Cry for help
I have written about the negative and cruel thoughts that can come through my mind at times. I have written about how I desire to hurt myself for reasons including quieting the emotional rush that has gone into overdrive. I have written about the desires that come about when there is distress, almost a cause and effect relationship.
Sometimes the thoughts come when things are calm and I am quiet.
Why would I go writing about all this again? About five minutes ago I looked over and out the front door. With the nice evening, both the door and screen door are open to let in the breeze. I can sit here on my couch, look right out on my porch and see my yard that really needs mowed. I can see my flag moving in the breeze. I notice that my keys are still in the lock - I do that a lot. Sometimes I even forget and shut and lock the door at night and the keys are still in it.
I just sat here looking at it all. Then the thought shows up, "you could die tonight." It is a thought that randomly happens from time to time. It's not the promotion of life is not forever and my time could be up and I could die tonight, it is a statement that includes an "understood you" that finishes the phrase with "by your own hand."
It always catches me a little off guard as I am not usually in any distress. The anxiety is usually low. There really is not an immediate rush of replacing an emotional pain with a physical act. Now one might say that there is nothing really to worry about, it is just a thought. Thoughts come and go and it is what we do with them. Acknowledge it showed up, let it go, move onto what is on television for the night.
Things that appear simple, may not really be. Since I was talking about distress tolerance earlier, let's borrow the pink elephant. Don't think about the pink elephant. Think about anything except the pink elephant. And we all know what we are thinking about. So, if you don't want the pink elephant to stomp through your mind unexpectedly, don't be researching pink elephants on the internet. Even if you think that reading and researching pink elephants will help you be able to not think about them when you want to, it doesn't work. And no matter how you change the search terms, a pink elephant is still a pink elephant.
Through the years I have done a lot of research on suicide, suicidal thoughts, suicidal tendencies. Somewhere I always think that if I can know more about it, it will in turn keep me safer. You know, build up the warning system. Sometimes it is a search to validate feelings and emotions to answer questions such as "am I bad enough to ask for help."
Now, I am not out there reading up on "how to commit suicide in one easy step" as I don't need the internet to give me how-to information, got that covered. Have for 30 years. It usually starts out with a simple search based on something I have thought, been told, or am feeling. The search starts digging deeper and deeper into links and pages and the pink elephant sneaks in from behind, getting closer and closer and I don't even realize it.
After the wonderful "if you have nothing else on your planner for tonight, how about knocking yourself off" thought came to mind, I realized what I had been doing for the past hour or so. Chewing on a comment that was made to me in my doctor appointment the other day, I had started searching "cry for help." Not sure just what I was looking for, was just looking. What really constituted a "cry for help"? How do people react to it, how should they react to it, is it legit or just an attention seeking behavior. It is something that is planned or just happens.
If you are doing random searches, they sometimes take a route that you had not planned, yet you see the link, something draws you in, and you click on it. Here is where the first part of my path took me for a while on this internet adventure:
I stop, taking a moment to gaze outside while it all calculates and compounds. The thoughts happen quickly and possibly simultaneously. I think back to my doc visit. I think about what was said. I think about how I felt I was doing good when I got there (aside from the anxiety issues) and left feeling like I had been a complete failure with my choices. I know that is two appointments in a row now that have been showcasing anything but good decisions.
In there, I am mentally reminded that today was the last thing on my schedule that was a "have to be there" event. The remainder of the summer contains no plans where my lack of presence will be a factor and in that moment the thought comes out to the forefront - there is a way to guarantee you won't disappoint anyone ever again.
I think about sessions lately and my mind starts filling in thoughts and feelings that even though I know (or hope) aren't true, they are plausible. My surety of things becomes shaky. I start asking myself, am I working as hard as I can, am I giving it everything I have. I may feel like I am, yet am I really?
As all those thoughts roll together in a brief moment, and then I get it, "you could die tonight." I should let the thought just pass through, it is only a thought. I don't though, I follow it with a verbal reply, "I could."
Sometimes the thoughts come when things are calm and I am quiet.
I just sat here looking at it all. Then the thought shows up, "you could die tonight." It is a thought that randomly happens from time to time. It's not the promotion of life is not forever and my time could be up and I could die tonight, it is a statement that includes an "understood you" that finishes the phrase with "by your own hand."
It always catches me a little off guard as I am not usually in any distress. The anxiety is usually low. There really is not an immediate rush of replacing an emotional pain with a physical act. Now one might say that there is nothing really to worry about, it is just a thought. Thoughts come and go and it is what we do with them. Acknowledge it showed up, let it go, move onto what is on television for the night.
Things that appear simple, may not really be. Since I was talking about distress tolerance earlier, let's borrow the pink elephant. Don't think about the pink elephant. Think about anything except the pink elephant. And we all know what we are thinking about. So, if you don't want the pink elephant to stomp through your mind unexpectedly, don't be researching pink elephants on the internet. Even if you think that reading and researching pink elephants will help you be able to not think about them when you want to, it doesn't work. And no matter how you change the search terms, a pink elephant is still a pink elephant.
Through the years I have done a lot of research on suicide, suicidal thoughts, suicidal tendencies. Somewhere I always think that if I can know more about it, it will in turn keep me safer. You know, build up the warning system. Sometimes it is a search to validate feelings and emotions to answer questions such as "am I bad enough to ask for help."
Now, I am not out there reading up on "how to commit suicide in one easy step" as I don't need the internet to give me how-to information, got that covered. Have for 30 years. It usually starts out with a simple search based on something I have thought, been told, or am feeling. The search starts digging deeper and deeper into links and pages and the pink elephant sneaks in from behind, getting closer and closer and I don't even realize it.
After the wonderful "if you have nothing else on your planner for tonight, how about knocking yourself off" thought came to mind, I realized what I had been doing for the past hour or so. Chewing on a comment that was made to me in my doctor appointment the other day, I had started searching "cry for help." Not sure just what I was looking for, was just looking. What really constituted a "cry for help"? How do people react to it, how should they react to it, is it legit or just an attention seeking behavior. It is something that is planned or just happens.
If you are doing random searches, they sometimes take a route that you had not planned, yet you see the link, something draws you in, and you click on it. Here is where the first part of my path took me for a while on this internet adventure:
- cry for help - Google Search
- A Cry For Help | Psychology Today
- cry for help suicide - Google Search
- Suicide and suicidal behavior: MedlinePlus Medical Encyclopedia
- Is a Suicide Attempt a Cry for Help? | Speaking of Suicide
- What is a Suicide Gesture? | Speaking of Suicide
- Uncovering Suicidal Thoughts | Speaking of Suicide
I stop, taking a moment to gaze outside while it all calculates and compounds. The thoughts happen quickly and possibly simultaneously. I think back to my doc visit. I think about what was said. I think about how I felt I was doing good when I got there (aside from the anxiety issues) and left feeling like I had been a complete failure with my choices. I know that is two appointments in a row now that have been showcasing anything but good decisions.
In there, I am mentally reminded that today was the last thing on my schedule that was a "have to be there" event. The remainder of the summer contains no plans where my lack of presence will be a factor and in that moment the thought comes out to the forefront - there is a way to guarantee you won't disappoint anyone ever again.
I think about sessions lately and my mind starts filling in thoughts and feelings that even though I know (or hope) aren't true, they are plausible. My surety of things becomes shaky. I start asking myself, am I working as hard as I can, am I giving it everything I have. I may feel like I am, yet am I really?
As all those thoughts roll together in a brief moment, and then I get it, "you could die tonight." I should let the thought just pass through, it is only a thought. I don't though, I follow it with a verbal reply, "I could."