One accomplishment
I am glad it is Friday. I feel like I have done not much more than screw up this past week. Seeing that there were good things that happened this past week as well, that is an awful lot of screwing up. I would like to, at some level, put it all behind me and just move on. I know it will come back around and haunt me at some point, yet let's hope there is some breathing room in between there first.
I need to get back to the workbook. It sitting there on the coffee table staring at me is not helping. Twice in session now Chris has had the narrative in hand and we have not touched it. It is time to get through this stuff. I kind of hoped she was still at the office tonight when I left the ranch because I was in a super good mood, well maybe I should say it like this - I was in a really good place with myself - and I thought, "this would be a great moment to just sit and talk for a few, while in this good spot." It is rare that I show up in session in that spot, matter of fact, not sure I ever have....not like this. I imagine she wouldn't know what to do with me, as it would be so opposite of how I usually am. I told her I might write her an email, yet I don't know if I will or not. You might ask why not and I guess the reply would be that part of it all would be not only that opportunity to share face to face, yet to have that "physical" feedback. I know, silly me, the one who usually hides behind pieces of paper, looking for verbal and body language feedback. Maybe the world is coming to an end.
I don't know, is it wrong to want to share something that is momentful and meaningful, exciting and new, with someone? And with someone that would understand why you are so excited - or at least validate your excitement? We all know things are so much more with me. I did not simply "ride a horse", I did something that should have scared the living hell out of me. Flash is not a small horse, matter of fact, he is the largest one out there right now. Horses are large, powerful creatures. They are majestic and command respect. They are not "just horses", they are these powerfully spiritual creations of God. Yes, you respect a horse, and now I am going to climb up on one?
Dorey said I was going to ride Flash because we have this "thing" going. Well, we do. He will see me and run across the pasture to come up to me. It's kind of heartwarming. Now, Dakota, his pasture-mate, will run up too, yet it is more of a race of "pet me first" I think. Flash will lay his chin up on my shoulder and nuzzle me like giving me a "huggy-kiss" for lack of a better explanation. Seems he does not do this to others. Yah, we have become buddies. I have decided that he has a sense of humor. I think Heavenly Father knew I needed one of those horses to become my buddy, and it seems that Flash got the calling.
I was learning about leading him today and one of the things is that you have to use a "powerful" voice when you give commands. I guess the better word might be "assertive." The horse needs to know that you are the one in control. Talk about a DBT lesson. That took a few tries, yet once I put some "umph" behind my commands, he followed them. Dorey was like, "there you go! now he knows who is the boss."
Ok, so, what would I have said to Chris tonight had I had the chance to see and talk with her? Well, she would have had to put up with my "when I get really excited" smile and probably talking too fast. Matter of fact, I don't think I quit smiling the whole time I was up on that horse. I was a little nervous, I was unsure about my physical self. I had all kinds of questions in my head before I even got near Flash and the saddle - was my balance going to be an issue, were my legs going to cause problems, was I too big, was I going to have an anxiety attack? Something must have showed on my face as Dorey said, "it's ok to be nervous, yet you two have a good relationship and it will be just fine." And I did think about that, we did have a good trust between us, or at least we had something between us. Yet, now I was going to climb up on his back. Well, don't know till you try.
I got up on Flash and it was an amazing feeling. I sat there a moment and Dorey helped get my feet in the stirrups. I took a deep breath and as I exhaled I just relaxed everything. I was balanced and I felt very safe and balanced. It was a very unexpected feeling. One of those, not sure what I was going to feel, yet it wasn't that. Dorey said, "I'm going to lead you around a couple times and then let you take over." Yes, I would be leading Flash on my own. As we did those couple times around I thought a lot about my connection with Flash. How was I sitting in connection to him, how was the flow from my body to the saddle to him. Was it like three pieces or one flowing unit (it was like one flowing unit). I thought about myself, was I relaxed or stiffened up, scared or trusting. I felt his gait, the pattern, was there a pattern to it all that I could match a breathing pattern to. ,I knew that in a few moments I would be in control of all of this, so how could we be as much a single unit as we could be.
It was so relaxing, and just fun. I just enjoyed it. I laughed and smiled. I was not afraid at all. We just walked, no trotting. It is defiantly a lesson in trust and vulnerability. How much more vulnerable can you make yourself than sitting 4.5 feet atop a 1000+ pound creature that could make an unexpected sudden move at any second that could throw you off and really injure you. Yes, I think that fits under trust and vulnerability. And, I think I did very, very well with it. At one point when I was riding and smiling and Dorey and I were talking about how it really had in impact in regards to making a person calmer and relaxed, I said, "My therapist is going to be so proud of me!" and she just laughed!
I felt like I was on top of the world. I felt free. I felt good. I felt like, "look at me" yet not in a prideful way. I was just a kid who did something really neat and I was feeling really happy about my accomplishment. This is where I would grab the grown up Littlest One and hug her really tight and be like, "That was so cool!!!! Do you get to do this all the time??"
