Dear God
Dear God,
It's me, yah the one that keeps ducking away from you. Although I understand that you are the Grand Master when it comes to hide and seek, I am going to entertain the idea that I really can hide from you. Humor me.
My teammate told me today that you really do want to hear from me, no matter if I am doing good or bad. Since she seems to have a very, very strong relationship with you (and because I know deep down she is right), I am going to give it a shot.
As you know, at times I don't speak very well and I lose focus easy. I sometimes lose my words. I hope you are good with me writing, it is a nice place to meet in the middle and avoid a lot of the fear and anxiety.
I often wonder what you think of me. Am I meeting your expectations? Am I making you proud? Am I disappointing the heck out of you? Am I doing the things you need me to do? I guess you get these questions from a lot of people. If you can point me in the direction of the "take a number" display, I will be glad to get in line. Meanwhile, I will just keep helping and loving others as much as I can until I hear differently.
Thank you for watching over my huge family. Yah, you know, my missionaries, athletes, friends, and relatives. They are all my family. I try to do good by them all and take care of them as they need. I still struggle with the letting them take care of me, and yet I am slowly getting better at it. I do love them though. I like to see them smile and laugh. I like to hear of their achievements. I am glad I can be a comfort to them in trials or sadness. I am proud of them all, even when they feel they falter, I am proud of them.
Still struggling on feeling the same about myself. I wish I knew the switch to flip to make all the negativity go away. What seems like something that should be relatively easy, it is very difficult. For someone who has "love one another" figured out with flying colors, it just doesn't make much sense that I can't hold onto the same for myself. Any thoughts on this would be welcomed.
I am always afraid I am continually disappointing you, not due to the way I treat others, yet because I can't seem to get my own life together. You keep giving me all these great opportunities to grow and progress and I just can't seem to follow through to the end.
It was never my plan to end up with addictions and disorders. I really don't get up each morning and write an agenda of how I can destroy myself during the day. I hesitate to say I am doing the best I can as I know there is always room for improvement. Sometimes I just hope that the continued good I do for others will help balance out the not-so-good I seem to do with myself. Please don't take that as I only do good for others as if to redeem myself or something like that. I serve others because I find great joy in it. If you told me today I was doomed for hell, I would still serve as I do now. I love to serve and I am thankful for all the opportunities that you give me to do so.
You graciously give me a glimpse from time to time of who I really am. I sure wish I knew how to hold onto that. I wish I knew how to believe it so deeply that nothing could shake it. I so quickly fall into "that is who I was, not who I am now." Your great warrior is not much more than a wander with broken armor who has lost their way. I'm very thankful for the ones you keep sending to show me some different paths to choose from. I do still wonder, when I get it figured out and get healthy, will you take them all away too? Why does getting better have to come with such a price? I am still going to keep working at it, and fighting for it, yet it doesn't mean I have to like that part of the end product.
I thank you that I can make it through each day. Even when it gets bad, I can still make it. Even I come out damaged, I still made it. I appreciate that I have times where all the struggles are kind of on the back burner and I can enjoy life. I can, for even a moment, be at peace. It is ok, though, I know it is only temporary, and yet, thank you for the break.
I know I have asked many, many times in the past for your help and you have been more than generous in providing it. I find it very difficult right now to go there. I am ashamed and embarrassed. I've placed myself in some undefinable category labeled "people like me" and isolated myself. I feel I have failed you to a point that no matter how hard I try (or desire to try), there's no getting back this time. It is ok, it is just me, just Christy. It doesn't mean I will quit serving others and working to get healthy.
I guess if you desire that I at least ask for something before I go, I ask for the same thing I asked for this time last year and so many times before that - please help me to not hurt myself. It sometimes gets so dark and I feel so lost and I don't think real straight when I make choices at those points. Sometimes I forget to weigh things out before choosing. Sometimes, I just choose wrong. Most times, I do not realize the damage I am doing to myself physically, emotionally, and/or spiritually until it is too late. I am thinking there are others who might be thankful for your help with this too. As always though, even though this is my request, I only desire it to be by your will.
I think I have gone beyond my allotted time and therefore I will wrap this up. Again, please watch over my big family. They are good and amazing souls and I love each one of them dearly. Please keep them safe. My love to my family and friends that are there with you, and please give Ali a big hug for me.
