Deep Breath and Prayer

What does it feel like? Can you tell it's coming on? Are there warning signs? Years ago when the anxiety was bad, I used to get asked these questions all the time. I didn't really have answers for them as I did not really understand the concept of being aware and having some idea of what to watch and feel for. Yes, there were clues, yet they were generally noticed when it was already too late. These past few days have about done me in. Whatever the eternal cause, I am weary and I am tired. My muscles are fatigued and my mind is exhausted. Blessed be the medication these past two days. It has quieted the anxiety down to where I can rest, I can sleep. I don't wake up shaking and trembling. The down side is, that the dose it takes to achieve that is a dose that keeps me from driving and being out and about. Most defiantly a "take only at night before not doing anything else" dosage. I have tried cutting it in half in hopes I could at least drive and be functional. Ya...

135. 135. 135. Why does that keep going through my head? Today the anxiety has the upper hand. I was not even fully awake when it set in this morning. I laid there for a round of the snooze on the alarm, then scooted to the end of the bed and sat there and just closed my eyes and breathed for a bit. It did not go too far. I figured it was just linked to having my annual review today and it would get better after the meeting. I said my humble little prayer and got up. Got through my meeting and waited for the anxiety to go away and yet it stayed. It would get quieter then louder, and it has not left yet. I've gone through the list - breathe, go outside and get air, distract, check my PLEASE MASTER, and more. When it calms, I give thanks. As if playing peek-a-boo, it shows back up unannounced. I stop for a moment, think about what I am doing, where I am, what am I thinking. Did I trigger it? Is there a pattern? None I can find. It's playing with me. We're up to 10 hours now. ...

"And what would you like for me to do about it?" Now, this line could be a positive thing if said in a way that you are trying to get the person to critically think about things and come up with some options instead  of just giving an answer. Yet, I don't think I ever remember that being the point. "I'm in trouble (as in distress) and I am scared." Cue above comment as reply. In the last 20 or so years, I can remember feeling I was in situations where I wasn't sure how I got there or how to get out of them and I was scared, as I felt I needed help. My plea for help came worded in various ways. You see, when you realize one way of asking doesn't work, you try another. All you want is help, and there has to be a right combination of words to get that. It is like picking a combination lock, if you try enough, you are bound to find the right order, the right words. You learn quickly though, don't be a bother. If I am in trouble and scared, then that ...

I have written a couple different posts to which I went back and deleted. There are just some thoughts and feelings I do not need to be putting on paper. Thank you Pinterest for writing my post today.

I was never allowed to have play-doh when growing up - at least not at home. I was, however, allowed to have it at my Grandma Blew's house. I would sit at the kitchen table for hours playing with it, making shapes, houses, fish, and whatever things came into my mind. Far from an artist, what I saw it representing and what it looked like in reality were generally two very different things. Sometimes, when Grandma made pies, instead of the play-doh, I got the leftover scraps of dough to roll, shape, and create. The best part of that....it was edible! A few weeks back, my therapist introduced me to what I have come to accept as the coolest thing since silly putty....kinetic sand. There are number of reasons I place this at the top of the list, yet the easiest way to explain it is simply...it is just flipping cool to play with!!!! Oh yah, then that whole relaxing, distracting, and stuff like that. My pile of sand at home gets a workout almost daily. It is kind of making up for all thos...

I am still good. I am still a good person. It is what I keep telling myself. It seems like my life has become this having to be completely aware of every moment, every choice, every breath, every feeling, every action. There are moments it gets pretty overwhelming. This week I met with the therapist who has a focus in eating issues. You can now add binge eating disorder and anorexia to my "things that will make your mama proud" list. Yup, feel the love. I dropped an email to the rest of my team to let them know how it went and what was said, and then I have just tried to let it sink and make some sense of it. It really hit me yesterday, the reality of it, the danger of it. I went by the store late yesterday afternoon, which is never one of my favorite activities. I just walked up and down the isles telling myself, "you have to eat, just get something you will eat." I walked out with stuff to make beef stew in the crock pot, eggs, bread, milk, pudding mix, and a box ...

Dear God, It's me, yah the one that keeps ducking away from you. Although I understand that you are the Grand Master when it comes to hide and seek, I am going to entertain the idea that I really can hide from you. Humor me. My teammate told me today that you really do want to hear from me, no matter if I am doing good or bad. Since she seems to have a very, very strong relationship with you (and because I know deep down she is right), I am going to give it a shot. As you know, at times I don't speak very well and I lose focus easy. I sometimes lose my words. I hope you are good with me writing, it is a nice place to meet in the middle and avoid a lot of the fear and anxiety. I often wonder what you think of me. Am I meeting your expectations? Am I making you proud? Am I disappointing the heck out of you? Am I doing the things you need me to do? I guess you get these questions from a lot of people. If you can point me in the direction of the "take a number" display, I...