You are still good
I am still good. I am still a good person. It is what I keep telling myself. It seems like my life has become this having to be completely aware of every moment, every choice, every breath, every feeling, every action. There are moments it gets pretty overwhelming.
This week I met with the therapist who has a focus in eating issues. You can now add binge eating disorder and anorexia to my "things that will make your mama proud" list. Yup, feel the love. I dropped an email to the rest of my team to let them know how it went and what was said, and then I have just tried to let it sink and make some sense of it.
It really hit me yesterday, the reality of it, the danger of it. I went by the store late yesterday afternoon, which is never one of my favorite activities. I just walked up and down the isles telling myself, "you have to eat, just get something you will eat." I walked out with stuff to make beef stew in the crock pot, eggs, bread, milk, pudding mix, and a box of Raisin Bran. Realizing at 3:30 I had not eaten lunch yet, I went for the bowl of cereal. Then I tried to just put it all out of my head for a while, it was getting too emotionally overwhelming.
Even more frightening, the power it seems to have over me. Even with knowing I am teetering on that point of no return, I stood late last night in front of the fridge arguing with myself over having to eat. I'd pick something up, then put it back down. Nothing really sounded good to eat and I wasn't hungry. I knew I had to eat though. I struggled with the thought of the bike ride I had done. Did I ride hard enough? How many calories did that burn off? I tell myself that I cannot think that way, that is what keeps getting me in trouble. I try to rationalize the unhealthy thoughts with "but I drank a Gatorade while riding."
I would pull out something, look at it and think "this is too much food" and put it back away. Pissed off, I just exclaimed, "Fine! Then eat another bowl of cereal!" to which I actually replied to myself, "Fine! I will!"
I do not always process things on my own very compassionately [ya think?]. Knowing that the only person I have to blame for being in this position with the eating (or the med issues, or the self-harming issues, ah, hell, everything for that matter) is myself, doesn't make it much easier to pat myself on the back and tell myself it is going to be ok. Honestly, it is more like "what you going to screw up next, Blewy?" Yah, I know, choice. Am I going to choose to beat myself up or choose to be compassionate. Know what, it sucks that I even have to make that choice. It all just friggin sucks! [and, no, I did not say "friggin" when I exclaimed this out loud. I am the daughter and granddaughter or sailors and I have the mouth to support it.]
It's the double standard making its way to the top. At least that is a piece of it I can identify. I know this because I would highly discourage my racer from thinking the same way, although from what she has shared, she too, has been down this similar path.
I think of my missionary, who is finding herself afraid and unsure. She writes me of how this is her problem and doesn't want to bother anyone with it. I find myself telling her to do the one thing I find the hardest - ask for help and don't go through it alone. I don't lie, I tell her I struggle with asking and accepting help and I only watch that result in things being fueled on the negative and unhealthy side. I tell her to learn from my experience and not be afraid to let someone offer her a hand. I encourage her to not struggle alone. I remind her how awesome she is and how she has been a blessing to me. I remind her of her worth and that this is just a moment in time and she will prevail. In the back of my mind I think of how I hope she will listen and take it in and at least try to believe it. I wonder how different things might be for me had someone given me the same advice at 21. Seeing how lost and screwed up I was at 21, it may have made a big difference.
Well, as I look around I realize that things here are not going to get completed on their own. As much as I don't always care for doing that "responsible adult" stuff, at least it is something I have some control over. The hidden blessing here is that the to-do list is long enough today that maybe it can keep my mind off the things I feel I can't control right now (or are far more difficult to control).
I'm not sure what is going to make the "do for yourself" activity today. Honestly, if I can get the laundry folded, I would count that. Nothing says "do something for yourself" like having clean underclothes.
I am still good. I have to be.
This week I met with the therapist who has a focus in eating issues. You can now add binge eating disorder and anorexia to my "things that will make your mama proud" list. Yup, feel the love. I dropped an email to the rest of my team to let them know how it went and what was said, and then I have just tried to let it sink and make some sense of it.
It really hit me yesterday, the reality of it, the danger of it. I went by the store late yesterday afternoon, which is never one of my favorite activities. I just walked up and down the isles telling myself, "you have to eat, just get something you will eat." I walked out with stuff to make beef stew in the crock pot, eggs, bread, milk, pudding mix, and a box of Raisin Bran. Realizing at 3:30 I had not eaten lunch yet, I went for the bowl of cereal. Then I tried to just put it all out of my head for a while, it was getting too emotionally overwhelming.
Even more frightening, the power it seems to have over me. Even with knowing I am teetering on that point of no return, I stood late last night in front of the fridge arguing with myself over having to eat. I'd pick something up, then put it back down. Nothing really sounded good to eat and I wasn't hungry. I knew I had to eat though. I struggled with the thought of the bike ride I had done. Did I ride hard enough? How many calories did that burn off? I tell myself that I cannot think that way, that is what keeps getting me in trouble. I try to rationalize the unhealthy thoughts with "but I drank a Gatorade while riding."
I would pull out something, look at it and think "this is too much food" and put it back away. Pissed off, I just exclaimed, "Fine! Then eat another bowl of cereal!" to which I actually replied to myself, "Fine! I will!"
I do not always process things on my own very compassionately [ya think?]. Knowing that the only person I have to blame for being in this position with the eating (or the med issues, or the self-harming issues, ah, hell, everything for that matter) is myself, doesn't make it much easier to pat myself on the back and tell myself it is going to be ok. Honestly, it is more like "what you going to screw up next, Blewy?" Yah, I know, choice. Am I going to choose to beat myself up or choose to be compassionate. Know what, it sucks that I even have to make that choice. It all just friggin sucks! [and, no, I did not say "friggin" when I exclaimed this out loud. I am the daughter and granddaughter or sailors and I have the mouth to support it.]
It's the double standard making its way to the top. At least that is a piece of it I can identify. I know this because I would highly discourage my racer from thinking the same way, although from what she has shared, she too, has been down this similar path.
I think of my missionary, who is finding herself afraid and unsure. She writes me of how this is her problem and doesn't want to bother anyone with it. I find myself telling her to do the one thing I find the hardest - ask for help and don't go through it alone. I don't lie, I tell her I struggle with asking and accepting help and I only watch that result in things being fueled on the negative and unhealthy side. I tell her to learn from my experience and not be afraid to let someone offer her a hand. I encourage her to not struggle alone. I remind her how awesome she is and how she has been a blessing to me. I remind her of her worth and that this is just a moment in time and she will prevail. In the back of my mind I think of how I hope she will listen and take it in and at least try to believe it. I wonder how different things might be for me had someone given me the same advice at 21. Seeing how lost and screwed up I was at 21, it may have made a big difference.
Well, as I look around I realize that things here are not going to get completed on their own. As much as I don't always care for doing that "responsible adult" stuff, at least it is something I have some control over. The hidden blessing here is that the to-do list is long enough today that maybe it can keep my mind off the things I feel I can't control right now (or are far more difficult to control).
I'm not sure what is going to make the "do for yourself" activity today. Honestly, if I can get the laundry folded, I would count that. Nothing says "do something for yourself" like having clean underclothes.
I am still good. I have to be.