Blewy
It's me, yah the one that keeps ducking away from you. Although I understand that you are the Grand Master when it comes to hide and seek, I am going to entertain the idea that I really can hide from you. Humor me.
My teammate told me today that you really do want to hear from me, no matter if I am doing good or bad. Since she seems to have a very, very strong relationship with you (and because I know deep down she is right), I am going to give it a shot.
As you know, at times I don't speak very well and I lose focus easy. I sometimes lose my words. I hope you are good with me writing, it is a nice place to meet in the middle and avoid a lot of the fear and anxiety.
I often wonder what you think of me. Am I meeting your expectations? Am I making you proud? Am I disappointing the heck out of you? Am I doing the things you need me to do? I guess you get these questions from a lot of people. If you can point me in the direction of the "take a number" display, I will be glad to get in line. Meanwhile, I will just keep helping and loving others as much as I can until I hear differently.
Thank you for watching over my huge family. Yah, you know, my missionaries, athletes, friends, and relatives. They are all my family. I try to do good by them all and take care of them as they need. I still struggle with the letting them take care of me, and yet I am slowly getting better at it. I do love them though. I like to see them smile and laugh. I like to hear of their achievements. I am glad I can be a comfort to them in trials or sadness. I am proud of them all, even when they feel they falter, I am proud of them.
Still struggling on feeling the same about myself. I wish I knew the switch to flip to make all the negativity go away. What seems like something that should be relatively easy, it is very difficult. For someone who has "love one another" figured out with flying colors, it just doesn't make much sense that I can't hold onto the same for myself. Any thoughts on this would be welcomed.
I am always afraid I am continually disappointing you, not due to the way I treat others, yet because I can't seem to get my own life together. You keep giving me all these great opportunities to grow and progress and I just can't seem to follow through to the end.
It was never my plan to end up with addictions and disorders. I really don't get up each morning and write an agenda of how I can destroy myself during the day. I hesitate to say I am doing the best I can as I know there is always room for improvement. Sometimes I just hope that the continued good I do for others will help balance out the not-so-good I seem to do with myself. Please don't take that as I only do good for others as if to redeem myself or something like that. I serve others because I find great joy in it. If you told me today I was doomed for hell, I would still serve as I do now. I love to serve and I am thankful for all the opportunities that you give me to do so.
You graciously give me a glimpse from time to time of who I really am. I sure wish I knew how to hold onto that. I wish I knew how to believe it so deeply that nothing could shake it. I so quickly fall into "that is who I was, not who I am now." Your great warrior is not much more than a wander with broken armor who has lost their way. I'm very thankful for the ones you keep sending to show me some different paths to choose from. I do still wonder, when I get it figured out and get healthy, will you take them all away too? Why does getting better have to come with such a price? I am still going to keep working at it, and fighting for it, yet it doesn't mean I have to like that part of the end product.
I thank you that I can make it through each day. Even when it gets bad, I can still make it. Even I come out damaged, I still made it. I appreciate that I have times where all the struggles are kind of on the back burner and I can enjoy life. I can, for even a moment, be at peace. It is ok, though, I know it is only temporary, and yet, thank you for the break.
I know I have asked many, many times in the past for your help and you have been more than generous in providing it. I find it very difficult right now to go there. I am ashamed and embarrassed. I've placed myself in some undefinable category labeled "people like me" and isolated myself. I feel I have failed you to a point that no matter how hard I try (or desire to try), there's no getting back this time. It is ok, it is just me, just Christy. It doesn't mean I will quit serving others and working to get healthy.
I guess if you desire that I at least ask for something before I go, I ask for the same thing I asked for this time last year and so many times before that - please help me to not hurt myself. It sometimes gets so dark and I feel so lost and I don't think real straight when I make choices at those points. Sometimes I forget to weigh things out before choosing. Sometimes, I just choose wrong. Most times, I do not realize the damage I am doing to myself physically, emotionally, and/or spiritually until it is too late. I am thinking there are others who might be thankful for your help with this too. As always though, even though this is my request, I only desire it to be by your will.
I think I have gone beyond my allotted time and therefore I will wrap this up. Again, please watch over my big family. They are good and amazing souls and I love each one of them dearly. Please keep them safe. My love to my family and friends that are there with you, and please give Ali a big hug for me.
Blewy