It was funny though. So, anyone who rides has to wear a helmet and they have several there to choose from, so I had to take my hat and bandana off. We laughed as I said, "Look Flash, you and I have almost the same hair color! (which we really do)". After I got off and went to pet Flash and Dakota as well (he had been in the arena as well from an earlier riding session) they both were a little apprehensive of me. I was a little thrown by that at first, then I put my cowboy hat back on and they both came right back up to me. Isn't that funny. Ha! Earlier in the visit Flash was trying to bite at my hat and take it off my head. Told you he had a sense of humor!
I "feel good" down there. And I know that I should not feel different one place than another. I often will talk about how I felt when I lived in Charleston, that even if I can't really come up with words to describe the difference, there is a difference from the person I was down there and the one I am here. It is like when I came back up here I put a part of myself that I allowed to develop into a box and locked it away, as if it was not allowed to exist here. It is hard to explain, most likely because it is so much of emotions and feelings. I was a different person in Charleston. It is not that I was better or worse, I was just different. I still am. When I go down there, I actually act different. Oh I still have just as many trust issues as I do up here, yet I feel like.....well, how would I explain it.....I do not feel so afraid to just "be" when I am there. I am not as afraid to laugh, I am not as afraid to smile, I am not as afraid to try. I may have been those things, yet not to the level I am here. That was "my" world, this was not.
"The ranch" feels like Charleston in that similar way. It is something that I initiated, something that I can be who I am with no preconceived ideas. I can be me...just me. I can see the beauty that is there, and I can express it, and I am validated for it. I can be ordinary and still be useful. I can be imperfect and still have something to offer. I fit in there just as I am. There is a good spirit there, and I not only have something to contribute to that, yet I am allowed to partake of it. I am somebody when I am there. Just being there, I feel like somebody. When I leave, I feel like somebody. Then, it is like "time to go back to reality" and I have to hang that on a coat rack or something until the next time I get to go out there. It is like I am not allowed to be that, I have to give it up, I have to put it aside. And that is the big unknown piece......whatever that is that causes me to let go. The piece that finishes the phrase of, "I have to because.....". There has to be a reason because I did it, I've done it, I still do it. Whether it is something in me, something I have created, some myth I have built, some myth someone else has built, or some association I have, there is an invisible boundary where I am allowed to be/act one way and not be/act another.
I know the next step in the book will be listing accomplishments. Well, today was one - I rode a horse, by myself, and I loved it.
I need to get back to the workbook. It sitting there on the coffee table staring at me is not helping. Twice in session now Chris has had the narrative in hand and we have not touched it. It is time to get through this stuff. I kind of hoped she was still at the office tonight when I left the ranch because I was in a super good mood, well maybe I should say it like this - I was in a really good place with myself - and I thought, "this would be a great moment to just sit and talk for a few, while in this good spot." It is rare that I show up in session in that spot, matter of fact, not sure I ever have....not like this. I imagine she wouldn't know what to do with me, as it would be so opposite of how I usually am. I told her I might write her an email, yet I don't know if I will or not. You might ask why not and I guess the reply would be that part of it all would be not only that opportunity to share face to face, yet to have that "physical" feedback. I know, silly me, the one who usually hides behind pieces of paper, looking for verbal and body language feedback. Maybe the world is coming to an end.
I don't know, is it wrong to want to share something that is momentful and meaningful, exciting and new, with someone? And with someone that would understand why you are so excited - or at least validate your excitement? We all know things are so much more with me. I did not simply "ride a horse", I did something that should have scared the living hell out of me. Flash is not a small horse, matter of fact, he is the largest one out there right now. Horses are large, powerful creatures. They are majestic and command respect. They are not "just horses", they are these powerfully spiritual creations of God. Yes, you respect a horse, and now I am going to climb up on one?
Dorey said I was going to ride Flash because we have this "thing" going. Well, we do. He will see me and run across the pasture to come up to me. It's kind of heartwarming. Now, Dakota, his pasture-mate, will run up too, yet it is more of a race of "pet me first" I think. Flash will lay his chin up on my shoulder and nuzzle me like giving me a "huggy-kiss" for lack of a better explanation. Seems he does not do this to others. Yah, we have become buddies. I have decided that he has a sense of humor. I think Heavenly Father knew I needed one of those horses to become my buddy, and it seems that Flash got the calling.
I was learning about leading him today and one of the things is that you have to use a "powerful" voice when you give commands. I guess the better word might be "assertive." The horse needs to know that you are the one in control. Talk about a DBT lesson. That took a few tries, yet once I put some "umph" behind my commands, he followed them. Dorey was like, "there you go! now he knows who is the boss."
