I see
I am 12 years older than my sister. I remember I would come home from school and she would be sleeping soundly. I so wanted to wake her up and play and yet was always told to let her sleep or she would be cranky. I was 12, that was my new baby sister, how well do you think I listened? It did not take too many times for me to learn, when the baby is sleeping....let her sleep.
Earlier this evening something happened. I am almost hesitant to even speak about it as I am afraid I might jinx things and "wake the baby" from her nap. In the midst of all these recent emotional events, I finally felt some peace. It wasn't was of those lightening bolt moments, rather I was just sitting there and suddenly realized the darkness (yes, this is my new term for it) was gone. After a momentary "well, hey, would you look at that" thought, I noticed that there was a sense that everything was going to be ok. I was ok, I was going to be ok, it was ok. It wasn't my "whatever" things are going to be ok, this was the one I have been hoping for. I have been blessed to enjoy it now for about 5 hours or so. I am realistic that it can go as easy as it came, yet I am going for enjoying this moment, not a future one.
I wish I could say that the anxiety disappeared as well, yet not the case. It is still hanging around and running its ebb and flow through my system. I still jump, twitch, and shake as good as I did, yet there is one difference - the distress and fear. For the moment, they are not here. Instead of getting angry and frustrated though, I'm just acknowledging it and, since I am home, letting it just run its course - kind of like letting a hyper kid run off their energy. No one is getting hurt by that choice and actually, it is a little less exhausting. It takes a lot of energy to hold it all back sometimes, more than if I just let it make an appearance and ride it out. Now, letting it run free doesn't make typing real easy, yet I am pretty good at multitasking.
How can I try to explain what it feels like. Ah! Ever shaken up a bottle of soda then you try to open it really slow? You twist the cap and the pressure inside starts to try and escape of the bottle. You think if you do it slow enough, you can keep it from making a mess. You quickly twist it back shut, yet the reaction has already happened. You keep unscrewing the cap just a tiny bit, letting a little pressure out at a time. Just when you think you have it, you take the lid completely off only to have soda overflow the bottle.
That is a good way to describe how the anxiety feels with me. There is a feeling that happens, kind of like a head-rush, yet it is more in my core. It starts building on itself, and I can feel the physical effects starting to kick in - my hands and feet start to tingle, my breathing gets shallower. My hand might start to shake. This would be the screw the cap back on quickly moment.
My ultimate goal is to catch it here and try to calm it down. Sometimes I will start telling myself (out loud if I can, in my mind if I am around others) "Shhhh...quiet" as if trying to coax the baby back to sleep. Other times I will call out my name as there is also a sense of detachment (I think this is the right word) and it is like I have to snap myself out of the moment.
At times this works and all is good. Of course, it is not a one time thing. It usually takes a few times of going through the motions to come out on top of things. Other times my body refuses to listen to me and the war is on. This is when I have to decide if I am going to try and fight it or let it run its course. I almost always fight it, as I often forget I can let it do its thing. I fight it, I get through it, and then I am physically exhausted on top of the mental.
Remember before the world of cable when you would be watching a show on some UHF channel and another program would "ghost" through? I remember being totally amazed by this as a kid and could not understand why the adults found it annoying. Inevitably, either my brother or I would run up to the TV and exclaim "they're here!" Yes, that warped sense of humor has been around for a very long time.
A lot of the time, with the anxiety, it kind of feels like that in my mind. I have been asked often in session lately as I have been fighting with the anxiety what I am feeling, thinking, or what is going through my mind. The thing is, there usually aren't "words", it is more like images. It is like you see what is real, where you are, what is surrounding you, and your mind is "ghosting" images over it.
It's not hallucinating (been there, done that, don't care to do it again). You know when you day dream, you almost see a whole different place? You may have your eyes open and be conscious, yet you are visualizing and hearing the sounds of somewhere different than the reality you are in. You are not even really aware of your surroundings because your mind has taken you to a different place. Then you snap out of it, return to the real world and go on. So, imagine that daydreaming world except you are still aware of reality too. So, I find it difficult to "think out loud" many times (whether it is during anxiety or another scenario) because I am not having thoughts, I am seeing images. I guess the more appropriate question would be, "what are you seeing?" or "what are you hearing?"
