Spooked - April 26

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Evening. Just tucked in and thought maybe I should write just a little.

Was out fishing this afternoon and I had that big tidal wave of sadness hit me hard. Hate it when that happens. It has weighed on me since. I actually quit fishing because of it, which timed out nicely with the thunder that rolled in.

I did not go straight home, had that *not ready to go* feeling. Sat out in a parking lot for an hour or so just thinking, drawing, trying to get my head on straight. Eventually came home.

Just texted a few with Chris. Told her I did not know why I was sad. Ok, let's honestly think about session today. Was there anything we talked about that wouldn't make me sad? My failed relationship with Nicole, my failed friendship with 35, my failed issues with my mom. Um, ok, maybe I have a small reason to be sad.

I think it didn't hit me until earlier because I was all go, go, go, and it was the first moment that I stopped that it all could catch up with me....and it has hurt. I have no idea what to do with it. I do not really want to sit with it any longer. I do not want to think about it especially if it associates with session today. Purpose of the sadness? Um, validate I am a failure? Communicate that I do not have good interpersonal skills? Motivate me to avoid relationships?

I do not like being sad an not being able to do anything about it..like punch something. I am sure being tired from being sick....heck, just all the frustration with bring sick, does not help to keep sadness away either.

Oh well, what do you do. Sleep. Yup, sleep to avoid! Now there is something I have mastery in!

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