POTD and Vegas letter - March 4
Hey family!!!
Wow, what a full day….and I am doing well with it!! Was back up for the morning walk today with Shauna, Katelyn (8), and Brenton (10), which was 35 minutes and a much faster pace. The kids walked with us instead of on their own and they do not have much concept of speed reduction. I did well, and I figured it was good for me to push myself a little. I know I could have slowed down, yet why not try to go a little harder and see how I do? I did pretty darn well. As long as I use my inhaler before we go, I am not doing too bad.
Shauna had some errands this morning and I helped her out by watching the 2 little ones. I am now acclimated to Paw Patrol and Blaze the firetruck. I possibly know more about Paw Patrol than I will ever need to recall. I am acclimating well to the world of children. Brenley (2) was not happy that mama left without her and was crying and really upset. She also had a bite of half chewed French toast in her mouth. I started to tell her to chew it up so she didn’t choke, yet before I got that out she coughed and sent it down my leg. I was like, well, ok, choking hazard averted. I got her to settle down by showing her videos of Tess that were on my phone. Whew, saved by youtube.
Christian says “Christy Blew, I love you” and I replied “and I love you too” and then he says “and I love you three!” He has such an imagination, it is enjoyable to just sit and watch him. With the rest of the kids in school, it has been a lot of Christian and Brenley time. I am looking forward to the weekend to get some time with the older kids. First thing on the agenda tomorrow is to sleep in. I have been pushing myself (like a little kid who doesn’t want to miss anything) and I am starting to feel the effects of it.
Ok, so the big thing today was going to see the mermaids! This is something I found online. The “silverton aquarium” and it was free. So, we headed out and got there…walked through the casino to get to the “aquarium” and it was literally a 30 (maybe) foot cylinder tank in the corner of the back of the casino. Yah, so much for the buildup of seeing an aquarium. Ok, to be fair, it was still cool. There were all kinds of fish and even some stingrays in there. AND, of course, a mermaid who entertained everyone.
Then, the icing on the cake and unplanned surprise…..the mermaid was right next to a Bass Pro Shop!!!! And I have never been to one. Yes, I almost had a stroke right there (and later in the fishing section). We spent most of our two hours of walking in there looking at things and just living out a childhood that I didn’t have. I was pushing Christian and he was excited as I was. I am sure it was fun to watch the two of us being so excited, and I didn’t care because I was having a blast! He was my little clone and wanted to do the same pictures I did. I showed him the reels and he wanted to try every one that we passed.
At one point about an hour or so in, I realized I was real shaky and unbalanced. I just looked at Shauna and said that I didn’t know what the deal was. She smiled back and said “you are just really excited, but here, eat a graham cracker just in case.” We had a laugh with that. Seems that my body still cannot tell the difference between an adrenaline rush from panic and one from excitement. I guess it will eventually figure it out. In the meantime, I just ride it out. I didn’t let it bother me though – no judging or getting mad at myself and it is great because Shauna never makes a big deal about it, she just puts her arm around me or gives me a big hug and we keep going. There is something about the not making a big deal about it that helps. Kind of like a “yup, this is happening and I’m cool with it.” I am not even quite sure how to say that, yet to know that there is someone that it is ok to have reactions like that around in public. As well, she doesn’t let me beat myself up when it happens.
As I go through each day, I try to stay mindful of my thoughts and feelings. I don’t dwell too much on it, yet I am always trying to heal, learn, and move forward. I am not “scared” here, it doesn’t even catch me by surprise like it does from time to time at home. The voices in my head are quiet and not beating me up. Even in the chaos of the kids and activity, my mind is not retaliating. I think that a large part of that has to do with stress. I don’t have that constant stress on me here and I am seeing how that makes a difference. Guess I need to work a little harder on that stress management part when I get back home.
It is not utopia by far. As I keep pushing myself I am physically wearing down and that is not always the wisest place to get myself into. Again, I can see the correlation between the negative thought patterns and my physical well-being (yes, it is a PLEASE Master moment). I continually keep learning, or “seeing” all these things and just have to come up with solutions for when I get back and my environment changes.
I am not invincible out here though. Today my sister had to meet up with my mom and it was a typical mom experience (just glad it was her and not me). I talked to her while we were sitting there at Bass Pro to see how it went. She was sharing the different things mom said and answering the questions I was asking. Then, all of a sudden, I thought “you know, I don’t want to hear this anymore” and it worked out because we were headed out and I needed two hands to push the stroller. It was not that I didn’t want to talk to Lora, it was that I didn’t care to hear again all the negative things mom had to say. Yes, it was one of those milestone moments. I just didn’t care to hear it anymore. Knowing that we are still the horrible children and all the pain in her life is our fault and that there is nothing that she has ever done and so on and so forth, is enough. I really don’t care anymore. I didn’t think it bothered me much yet Shauna noted how quiet I was after that. Guess it still gets me even when I don’t think it does. I just shake my head and still wonder why she came back. Anyways, Lora survived and so did I.
Yup, been a busy day today. I am doing well although I think that tomorrow will be an extra rest day for me. I am here to get stronger and seems I do need to listen to my body in order for that to happen. Does not mean there won’t be adventures tomorrow, just a little slower pace.
