Back to the questions
Well, time to open the box back up I guess. Chris would say how with the abuse stuff, maybe there would be times when I might just need to put it in a box and put it on the shelf for a bit (and she would make sure it did not get left there) and visit it at a later time. Naps and overnight sleep full of nightmares, anger outbursts (haven't thrown something across the room for a long time, nice to see I still have it in me), and untriggered dissociations are making me think I should get back to the list of questions.
Something/someone was trying to talk all day today. I will often use that comparison to feeling like there is pressure in me, like a shaken up pop can. I feel like there is something greater than I (and not great as in wonderful/marvelous) inside of me and it is trying to get out. Sometimes that is one of the triggers for the self harm - is like a pressure release. I am suffocating from the inside and I need some kind of a release. Now, with the abuse stuff coming through, I have started to think that this is part of those non-verbal pieces of myself trying to communicate. Today, as I struggled with the feelings, I tried to keep that frame of mind - this is a piece of me trying to communicate - yet I did not know what to do with it. It was very difficult to stay grounded, and it was also very exhausting physically and emotionally. It wore on me all day, I struggled with focusing quite a bit. Even working out in the shop, I struggled keeping on track and concentrating on what I was doing. My mind continually wandered and I have been very agitated.
How long have I been actively dealing with the abuse? So we are just at or a little over a month since all of this started coming out. I really do not know how that fits on timelines. I have no clue "where I should be" in the healing process at this point. I am sure there are stages, just like there are stages of grief, and I am sure that I am most likely following them out of order - because I kind of do things that way. Thing is, I can't use the excuse, "I've never done this before" because we have been down this road before and still, it is so very different.
Am I in a crisis or am I focusing more on a particular problem area? I am not even sure how to answer this. I guess I am focusing more on a problem area - the idea that I have a lot of emotions, mainly anger, pointed at myself and I am being told that I should not be doing that.
What aspects of healing have I mostly resolved? Well, we have the telling mom part taken care of. We have the who did it part taken care of (even if I didn't want to know). I am sure I have more of it resolved than what I think. Then again, I could be in the wrong frame of mind to be answering these questions.
What's left for me to do? Own it, remove the dissociation between myself and the littlest one - from both the time of the abuse and the present. Let go of or route emotions to appropriate places/people.
What issue am I the most concerned with right now? Delete...delete....delete. Yup, wrote that all out and just deleted it. At the end of the day, that concern is my issue to deal with. Suck it up Blew.
I wish there was a checklist or a timeline or something. You know, something that says, ok, it has been a month, you should be here. I mean, if I am not working through things then I need to be stepping it up. Again, maybe I am not in the most wise mind place to be doing this tonight. I'm distressed and agitated. I have struggled all day to calm and quiet my mind, even when doing tasks that usually work to do that. I have wanted to hibernate, escape, sleep, and forget all exists today, yet I have not done it. I have stayed awake and faced the day. Yet, it is after 10 now which means I can go to sleep and not feel guilty about it. It will be hard to fall asleep and I anticipate that my dreams will not be too different tonight than the last few nights. After a while you just want to send out a message that says "please come save me" yet it doesn't work that way. The only person who can save me is myself. No one picks me up off the floor. They can offer a hand, yet they can't pick me up, I have to make the effort myself.
Right now, though, I am just going to curl up in the corner. Maybe, just maybe, someone will come sit by me. Not asking them to help me up, yet just to sit with me. Maybe put their hand on my shoulder, maybe let me put my head in their lap for a few. Just give me a few moments to catch my breath, find my center. Let me feel what I need to feel so I can feel safe again.
Something/someone was trying to talk all day today. I will often use that comparison to feeling like there is pressure in me, like a shaken up pop can. I feel like there is something greater than I (and not great as in wonderful/marvelous) inside of me and it is trying to get out. Sometimes that is one of the triggers for the self harm - is like a pressure release. I am suffocating from the inside and I need some kind of a release. Now, with the abuse stuff coming through, I have started to think that this is part of those non-verbal pieces of myself trying to communicate. Today, as I struggled with the feelings, I tried to keep that frame of mind - this is a piece of me trying to communicate - yet I did not know what to do with it. It was very difficult to stay grounded, and it was also very exhausting physically and emotionally. It wore on me all day, I struggled with focusing quite a bit. Even working out in the shop, I struggled keeping on track and concentrating on what I was doing. My mind continually wandered and I have been very agitated.
How long have I been actively dealing with the abuse? So we are just at or a little over a month since all of this started coming out. I really do not know how that fits on timelines. I have no clue "where I should be" in the healing process at this point. I am sure there are stages, just like there are stages of grief, and I am sure that I am most likely following them out of order - because I kind of do things that way. Thing is, I can't use the excuse, "I've never done this before" because we have been down this road before and still, it is so very different.
Am I in a crisis or am I focusing more on a particular problem area? I am not even sure how to answer this. I guess I am focusing more on a problem area - the idea that I have a lot of emotions, mainly anger, pointed at myself and I am being told that I should not be doing that.
What aspects of healing have I mostly resolved? Well, we have the telling mom part taken care of. We have the who did it part taken care of (even if I didn't want to know). I am sure I have more of it resolved than what I think. Then again, I could be in the wrong frame of mind to be answering these questions.
What's left for me to do? Own it, remove the dissociation between myself and the littlest one - from both the time of the abuse and the present. Let go of or route emotions to appropriate places/people.
What issue am I the most concerned with right now? Delete...delete....delete. Yup, wrote that all out and just deleted it. At the end of the day, that concern is my issue to deal with. Suck it up Blew.
I wish there was a checklist or a timeline or something. You know, something that says, ok, it has been a month, you should be here. I mean, if I am not working through things then I need to be stepping it up. Again, maybe I am not in the most wise mind place to be doing this tonight. I'm distressed and agitated. I have struggled all day to calm and quiet my mind, even when doing tasks that usually work to do that. I have wanted to hibernate, escape, sleep, and forget all exists today, yet I have not done it. I have stayed awake and faced the day. Yet, it is after 10 now which means I can go to sleep and not feel guilty about it. It will be hard to fall asleep and I anticipate that my dreams will not be too different tonight than the last few nights. After a while you just want to send out a message that says "please come save me" yet it doesn't work that way. The only person who can save me is myself. No one picks me up off the floor. They can offer a hand, yet they can't pick me up, I have to make the effort myself.
Right now, though, I am just going to curl up in the corner. Maybe, just maybe, someone will come sit by me. Not asking them to help me up, yet just to sit with me. Maybe put their hand on my shoulder, maybe let me put my head in their lap for a few. Just give me a few moments to catch my breath, find my center. Let me feel what I need to feel so I can feel safe again.