Just rollin' with it
Yes, I took a night off. It happens. It will happen again, many times I am sure. Today was Tami and then later in the afternoon, Mel. You see, we set things up that way now since I have this bad habit of seeing Tami, getting triggered, then going and doing something stupid later in the day or that night. Well, it's not like I go back to her office 4-5 hours later and say, Oh by the way, I'm really screwed up. Ok, I get it, if I were totally honest when I left and didn't just throw that, yah I am fine, out there when I am not, things could be different too. So, as the safety net, we have set it up so I go see Mel later in the afternoon. She told me she can't work with me on my ED if she is worried about me doing something stupid after I leave. So I told her I wouldn't do stupid things anymore. Of course I have said that before. It isn't like I break that on purpose. I don't sit there and go, watch this, this will really upset Tami!!! Actually, I am not even sure what would upset her. As scared to death as I was to say that I self-injured, when I got to that point, the reply was, "well, you didn't kill yourself, and I say that is a good thing." I'm sure I just stared at her like a deer in the headlights.
In my mind I am like, will someone just be mad at me and scold me and tell me how horrible I am? And at the same time I am looking for someone to tell me that I am not a bad person and that things are ok, that hey, it happened, it's over, let's move on. Talk about conflict in your head. Mel asked me how long it had been since I had hurt myself to this extreme and I wasn't sure, I told her I thought it had been about a year. She said she wanted me to focus on that and forget everything else. Said now we were working toward another year.
As Chris and I did, Mel and I talked about the negative behavior enforcement from it. We talked about how dangerous it was to feed those associations. She said she had other clients that talk about the same kind of feeling like a great weight has lifted after they engage in self destructive behaviors - which she listed several besides what I had done.
Tami still insists that I make friends. Like, let people into my inner circle, kind of friends. No. Sorry. People hurt you. I have trust issues. Like, serious trust issues. I don't want to go out on my own and make new friends. AND, many of the people I know, I don't want to know them any "closer" than I already do. Oh, don't worry, I can keep coming up with plenty of reasons. I know, sure seems kind of ironic, I was a missionary for 18 months, knocking on strangers doors for up to 8 hours a day, and I won't go meet new people. No, sorry. I have "my people" and they are right where I need for them to be. Sadly, the ones that are more than welcome into my inner circle are the ones that live far from me.
I did run into Cathy from Monday Eddie class at Tami's today. That was cool. Now, there is a possible person. She, Lorna, and I could be a group. That would be a safe group. I don't know, is it wrong not to be out trying to create some big tribe? Do I have to be this big social person with a social circle? Yah, I know, I need to have people outside of my therapy family, but I doing better on calling or contacting Shauna first. I just have to get better at not contacting the family with crisis emails over breaks. I think I got it with Tami, our short email snapping at each other a while back took care of that one. I'm very...what's the word...conscious? aware? mindful? of the content that goes into emails that deal with therapy. It isn't anything she did, I drew a boundary line.
I shouldn't have to have this centrally located group of people anyways, cause I'm getting a puppy. Yup, I really am. Picking her up on Saturday. Wasn't going to say anything cause I am not sure I am ready to go to that place in my writing here. This is kind of my, things I can't really say to anyone in the real world, place. Although, at some point I might give Chris the URL, just because if she chooses to read it maybe she can find something in my head to help me. Anyways, I am getting a new pup. Been thinking about it a lot and of course it just can't seem to stay out of my dreams.
The other night as I hurt myself, I was just like, I can't do this alone anymore. I was just finished, like completely out of fuel. So alone, so lonely, so just...in desolation. Deep breath and prayer was exhausted, I was exhausted. And afterwords, I decided it was just time, didn't know how I was going to do it, and it was time. And with $25 in my bank account, somehow I was going to purchase stuff to build a fence and find money to adopt a dog.
So far Heavenly Father has provided, right down to choosing the dog. He has allowed me the financial help to get materials for the fence without going into debt, and as of tonight I have enough to cover the adoption fees. Haven't managed to figure out food yet, and I know it all will work out I pick her up Saturday afternoon. In the meantime, it is puppy proofing the house. I haven't had a puppy since Ali. Ali was born in 1997 - you do the math. She is a cute little monster though. I think it will all be ok.
And that is about it, just rollin' with it.
In my mind I am like, will someone just be mad at me and scold me and tell me how horrible I am? And at the same time I am looking for someone to tell me that I am not a bad person and that things are ok, that hey, it happened, it's over, let's move on. Talk about conflict in your head. Mel asked me how long it had been since I had hurt myself to this extreme and I wasn't sure, I told her I thought it had been about a year. She said she wanted me to focus on that and forget everything else. Said now we were working toward another year.
As Chris and I did, Mel and I talked about the negative behavior enforcement from it. We talked about how dangerous it was to feed those associations. She said she had other clients that talk about the same kind of feeling like a great weight has lifted after they engage in self destructive behaviors - which she listed several besides what I had done.
Tami still insists that I make friends. Like, let people into my inner circle, kind of friends. No. Sorry. People hurt you. I have trust issues. Like, serious trust issues. I don't want to go out on my own and make new friends. AND, many of the people I know, I don't want to know them any "closer" than I already do. Oh, don't worry, I can keep coming up with plenty of reasons. I know, sure seems kind of ironic, I was a missionary for 18 months, knocking on strangers doors for up to 8 hours a day, and I won't go meet new people. No, sorry. I have "my people" and they are right where I need for them to be. Sadly, the ones that are more than welcome into my inner circle are the ones that live far from me.
I did run into Cathy from Monday Eddie class at Tami's today. That was cool. Now, there is a possible person. She, Lorna, and I could be a group. That would be a safe group. I don't know, is it wrong not to be out trying to create some big tribe? Do I have to be this big social person with a social circle? Yah, I know, I need to have people outside of my therapy family, but I doing better on calling or contacting Shauna first. I just have to get better at not contacting the family with crisis emails over breaks. I think I got it with Tami, our short email snapping at each other a while back took care of that one. I'm very...what's the word...conscious? aware? mindful? of the content that goes into emails that deal with therapy. It isn't anything she did, I drew a boundary line.
I shouldn't have to have this centrally located group of people anyways, cause I'm getting a puppy. Yup, I really am. Picking her up on Saturday. Wasn't going to say anything cause I am not sure I am ready to go to that place in my writing here. This is kind of my, things I can't really say to anyone in the real world, place. Although, at some point I might give Chris the URL, just because if she chooses to read it maybe she can find something in my head to help me. Anyways, I am getting a new pup. Been thinking about it a lot and of course it just can't seem to stay out of my dreams.
The other night as I hurt myself, I was just like, I can't do this alone anymore. I was just finished, like completely out of fuel. So alone, so lonely, so just...in desolation. Deep breath and prayer was exhausted, I was exhausted. And afterwords, I decided it was just time, didn't know how I was going to do it, and it was time. And with $25 in my bank account, somehow I was going to purchase stuff to build a fence and find money to adopt a dog.
So far Heavenly Father has provided, right down to choosing the dog. He has allowed me the financial help to get materials for the fence without going into debt, and as of tonight I have enough to cover the adoption fees. Haven't managed to figure out food yet, and I know it all will work out I pick her up Saturday afternoon. In the meantime, it is puppy proofing the house. I haven't had a puppy since Ali. Ali was born in 1997 - you do the math. She is a cute little monster though. I think it will all be ok.
And that is about it, just rollin' with it.