And then it turns to rambling

So many things on my mind to write. So many topics. Yah, the craziness in the head starts to come back. At least it is all understandable still at this point. It was a good day. Got through a few more things in the garage and finally got my desk brought into the house. Ok so it is sitting in the middle of the kitchen, and it is finally in the house! How many years have I lived here?

It needs a good cleaning with the dusting spray. It has fared well in the garage, yet it has some scars too. I was looking at it when I was bringing it in and chuckling as now I can see how it was built. I think I could almost build it myself. Of course I have never done anything with laminate, although I have watched videos on it.

I have gone back and forth if I will put it in the living room or my bedroom. I think it will go in my bedroom. I will put my scriptures on it. Maybe put my laptop in there. Force me to sit and study and such in one spot. Granted. sprawling on the couch like this on the laptop might be missed, yet it will be good for me to be in a routine. Write in blog, read scriptures, all together. Or something like that.

I worked outside today marking off where I am going to put my fence. I actually calculated pretty close in my head. I am pulling it out farther than it was before - past the shop. I didn't go all the way to the end of the yard because that floods back there. So I posts as markers right now until I can get some t-posts and fencing to start putting it all together.

I'm all about getting a new pup and there is one at the animal shelter that has caught my eye. I think this last round was just too much, I need a new friend that I can love. And, I need someone to love me. After Tess died, I remember saying, who is going to love me now? There was that spot that her unconditional love - who cared that it was from a dog - filled. And it has been so hard to be without it this round. I don't know how I went almost 3 years after Ali.

The first "resolution" (or whatever they are going to be called) that had come to my mind this year and continues to do so whenever I think about them is taking my heart and giving it back to Watts (theoretically). Over the past few years, I have reached out, and we saw what happened there. No interest from anyone. This past year I spent on one side being open and honest and having fun doing that and being encouraged to do so, and yet reciprocity was never equal. On the other side, I spent more than a year carefully keeping feelings in the background, not talked about to others, only to be conversed about in those alone times - mostly behind the wheel on the interstate. I gave it a year in hopes that things might change, and as the year has come to a close, I have realized that sometimes all you can offer someone is being a friend. So, I kind of sit with my heart in my hands, poor little thing, no one wants it, is that sad or what? It's ok, give it a couple more weeks, there will be a very special 4-legged someone in my life that will be more than happy to take it.

So Nicole was working the patient check out at mom's doctor appt on Friday. I don't know if she saw me or not as mom talked to her and I just kind of slid past. I had the craziest thoughts though, although I am guessing they are not really that crazy. Things I have learned - crazy really isn't too crazy. She'd take me back in a moment. And you know, here is the thing, (ok, before I go further, NO, I am not going back to her, I am just expressing thoughts I had) although it was damaging and most likely so far from factual, she "loved" me. Ok, yes I was used and abused and all that. Yet, think about it, I have put my heart out there and not had much luck. Granted, the pool isn't very big when you don't drink, smoke, or party. The leftovers are already taken, or not interested. So, why wouldn't I go back to Nicole? (again, NOT GOING BACK TO HER). Well, let's be honest, I did go back to her after the 1st time I kicked her out. Granted, don't think her pressuring me to take her back gave me time to think about anyone else. Yet by the time everyone got their comments in, I was so confused if I had kicked her out because I had wanted to or if it was because they had wanted me to - and she was playing on that. In the end I let her back in. Well, at least the next time she went, I was for sure it was my decision.

But really, when Frankie asked me to marry him (rest in peace buddy) my thought was I had to say yes because no one else was ever going to ask me something like that. And then I got some sense knocked into me and that whole situation resolved. Years later I was willing to move to Poland to be with Marek. Why, because we were adults then and again, who else was going to ask me to spend their life with them. Oh Marek, you jerk.

I think after my experiences with these last two, I am just going to accept that there is no one out there that is going to want to spend their life with me. As I have said before, I am everybody's friend and no one's date. Eh, I will continue to say it doesn't bother me and it will continue to make me sad. I will wonder what it is about me. I will wonder how I can be this person that people say is so amazing and wonderful and so on and so on, yet friends is all it is. Sometimes I like to daydream that there is someone out there that knows me and is kind of head over heels for me, and just doesn't know how to say it for one reason or another. I can be ok with that. So I go with that - there really is someone who loves me deeply, they just haven't told me yet.