Still searching for myself - April 24
Went with Lora yesterday. What a fun day! She caught a few and laughed as she fed a lot more. Told her not to worry, I do that that plenty of times. She was super excited each time she caught one...and when I would catch them too. We have spent a lot of time together lately, just hanging out. Maybe she should move more often? Sadly, it has been a long time since we have just "been sisters" and not had life, jobs, marriages, or mother to deal with. I am soaking them all up as much as I can because the end of the summer will be here before I know it, and she will be gone.
I miss 35. I miss my friend. I miss laughing at silly things while eating Chinese. I do, I really miss my friend. I find myself wanting to send a text message and just say hello, yet she was pretty straightforward on the whole wanting space thing. I wonder how her health is, and if it is worse, does she have anyone to go through it with her. I figure I will never know. She was so excited to tell me about her hall of fame nomination and I imagine I will only hear more of that through some news source long after it happens. I am not all obsessive/compulsive missing someone kind of thing, I just miss my friend, and I am thinking that is perfectly ok. Honestly (and sadly), I am guessing I will not hear from her again. I think that God puts people in our paths, and I also think that sometimes he takes them out of our paths. It was a fun adventure while it lasted. Doesn't mean I have to quit praying for her.
Mom was at church today. I have got to get a handle on this. I tell myself that I am not going to let it bother me, that I am going to put on my "suit of armor" (or whatever phrase I am using that week) and not let her get to me. I tell myself that she is sick and not to take her behaviors personally. I remind myself that she can't hurt me and that she can only get to me if I let her. I encourage and encourage myself that things are fine and that she has no power anymore. I get myself all psyched up (in the positive way) to go forth and not let her presence bother me. Then, I see her from a distance and I just fold up right there. My anxiety kicks up, my stomach gets sick, I become afraid. I revert back to some age and time in my life, yet it sure is not 44 and the present day.
Staying down in the primary room is fine with me, yet sometimes it is not because I want to, it is because I have to in order to feel safe and healthy. I can make myself go sit in the chapel, yet if it is in visual range of her, I am panicked inside. It is that feeling of "please do not make me do this" begging to get up and leave. What do you do with that? Tell that inner piece that "no, we are going to sit here." And what does that do? It trips the negative thoughts toward myself. I can't figure out how to control what happens when that trigger is pulled. I keep trying, I really do, yet her physical presence just affects me so quickly.
It is several things and pieces that make it up. I think one of the big ones is the "she is going to hurt me emotionally" part. She might be nice to me in front of others, she might even praise me and all, she might.....might even act like a caring mother, yet it is all a show, it is not real. It will come back around at some point, it will be used against me either to my face or behind my back. It will be twisted and manipulated into something that is not even true. I get it, she is sick, that twisted reality is her actual reality. Each time she changes the stories that she tells, she truly believes that is how things are. It is hard because in that moment she is being nice, is she actually being nice or is she gathering ammunition. I am afraid of being hurt and I know that if I don't communicate with her, it makes my chances better of not getting hurt. It helps at some level I guess. Yet, I see her and I just want to run away as fast as I can, making sure she does not see me. If she doesn't see me, she can't hurt me. If I can't see her, I am safe.
I am not sure if it bothers her or not, seems it has to at some level, I mean she *is* our mom. She taught us from teenagers that the way you deal with people you don't like or who have hurt you, is to look right through them like they are not even there. And we saw it in action more than once. Her last husband, David, went to church there in Danville too. After the divorce and all, she would say to us, I don't even see him, he is invisible to me, and so he cannot affect me. Hey, that is great if that helps you cope with things. I, though, have never been able to achieve that place. I can duck, cover, run, and hide, yet I can't look through someone like they are not there. Maybe that is a flaw on my part, who knows. And so, she may be able to look through me, yet I see her perfectly clear.