Hope all is well with each of you. I miss you all and wish you could be here to experience all this with me too. Guess you couldn’t bill insurance under “location: Las Vegas” :)
More adventure reporting tomorrow,
Blewy
Wow, what a full day….and I am doing well with it!! Was back up for the morning walk today with Shauna, Katelyn (8), and Brenton (10), which was 35 minutes and a much faster pace. The kids walked with us instead of on their own and they do not have much concept of speed reduction. I did well, and I figured it was good for me to push myself a little. I know I could have slowed down, yet why not try to go a little harder and see how I do? I did pretty darn well. As long as I use my inhaler before we go, I am not doing too bad.
Shauna had some errands this morning and I helped her out by watching the 2 little ones. I am now acclimated to Paw Patrol and Blaze the firetruck. I possibly know more about Paw Patrol than I will ever need to recall. I am acclimating well to the world of children. Brenley (2) was not happy that mama left without her and was crying and really upset. She also had a bite of half chewed French toast in her mouth. I started to tell her to chew it up so she didn’t choke, yet before I got that out she coughed and sent it down my leg. I was like, well, ok, choking hazard averted. I got her to settle down by showing her videos of Tess that were on my phone. Whew, saved by youtube.
Christian says “Christy Blew, I love you” and I replied “and I love you too” and then he says “and I love you three!” He has such an imagination, it is enjoyable to just sit and watch him. With the rest of the kids in school, it has been a lot of Christian and Brenley time. I am looking forward to the weekend to get some time with the older kids. First thing on the agenda tomorrow is to sleep in. I have been pushing myself (like a little kid who doesn’t want to miss anything) and I am starting to feel the effects of it.
Ok, so the big thing today was going to see the mermaids! This is something I found online. The “silverton aquarium” and it was free. So, we headed out and got there…walked through the casino to get to the “aquarium” and it was literally a 30 (maybe) foot cylinder tank in the corner of the back of the casino. Yah, so much for the buildup of seeing an aquarium. Ok, to be fair, it was still cool. There were all kinds of fish and even some stingrays in there. AND, of course, a mermaid who entertained everyone.
Then, the icing on the cake and unplanned surprise…..the mermaid was right next to a Bass Pro Shop!!!! And I have never been to one. Yes, I almost had a stroke right there (and later in the fishing section). We spent most of our two hours of walking in there looking at things and just living out a childhood that I didn’t have. I was pushing Christian and he was excited as I was. I am sure it was fun to watch the two of us being so excited, and I didn’t care because I was having a blast! He was my little clone and wanted to do the same pictures I did. I showed him the reels and he wanted to try every one that we passed.
At one point about an hour or so in, I realized I was real shaky and unbalanced. I just looked at Shauna and said that I didn’t know what the deal was. She smiled back and said “you are just really excited, but here, eat a graham cracker just in case.” We had a laugh with that. Seems that my body still cannot tell the difference between an adrenaline rush from panic and one from excitement. I guess it will eventually figure it out. In the meantime, I just ride it out. I didn’t let it bother me though – no judging or getting mad at myself and it is great because Shauna never makes a big deal about it, she just puts her arm around me or gives me a big hug and we keep going. There is something about the not making a big deal about it that helps. Kind of like a “yup, this is happening and I’m cool with it.” I am not even quite sure how to say that, yet to know that there is someone that it is ok to have reactions like that around in public. As well, she doesn’t let me beat myself up when it happens.
As I go through each day, I try to stay mindful of my thoughts and feelings. I don’t dwell too much on it, yet I am always trying to heal, learn, and move forward. I am not “scared” here, it doesn’t even catch me by surprise like it does from time to time at home. The voices in my head are quiet and not beating me up. Even in the chaos of the kids and activity, my mind is not retaliating. I think that a large part of that has to do with stress. I don’t have that constant stress on me here and I am seeing how that makes a difference. Guess I need to work a little harder on that stress management part when I get back home.
It is not utopia by far. As I keep pushing myself I am physically wearing down and that is not always the wisest place to get myself into. Again, I can see the correlation between the negative thought patterns and my physical well-being (yes, it is a PLEASE Master moment). I continually keep learning, or “seeing” all these things and just have to come up with solutions for when I get back and my environment changes.
I am not invincible out here though. Today my sister had to meet up with my mom and it was a typical mom experience (just glad it was her and not me). I talked to her while we were sitting there at Bass Pro to see how it went. She was sharing the different things mom said and answering the questions I was asking. Then, all of a sudden, I thought “you know, I don’t want to hear this anymore” and it worked out because we were headed out and I needed two hands to push the stroller. It was not that I didn’t want to talk to Lora, it was that I didn’t care to hear again all the negative things mom had to say. Yes, it was one of those milestone moments. I just didn’t care to hear it anymore. Knowing that we are still the horrible children and all the pain in her life is our fault and that there is nothing that she has ever done and so on and so forth, is enough. I really don’t care anymore. I didn’t think it bothered me much yet Shauna noted how quiet I was after that. Guess it still gets me even when I don’t think it does. I just shake my head and still wonder why she came back. Anyways, Lora survived and so did I.
Yup, been a busy day today. I am doing well although I think that tomorrow will be an extra rest day for me. I am here to get stronger and seems I do need to listen to my body in order for that to happen. Does not mean there won’t be adventures tomorrow, just a little slower pace.
Hope all is well with each of you. I miss you all and wish you could be here to experience all this with me too. Guess you couldn’t bill insurance under “location: Las Vegas” :)
More adventure reporting tomorrow,
Blewy