I've been called on shaking my head no at times too. I guess I didn't realize just how much I do this. I have done it a few times this evening too and so I caught myself and tried to figure out what I was doing. It is not so much a gesture of not agreeing with something said (as I realize I do it when I am alone too), yet it is connected to those things I am seeing. You might say it is the physical representation of my my mind telling the images to go away. In my mind, it is usually seeing them and thinking, "no, no, no, no". It would seem that I shake my head as well. Let's call it the etch-a-sketch trick....shake to erase.
I can't say I have ever talked about it before, nor written it, not even in my journals. You know, there are stigmas attached to stuff like this. I am not sure (up to this point) I could actually say "I don't have thoughts, I see images, I hear things" as that doesn't seem normal and, although I enjoy adding things to my "I am unique" column, I would also like to avoid being committed.
There is that fear of the unknown in there too. Just as I have asked in regards to many other things, is it ok to "see" over "think" when my mind starts wandering? How bad is it that I sometimes hear someone scream my name (or other things)? Does that mean something is wrong with me? Am I defective? It really doesn't matter the answers, I guess, as it isn't like I can snap my fingers and make it change. It is how I am. It is the way it has been for as long as I can remember. Just as I made unhealthy choices to slow down and shut down my mind, it was also to make the visuals stop.
Now, whether it is a product of past experiences, it is what it is. I see and I hear. There are times this actually works to my advantage, especially when I am creating. I can actually see the end product I am after and thus it helps to develop the steps to get there. This is a key part of that trick of mine when I "sort" things and try to find the the piece I am looking for. I am sorting pictures in my mind, not thoughts. The down side to it is, I sometimes see some very horrible things too. Those nightmares I have? There are times I see those (or parts of) when I am wide awake too. I sometimes see things that have happened to me. It is nothing to be doing some daily task and, like someone flashing a camera in your face, I am at that cash register being yelled at, or I am back in that house about to get pinned against a wall. All while still being aware of what is going on around me.
I don't know how I have gotten so lucky to have some peace tonight. Maybe it is so I could calmly sit down and write the things I have tonight. As I was talking to Joe about things earlier tonight he told me, do what I have to do, face what I have to face, don't be afraid, and get through things so I can move on with my life. Although I don't think he really understands how hard that is sometimes, I know he means well and just wants me to do what I can so I am around for many more years. It is appreciated.
Earlier this evening something happened. I am almost hesitant to even speak about it as I am afraid I might jinx things and "wake the baby" from her nap. In the midst of all these recent emotional events, I finally felt some peace. It wasn't was of those lightening bolt moments, rather I was just sitting there and suddenly realized the darkness (yes, this is my new term for it) was gone. After a momentary "well, hey, would you look at that" thought, I noticed that there was a sense that everything was going to be ok. I was ok, I was going to be ok, it was ok. It wasn't my "whatever" things are going to be ok, this was the one I have been hoping for. I have been blessed to enjoy it now for about 5 hours or so. I am realistic that it can go as easy as it came, yet I am going for enjoying this moment, not a future one.
I wish I could say that the anxiety disappeared as well, yet not the case. It is still hanging around and running its ebb and flow through my system. I still jump, twitch, and shake as good as I did, yet there is one difference - the distress and fear. For the moment, they are not here. Instead of getting angry and frustrated though, I'm just acknowledging it and, since I am home, letting it just run its course - kind of like letting a hyper kid run off their energy. No one is getting hurt by that choice and actually, it is a little less exhausting. It takes a lot of energy to hold it all back sometimes, more than if I just let it make an appearance and ride it out. Now, letting it run free doesn't make typing real easy, yet I am pretty good at multitasking.
How can I try to explain what it feels like. Ah! Ever shaken up a bottle of soda then you try to open it really slow? You twist the cap and the pressure inside starts to try and escape of the bottle. You think if you do it slow enough, you can keep it from making a mess. You quickly twist it back shut, yet the reaction has already happened. You keep unscrewing the cap just a tiny bit, letting a little pressure out at a time. Just when you think you have it, you take the lid completely off only to have soda overflow the bottle.
That is a good way to describe how the anxiety feels with me. There is a feeling that happens, kind of like a head-rush, yet it is more in my core. It starts building on itself, and I can feel the physical effects starting to kick in - my hands and feet start to tingle, my breathing gets shallower. My hand might start to shake. This would be the screw the cap back on quickly moment.