There has to be some answer to this. She is not going anywhere and I am not stopping my attendance just because she is there. Is it bad that I have friends there at church who are on "mom watch" for me? These are the ones who catch me in the hall before church starts, or the ones who sit in the very back next to the chapel doors that can signal me before I get too close. I just don't know what to do anymore about it. What I do know is, it is not a positive thing physically for my body to go through, especially with the issues I have been having. I managed to keep from throwing up today, yet I am not sure how.
I am not even sure who to ask for help with this. Tami is going to tell me to quit letting her get to me and that I am not going to get better until I can get to that point. Chris and I are going to come up with more plans of action which will most likely fail as soon as I see mom. Or we are going to go for opposite action and immersion which is not going to pleasant to me emotionally or really good for me physically. And the only answer anyone ever seems to have to "why does she have so much power over me" is "because you allow her to." In other words, all of this is basically my fault. I am letting her get to me and if I would just stop that, all would be fine. "I am trying" doesn't really seem to register, other than ending in a "try a little harder." And, as well, I have to accept that there may not really be an answer - there is no reason why she affects me the way she does. That is fine except it all just comes back around to it all being controlled by myself then. She gets to me because I let her get to me. Therefore, if I can't get over it, quit bitching about it.
Supposedly, this is one of the issues that has me seeing Amy. I am not quite sure of all of that just yet. I have had 4 sessions now and we have not done anything other than general talking. Maybe she is doing some unconscious thing??? Nice lady, yet if this is all it is going to be, I want my Friday's back with Chris, at least we make some headway with things. It is a very different environment. I am sure it will change with time, yet she is kind of intimidating. Again, just my current perspective of the situation and I will have to be the one who figures out how to adjust to that, yet I have not connected to a warm, safe environment yet. Everything appears to be "in its place" and she sits in her chair and I sit on the couch (which by the way, is not too comfortable, yet that is not important). Yah, I trust her because Tami speaks highly of her (as does everyone else), yet I have not had that immediate connection of warmth, safety, and feeling comfortable that I had with Chris, Tami, Mel, and Angela. Heck, I have gotten more out of 1 session with Angela than the 4 with Amy. She is wonderful and all, yet come on, let's actually do something. I won't say anything (well, guess Chris will know my thoughts on this) as I am sure it is just a matter of time. Maybe we are in that "building relationships of trust" yet I still have her at arms length. I don't know, maybe I need to quit having the answers to her questions and play ignorant. Maybe she is not sure what to do with me since I seem to already know, or have experienced much of her "pre-therapy" preparation stuff. Maybe I will try that, backing off my answers.....not lying, just not admitting the amount that I know.
Maybe it is a flaw. You give me homework, and I am going to do it and I am not going to half-ass do it, I am going to give it everything that I have. She says to start trying to identify my "parts" and so I send her an explanation of the kids and all. She reads through it, yet doesn't have too much of a response other than I seem to have a lot of description with the pieces that I have identified and she notes that there are probably many more that I have not identified, to which I agree. Tami suggested to me that I send her the abuse document that I wrote, and so I included that as well. She had not read it yet due to it being long and all, yet she notes that since I have already written it, I don't have to talk about it. I am not sure what that meant - um, does that mean we are not going to even discuss this? Ok, not that I am all willing to go back to that place, yet isn't that why I am there? To get to a place where that quits haunting me? So, yah, I still have a bit of a wall up there. I am sure it will adjust and I will not feel so intimidated. I will give it a month and see if things start changing. Of course, we all know that it will be more than a month because I won't have the guts to say "this is not working for me" if it isn't. I do see Tami this week and maybe I will ask her to send an email to Amy to ask her how I am doing. As I said, maybe she is doing things and I just don't realize it. Everyone deserves a chance and I have to remember that with the therapy family I have, I have a pretty high bar that is set.
So, that is life these days. Physically I am here and trying to hang on the best I can. Emotionally, I just keep trying to apply the things I am learning and hope for the best. I just have to keep remembering that I am loved and I am not alone. It is ok if I still get scared. Fear has not killed me yet and I do not think it will anytime soon.