Back to those "resolution" things
Well, we talked about my heart. Let's move on to the next. I believe I called it "Shove 2018 crap (and anything else left over) in the pain locker that isn't going to get dealt with." I know, quite the statement, eh? If it helps, I drew a picture.
You see, there is this big huge closet that has all these containers in it. Each one contains something painful, hurtful, invalidating, pick a word. There is a lot here. This is the "put it in a box and shove it away" place. When it hurts too much to bear, it goes here.
Over the years, other things started to accumulate here too. Things I was afraid to ask about and things I was afraid to ask help for. This is also where I shoved a lot of misunderstood or unclarified therapy conversations. And trust me, after 20+ off and on years of therapy, that is a lot of conversations.
I pull something out of my big box I have put in and I look over at the shelves deciding if it needs to be added to a box or thrown into a box of its own. 2018 was a good year, and I filled up that box pretty well too. I gave up too much of myself. There were these little pockets in my life's map where it is just like someone took scissors and chopped a big hole. I just rolled along with life no matter how much it hurt. I didn't want to make anyone mad. And this is so beyond the 35 stuff. I played "yes girl" to a lot of people in a lot of situations when I really didn't want to. There are a few more things to fill boxes.
Back in DBT round one, I think it was in interpersonal relationships, we talked about when you say yes all the time to people, whether you want to or not, they often take advantage of that - even if they don't mean to. They know you will go along with whatever, because you always do. They know you will....whatever....because you always do. That's pretty much me. I'm the "I'm easy going" and "not a problem" person. I know I do it, and yet, it keeps everyone happy and the ship sailing. More crap for the locker.
I do it in therapy. I am sure the family is very aware that I do it. Sometimes I get called on it, sometimes not. I'm sure it is the "you have the right to respond however you want" thing. But I still get my mind wrapped into that "don't bother them" mindset and let things go.
All this stuff with Tami and I that happened back before Thanksgiving that I wanted some answers to, I dropped it. The session I saw Mel after the car wreck, I told Mel to drop and and not say anything. Told Mel I knew I wouldn't see Tami until after the first of the year and who would really care by then. I guess that is really only a half and item for a box, I mean, yes I really wanted some answers, and in the end, did it really matter? Yah, it hurt. Yah, I didn't understand. And, it's me, suck it up and move on. I see Tami this week, first time since that last session where all that happened. I am curious how it will go. I am sure she has long forgotten it all. This will be good. See, perfect example.
Do I do it with Chris? Yes. Does she realize it? Oh I am so sure she does when I do in session. I am sure that every time I shut down and say, "yah, you're right" she knows that I actually believe she is right, and I had a lot more to say on the subject. All those thoughts, questions, and such go in a box to be put on a shelf in the closet. Might even get a label "you had your chance to talk about this."
So, I clean out the big box dragged in. Pack things up, put them on the shelves, lock up the closet. Maybe this next year I won't create so many things to go in there. Maybe I won't be as scared to talk, or follow up, or just right out ask. Maybe I will value my own opinion a little more.
Maybe there will be less boxes come the end of 2019.
Over the years, other things started to accumulate here too. Things I was afraid to ask about and things I was afraid to ask help for. This is also where I shoved a lot of misunderstood or unclarified therapy conversations. And trust me, after 20+ off and on years of therapy, that is a lot of conversations.
I pull something out of my big box I have put in and I look over at the shelves deciding if it needs to be added to a box or thrown into a box of its own. 2018 was a good year, and I filled up that box pretty well too. I gave up too much of myself. There were these little pockets in my life's map where it is just like someone took scissors and chopped a big hole. I just rolled along with life no matter how much it hurt. I didn't want to make anyone mad. And this is so beyond the 35 stuff. I played "yes girl" to a lot of people in a lot of situations when I really didn't want to. There are a few more things to fill boxes.
Back in DBT round one, I think it was in interpersonal relationships, we talked about when you say yes all the time to people, whether you want to or not, they often take advantage of that - even if they don't mean to. They know you will go along with whatever, because you always do. They know you will....whatever....because you always do. That's pretty much me. I'm the "I'm easy going" and "not a problem" person. I know I do it, and yet, it keeps everyone happy and the ship sailing. More crap for the locker.
I do it in therapy. I am sure the family is very aware that I do it. Sometimes I get called on it, sometimes not. I'm sure it is the "you have the right to respond however you want" thing. But I still get my mind wrapped into that "don't bother them" mindset and let things go.
All this stuff with Tami and I that happened back before Thanksgiving that I wanted some answers to, I dropped it. The session I saw Mel after the car wreck, I told Mel to drop and and not say anything. Told Mel I knew I wouldn't see Tami until after the first of the year and who would really care by then. I guess that is really only a half and item for a box, I mean, yes I really wanted some answers, and in the end, did it really matter? Yah, it hurt. Yah, I didn't understand. And, it's me, suck it up and move on. I see Tami this week, first time since that last session where all that happened. I am curious how it will go. I am sure she has long forgotten it all. This will be good. See, perfect example.
Do I do it with Chris? Yes. Does she realize it? Oh I am so sure she does when I do in session. I am sure that every time I shut down and say, "yah, you're right" she knows that I actually believe she is right, and I had a lot more to say on the subject. All those thoughts, questions, and such go in a box to be put on a shelf in the closet. Might even get a label "you had your chance to talk about this."
So, I clean out the big box dragged in. Pack things up, put them on the shelves, lock up the closet. Maybe this next year I won't create so many things to go in there. Maybe I won't be as scared to talk, or follow up, or just right out ask. Maybe I will value my own opinion a little more.
Maybe there will be less boxes come the end of 2019.