My ultimate goal is to catch it here and try to calm it down. Sometimes I will start telling myself (out loud if I can, in my mind if I am around others) "Shhhh...quiet" as if trying to coax the baby back to sleep. Other times I will call out my name as there is also a sense of detachment (I think this is the right word) and it is like I have to snap myself out of the moment.
At times this works and all is good. Of course, it is not a one time thing. It usually takes a few times of going through the motions to come out on top of things. Other times my body refuses to listen to me and the war is on. This is when I have to decide if I am going to try and fight it or let it run its course. I almost always fight it, as I often forget I can let it do its thing. I fight it, I get through it, and then I am physically exhausted on top of the mental.
Remember before the world of cable when you would be watching a show on some UHF channel and another program would "ghost" through? I remember being totally amazed by this as a kid and could not understand why the adults found it annoying. Inevitably, either my brother or I would run up to the TV and exclaim "they're here!" Yes, that warped sense of humor has been around for a very long time.
A lot of the time, with the anxiety, it kind of feels like that in my mind. I have been asked often in session lately as I have been fighting with the anxiety what I am feeling, thinking, or what is going through my mind. The thing is, there usually aren't "words", it is more like images. It is like you see what is real, where you are, what is surrounding you, and your mind is "ghosting" images over it.
It's not hallucinating (been there, done that, don't care to do it again). You know when you day dream, you almost see a whole different place? You may have your eyes open and be conscious, yet you are visualizing and hearing the sounds of somewhere different than the reality you are in. You are not even really aware of your surroundings because your mind has taken you to a different place. Then you snap out of it, return to the real world and go on. So, imagine that daydreaming world except you are still aware of reality too. So, I find it difficult to "think out loud" many times (whether it is during anxiety or another scenario) because I am not having thoughts, I am seeing images. I guess the more appropriate question would be, "what are you seeing?" or "what are you hearing?"
I've been called on shaking my head no at times too. I guess I didn't realize just how much I do this. I have done it a few times this evening too and so I caught myself and tried to figure out what I was doing. It is not so much a gesture of not agreeing with something said (as I realize I do it when I am alone too), yet it is connected to those things I am seeing. You might say it is the physical representation of my my mind telling the images to go away. In my mind, it is usually seeing them and thinking, "no, no, no, no". It would seem that I shake my head as well. Let's call it the etch-a-sketch trick....shake to erase.
I can't say I have ever talked about it before, nor written it, not even in my journals. You know, there are stigmas attached to stuff like this. I am not sure (up to this point) I could actually say "I don't have thoughts, I see images, I hear things" as that doesn't seem normal and, although I enjoy adding things to my "I am unique" column, I would also like to avoid being committed.
There is that fear of the unknown in there too. Just as I have asked in regards to many other things, is it ok to "see" over "think" when my mind starts wandering? How bad is it that I sometimes hear someone scream my name (or other things)? Does that mean something is wrong with me? Am I defective? It really doesn't matter the answers, I guess, as it isn't like I can snap my fingers and make it change. It is how I am. It is the way it has been for as long as I can remember. Just as I made unhealthy choices to slow down and shut down my mind, it was also to make the visuals stop.
Now, whether it is a product of past experiences, it is what it is. I see and I hear. There are times this actually works to my advantage, especially when I am creating. I can actually see the end product I am after and thus it helps to develop the steps to get there. This is a key part of that trick of mine when I "sort" things and try to find the the piece I am looking for. I am sorting pictures in my mind, not thoughts. The down side to it is, I sometimes see some very horrible things too. Those nightmares I have? There are times I see those (or parts of) when I am wide awake too. I sometimes see things that have happened to me. It is nothing to be doing some daily task and, like someone flashing a camera in your face, I am at that cash register being yelled at, or I am back in that house about to get pinned against a wall. All while still being aware of what is going on around me.
I don't know how I have gotten so lucky to have some peace tonight. Maybe it is so I could calmly sit down and write the things I have tonight. As I was talking to Joe about things earlier tonight he told me, do what I have to do, face what I have to face, don't be afraid, and get through things so I can move on with my life. Although I don't think he really understands how hard that is sometimes, I know he means well and just wants me to do what I can so I am around for many more years. It is appreciated.