Ok, so, what would I have said to Chris tonight had I had the chance to see and talk with her? Well, she would have had to put up with my "when I get really excited" smile and probably talking too fast. Matter of fact, I don't think I quit smiling the whole time I was up on that horse. I was a little nervous, I was unsure about my physical self. I had all kinds of questions in my head before I even got near Flash and the saddle - was my balance going to be an issue, were my legs going to cause problems, was I too big, was I going to have an anxiety attack? Something must have showed on my face as Dorey said, "it's ok to be nervous, yet you two have a good relationship and it will be just fine." And I did think about that, we did have a good trust between us, or at least we had something between us. Yet, now I was going to climb up on his back. Well, don't know till you try.
I got up on Flash and it was an amazing feeling. I sat there a moment and Dorey helped get my feet in the stirrups. I took a deep breath and as I exhaled I just relaxed everything. I was balanced and I felt very safe and balanced. It was a very unexpected feeling. One of those, not sure what I was going to feel, yet it wasn't that. Dorey said, "I'm going to lead you around a couple times and then let you take over." Yes, I would be leading Flash on my own. As we did those couple times around I thought a lot about my connection with Flash. How was I sitting in connection to him, how was the flow from my body to the saddle to him. Was it like three pieces or one flowing unit (it was like one flowing unit). I thought about myself, was I relaxed or stiffened up, scared or trusting. I felt his gait, the pattern, was there a pattern to it all that I could match a breathing pattern to. ,I knew that in a few moments I would be in control of all of this, so how could we be as much a single unit as we could be.
It was so relaxing, and just fun. I just enjoyed it. I laughed and smiled. I was not afraid at all. We just walked, no trotting. It is defiantly a lesson in trust and vulnerability. How much more vulnerable can you make yourself than sitting 4.5 feet atop a 1000+ pound creature that could make an unexpected sudden move at any second that could throw you off and really injure you. Yes, I think that fits under trust and vulnerability. And, I think I did very, very well with it. At one point when I was riding and smiling and Dorey and I were talking about how it really had in impact in regards to making a person calmer and relaxed, I said, "My therapist is going to be so proud of me!" and she just laughed!
I felt like I was on top of the world. I felt free. I felt good. I felt like, "look at me" yet not in a prideful way. I was just a kid who did something really neat and I was feeling really happy about my accomplishment. This is where I would grab the grown up Littlest One and hug her really tight and be like, "That was so cool!!!! Do you get to do this all the time??"
It was funny though. So, anyone who rides has to wear a helmet and they have several there to choose from, so I had to take my hat and bandana off. We laughed as I said, "Look Flash, you and I have almost the same hair color! (which we really do)". After I got off and went to pet Flash and Dakota as well (he had been in the arena as well from an earlier riding session) they both were a little apprehensive of me. I was a little thrown by that at first, then I put my cowboy hat back on and they both came right back up to me. Isn't that funny. Ha! Earlier in the visit Flash was trying to bite at my hat and take it off my head. Told you he had a sense of humor!
I "feel good" down there. And I know that I should not feel different one place than another. I often will talk about how I felt when I lived in Charleston, that even if I can't really come up with words to describe the difference, there is a difference from the person I was down there and the one I am here. It is like when I came back up here I put a part of myself that I allowed to develop into a box and locked it away, as if it was not allowed to exist here. It is hard to explain, most likely because it is so much of emotions and feelings. I was a different person in Charleston. It is not that I was better or worse, I was just different. I still am. When I go down there, I actually act different. Oh I still have just as many trust issues as I do up here, yet I feel like.....well, how would I explain it.....I do not feel so afraid to just "be" when I am there. I am not as afraid to laugh, I am not as afraid to smile, I am not as afraid to try. I may have been those things, yet not to the level I am here. That was "my" world, this was not.
"The ranch" feels like Charleston in that similar way. It is something that I initiated, something that I can be who I am with no preconceived ideas. I can be me...just me. I can see the beauty that is there, and I can express it, and I am validated for it. I can be ordinary and still be useful. I can be imperfect and still have something to offer. I fit in there just as I am. There is a good spirit there, and I not only have something to contribute to that, yet I am allowed to partake of it. I am somebody when I am there. Just being there, I feel like somebody. When I leave, I feel like somebody. Then, it is like "time to go back to reality" and I have to hang that on a coat rack or something until the next time I get to go out there. It is like I am not allowed to be that, I have to give it up, I have to put it aside. And that is the big unknown piece......whatever that is that causes me to let go. The piece that finishes the phrase of, "I have to because.....". There has to be a reason because I did it, I've done it, I still do it. Whether it is something in me, something I have created, some myth I have built, some myth someone else has built, or some association I have, there is an invisible boundary where I am allowed to be/act one way and not be/act another.
I know the next step in the book will be listing accomplishments. Well, today was one - I rode a horse, by myself, and I loved it.