people have faith in me and "know I can do it" which I interpret as "this has to be easier than I am making it."  That just fuels the voice of "you always make things harder than they really are" in my head and then that row of dominoes starts rolling. 

Being a little hard on yourself, maybe? 

Habit. I am not sure which is worse, struggling with a lot of little things or struggling with a few big things.  Both seem to take a lot of energy.  When I have focus on others, I do much better.  When I try to shift that focus to myself, things don't go so smoothly. 

Can you give me an example?  

Sure, tomorrow I will stand in front of the mirror putting color in my hair and I will have no issue with the person looking back at me cause the focus is for someone else.  Tonight, though, I will walk by the mirror, catch my reflection and probably grunt in disgust at the person I see because I am disappointed in myself.  

What are you disappointed about?  

I feel like parts of my life are falling apart and I can't get control of them. Like when you can't get your footing because you are on sand or something. I am giving it all I have, and I feel like I am going backwards. I am having a hard time seeing forward movement. 

As well, you looked around here lately?  Granted, not as bad as it has gotten in the past, yet still not good. I try to start in to clean and all and I quickly get overwhelmed emotionally and then I just shut down.  Each time I shut down, things just stack up and compound and the only person who can change it is me. I won't ask for help because I am totally embarrassed by the clutter and all and don't want people to know this is how I am living.  

I'm disappointed that I give into things, give up, so quickly, that the behavior has that kind of power.  

You don't seem to be shutting down right now.  

Oh, you have no idea how hard it is to sit here and write. I'm almost sick to my stomach because I want to run, hide, and escape rather than talk about it.  

And how are things going with the eating issues?  

Are you trying to push me over the edge?  

Ok, let's forget I asked about that.  So, what happens now?  

I don't know. I don't know what step to take next, nor do I know what step I should take next, or want to take next, or would like to try and take next. What I do know is, whatever that step is, I have to do it alone, and I don't want to do it alone.

But you are not alone.  

No, I am not "alone" in the sense that there are plenty of people along the journey with me, yet I am the one who has to wake up in the morning, I am the one who has to get up, I am the one who has to step out the door, and I am the one who has to do whatever step I choose as the next one.  There is not someone there to literally hold my hand and walk any of that with me.  I have to do it....all by myself.  To be a little kid again, going for a walk, holding someone's hand so you knew you were safe. That would be such a nice feeling. 

Sunday, we had our 3 year old boy fall out of his chair and was crying and just wanted his dad. So, I went to him, with Brooke in my asleep on my shoulder already, and offered him my hand and asked if I could help him find his dad. With tear filled eyes he reached up and took my hand knowing I was going to take him to safety.  How's that even work when you are an adult? 

So, one last question.  Why didn't you email your thoughts to Chris like you wanted to and wrote them here instead?  

I tried hard to not bother her all weekend and didn't want to start now. Yah, I know, she says it isn't bothering her, yet I have a hard time seeing it that way a lot of times, especially when the depression is in high gear. I don't want to be a bother to anyone and with that I am headed to bed for the night. I think I have done enough damage for today.  

You know I love you, right?  

I know you are sometimes delusional too.  

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