Starting the year in a Tsunami

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Welcome to a new year. So many old scars on that poor left arm. Seems like I would make it many more days, weeks, months, before more would be added. And thus the demons get first strike in 2019.

I find it amazing in a way, how the day after a self-harming incident, my mind is so quiet and calm. Seriously, it's like I can function and think and heck, almost remember things. Ever see a lake that is so calm it is like a mirror? Think of that kind of an effect happening right after a torrential rain storm that has included hail, destructive winds, lightening, and induced sheer terror. Oh, and the storm lasted multiple days without stopping. No in-between, just the horrible storm for so long, then you go to sleep and when you wake up, the calmest opposition. In the thankfulness of it, you also wonder, how does that work.

I have all these skills, knowledge of coping, distress tolerance, etc. I can ride the wave, fake it, soothe, and more. I am not sure if I have ever made it to the calm water with those. I really don't know. Maybe to the calmer water, yet not to the calmest. Is this another place where you make sacrifices? If I can't get to the calmest place without hurting myself, then do I sacrifice trying to get here and take the next best thing? Or, do I keep living in the storm - whether it is just a sprinkle or a tsunami - and forget about the calm water all together.

I did reach out to Shauna last night. I wasn't going to. You see, it is hard to reach out to someone when you want to hurt yourself. It is hard to reach out to someone who is not therapy family and there are reasons to reach out to therapy family. Maybe I said that backwards? At least this is how I have experienced it. I find it hard to reach out to non therapy family because I never know what to say. This is what I was finally able to say to Shauna last night.

I think she was fully aware that something was not right, she had been in touch with me all day long and each time I was a little lower. I finally just said, it's hard to tell someone you need help when you want to hurt yourself because you don't know how to answer all the questions like how to help and what do you need and all of those. So you (at least I do) get afraid to ask for help because you are afraid of the questions that you won't have answers for. Shauna said she could see and understand that and what was something that she could do? Jokingly, kind of, I said, listen to me ramble. She said she could do that. So that's what I did. I rambled. What was bothering me at that moment, and then just where things went from there. She just listened, validated, listened more. I had not told her I had already hurt myself, yet she is a smart gal.

She will many times ask how I am feeling and so many times tell me how much she loves me and the kids love me. I like that. A lot. Maybe there is something wrong with me, and still, I like to hear that I am loved. She sends me pictures of the kids and their adventures and reminds me of my importance in their families life. She calls me her hero. For years, she has called me her hero. Even at my lowest point, I've still been her hero.

We talked and eventually we laughed. I calmed down, quieted down. I finally got tired and I finally could think. I let her know I was going to send an email to Chris letting her know I was ok and then I was going to go to sleep. It was still raining, yet the storm had passed. Before signing off I let her know it was just "a small boo boo" and that I was ok. I promised to check in today (and I have several times).

Today was calm. Still a crazy day and didn't get things done that I wanted and tomorrow will not be much better, and the water has been calm. That is today. I only can pray it stays for tomorrow as well.

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