POTD and Thoughts - Feb 2

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Bonnie and Clyde. The most diabolical, viscous, and elusive Canadian Geese in the Savoy area. Is there much I can really say about them? Just saying "Bonnie and Clyde are here" brings up all kinds of memories and laughing. Besides, they are Canadian Geese, so they are not getting too much of my time :)

What a crazy time my life has been lately. I would say that I am handling it well. Not really sure what is up with that, maybe it is all finally sinking in. Makes me feel kind of good and yet there are only a small group of people I can share it with who understand the battle enough to know it is a good thing.

One thing I have thought a lot about through all of this is, well, I guess it would be emotional regulation. There are a few thoughts that I still struggle with and even though I know "that is not how it is supposed to be" sometimes I find myself discouraged. Let's see if I can get some of those thoughts out on paper so they will get out of my head for a bit.

DBT has been wonderful for me in regards to helping me learn safe coping skills (see, I am just going for safe over healthy these days), learn how to identify emotions, practice using my words, understand that not everyone is out to hurt me, start to trust, and much more. So let's go back to that emotion part.

There are times that I feel like all the new knowledge helps to identify emotions and sometimes I feel like it also can swing to a "you are allowed to feel that and you have to move on." It only makes my continual trying to understand "sit with the emotion" harder to figure out. How about an example...

One finds themselves in a situation that causes anxiety and fear (not a harmful situation). What does DBT tell them to do: breathe, observe and describe the emotion, check the facts. Ok, good. Lets say that the facts support the emotion. Then we choose to accept the situation, improve the moment, self-soothe, or do a pros and cons. Yet, no matter which of those you choose, you are changing the emotion. Yes, you want to get out of the distressed zone, yet sometimes it feels like feeling is not allowed. Feeling scared.....go through the steps and make the choice to be scared or not. Angry.....go through the steps and make the choice to stay angry or not. You can apply it to any emotion. The thing is, sometimes that "make a choice" piece can be invalidating. If the "formula" comes out in favor of not continuing in that emotion, and you are still in that emotion it seem to end up in a "it is wrong to feel this emotion" or "you are choosing to feel this way" like I woke up one day and said "I am going to be angry today" instead of finding yourself in a situation and that is how you react. It is like going from being taught that feeling emotion is wrong and finding it difficult to name and feel emotion, to learning what emotions are and how they feel, to learning that even though all emotions are valid, you have all these skills and tools to teach you to change your emotion.

I guess at this point I need to say again that these are just places I find myself from time to time and something I struggle with. I fully get that DBT is not meant to be destructive or harming. The things I have learned are why I am still alive. And I also know that I have a tendency to overthink things or take something simple and create something complex out of it. I guess that is my disclaimer as not to get myself into trouble by writing this. I also know that I cannot always control what is in my head, yet I can put it on paper and try to make some sense of it all.

How about another example? Let's take a piece of my mom situation. It has been determined that I feel heartbreak, sorry, and grief in the presence of my mother and the facts support those emotions. Radical acceptance - I can't change the situation, and I can change my reaction to it. Well, therefore, don't feel heartbreak, sorrow, and grief.

I get angry with my brother because he once again makes invalidating comments toward me. Well, that is just how he is. I cannot change him and therefore I am only wasting my own energy being mad at him, therefore, quit being mad at him.

Maybe that needs added to Emotional Regulation - you are allowed to feel an emotion even if it sucks you dry and uses up energy. There are times when I just want to be mad, upset, hurt, etc. and I tell myself "are you choosing to be this way?" and if I answer yes, then I feel a lot of guilt because I have all these new skills and tools to help me not feel that way.

It doesn't happen all the time, yet it does happen. I find myself feeling guilty not for feeling an emotion (as in the past) yet continuing to be in that emotion.

Again, I tend to overthink things.

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