Deep Breath and Prayer

Growing up I always had this dream of owning a house on a lake. Never had too much idea what the house itself would be like, maybe a log cabin or something like that. What I did have in mind was the deck that would be off the back of it. You would be able to go out and sit on the it and look out onto the lake as if the water had no end. It would sit close enough to the edge water that you felt you were sitting right out on the lake itself. It would face to the west so you were able to watch the sun set and disappear into the horizon as many nights as you wished. It would be built of the sturdiest of wood - maybe a light stained teak, but not cheap cuts or that plastic-wood-looking stuff. No, this deck would hold you and surround you and always make you feel secure. Of course there would have to be a dock extending from it, I mean if you are going to live on a lake and have a great deck you have to be able to fish off of it. It would be a place of escape and peacefulness. No matter what...

I spent some time on Google searching "healthy" (in association with what I have been learning in class) and what I found was healthy choices, healthy decisions, healthy thoughts, healthy living, healthy boundaries, and many more healthy [enter noun here], yet I never seemed to find a definition of what is meant by "healthy" itself in this context. Of course when you look up the definition of healthy, you may be overwhelmed to find out that it simply means, "of good health." Yes, this helps tremendously. And just to take another step, the definition of health is, "the state of being free from illness or injury." Well, that gets us a little closer. Therefore, my deductive reasoning skills (oh my college professors would be so proud of me) are going to conclude that "healthy" as in the example of "healthy reaction" would define as "choosing a reaction that does not cause illness or injury." Next search, this time for ...

Growing up we spent a lot of time at my grandparent's house. It was like a second home. So many warm and comforting memories from those days. My grandmother did puzzles and as long as there was not a holiday dinner coming up, there was always one in progress on the dining room table. These were not the easy 100 piece puzzles, they were the 500-1000 pieces. If we were good and would "be careful" my brother and I were allowed to go in and work on the puzzle. I remember many hours sitting there placing pieces. What a joy it was to place the final piece. I often wonder if grandma just left those last few pieces just for us kids to do. Even after grandpa passed and she moved to a small apartment, there was always a puzzle in progress. I still have a love for puzzles. When I was having my neurological problems, I was always looking for ways to stay ahead of the effects it had on me. My hands continually shook  and many days my motor skills were impaired at a level where I strug...

Class is moving along quickly. Its not easy. You have to want to change, want to better yourself. Every week in class (and through the week when practicing) over and over again you are faced with the choice to change. Of course that choice is completely yours. As I have said before, I am loving it. Even in its difficulty, there is power in realizing a behavior is hurting you, owing up to it, telling yourself it can no longer be an option, then letting it go. The beauty of what we are learning in class is that there are so many healthy things available to fill the void. It is like throwing out the old ratty sheet and getting a big warm comforter in its place. And it's not just "a" comforter it's reversible, microfiber, and machine washable! There might even be matching pillow cases. One thing I am learning is that if I can just trust and let go of the bad, there is generally a whole abundance of good waiting in its place. So, I've been filling the emotional dumpst...

Have you ever been trying to fix something that is broken and each time you think you have got it, you find another crack, break, or defect. You dab on more glue or add more tape. You might add something to support it until it dries. A few years ago a friend mailed me a handmade bell of decent size that she had made and fired. She had sent me photos and I was so exited to have a piece of her art. Sadly, despite all the "fragile" stickers on the box, bubble wrap in the box, and stuffing in the bell, it did not arrive in one piece. My heart sank. I took the bell and began to put the pieces back together, dry-fitting them so I would be sure I had each piece in the correct place as to show the amazing design etched in the pottery. I researched the best solution to adhere the pieces back together. I glued the pieces together gently as not to cause more damage. I placed masking tape across the sections to hold the shape and support, then I let it sit and cure. I had done all I coul...

Patience is essential to true healing. I wonder if that is a quote somewhere. It should be. It has been a few good days. I am exhausted and it is that "good" exhaustion - the kind that comes because you spent time around positive people and laughed until your belly hurt. These are the days to treasure. These are the moments you get that glimpse of how far you have come. For a brief second you hold the light at the end of the tunnel in your hand before you blink and remember you still have a ways to go to keep it there. Today, I am happy yet I also am realistic. Celebrations of progress are accompanied by the reminder that the "high" is only a moment in the journey. No, not a judgement, but a point of realism. The wins are energizing. To stand again with strength and power from within has been a long time coming. It will continue, there is more learning to go and more wounds to heal. I must also remember that I have many more years to live and must be thoughtful of a...

Thanksgiving is this next week and that means a lot of time for reflection. I see a few of these being written. I truly think if I started listing all that I was thankful for I would still be writing this come Thanksgiving 2014. Be not afraid, the joint pain in my hands lately makes for a challenge to type the long posts I already do, they would never last much longer! There are many things I am truly grateful for this year that in the past I could never bring myself to verbalize. I'm not going to say I was in denial over things as I acknowledged their existence, I would say - from my current learning opportunities - that is was pretty much willfulness over willingness. I can own it - when life sucks you are not jumping up and down to exclaim that you are thankful for it. And this year, for the first time in a very long time (possibly for the first time), I am thankful for life. Sure, there are still days that suck. There are days that I just wish I could crawl back under the cover...