Deep Breath and Prayer

I have to make a confession. All through class last year, I never really understood what was meant by a "coaching call" and I did not ever bother to ask as I didn't want to look like the only one who didn't understand it. A few weeks into class I took the assumption that it meant that if you were struggling, you could call Chris or Karen and they would help you try and see a different way to view things, although in the end whatever you chose to do was your decision. As class went on and the weeks went by, I really was not going to ask at that point because I did not want to be faced with the question, "why didn't you ask sooner" or some form of it. Call it pride or willfulness or whatever, I just played along like I had it figured out. I still don't know what it actually means. There are many times I am afraid to ask what something means. Part of it is my own battle - I should know or be able to figure it out on my own. A lot of the time I am afraid...

This multiple writing in a day seems to have become habit. It is ok, it is allowed. I have these thoughts, realizations, and whatever else I might call them that come to my mind and there really is not anyone that I want to burden with my ramblings. Not burdening? Ah, that is why I watch people's eyes glaze over or they change the subject. Of all the people I know, I can only list a couple that would sit there and listen upon a "I need to think out-loud, will you just listen?" request. Sure, there may be more that would be all "yes, I would be glad to do that" until you start talking and then you read it in their faces - "oh, crap, what have I gotten myself into" and seeing that I do have that skill of reading people quite well, I let them off the hook and stop the process. Ah, so be it. The point is, I can write. I can talk. I can think out-loud. I can do it as much or as little as I like. Although the opportunity for feedback is a little scarce, it w...

Hey, check that out, my vocabulary continues to expand. Once in a while I can pull words up that I am looking for. frag·ment·ed [frag-muhn-tid, -men-, frag-men-] Existing or functioning as though broken into separate parts; disorganized; disunified: a fragmented personality; a fragmented society. If I don't figure out anything else in this journey, maybe I will be able to finally paint a picture of how I feel at times. Today it is fragmented. Not that suddenly I feel this way today, it is that I have been able to find a word to describe how I have felt for a long while. I started to draw this certain picture when I was in middle school and continued sketching it through college. Kind of when you doodle the same thing all the time. It was a fist shattering through things. It was always adapted to something - I "punched" through numbers, walls, bricks, basketballs, just about anything. Sometimes I drew it out of "toughness" (I'm sure had I gotten a tattoo, it ...

I kind of have myself spooked right now. Not sure what's going on in my head except I know there are a lot of negative and self-destructive thoughts. Those kinds that have me here, at work still even though I want to leave, because I am a little scared to get behind the wheel of the car. I don't trust myself. I am not safe. And so here I sit. Pull out the tricks - smile, positive thoughts, walk, distract, sing (although that could get me injured by others), do some office work, go get some air, come back, sit. I have moved this between blog and email several times now and I just don't know where to let it land. I'm not feeling right and since I can't really find the words to express how I am feeling, I am backing myself into the corner and not moving very far. I sit and think, what is this - what is this. I do this to myself. I am not always sure how, yet it is not like someone comes along, points at me, at goes "now you are going to be in distress" and PO...

See, I knew if I trolled the internet long enough, I would find the answer to how I feel. Gee, and to think, I get all worked up and upset trying to figure it out. Who knew. It's Monday. Remember when I loved Mondays?? Missionary mail day!!! Whoo Hoo!!!! Yah. No more. It sucks. Last Sunday writing my last email about ripped my heart out. Getting "WTF?" emails on Monday was even worse. Missionaries have rules...a lot of them, trust me, I remember. Anyways, if someone comes to visit them, there is a line of authority to go through to get permission, especially if it is during "working hours" or if it is going to be taking them out of their area. Simple. Make a phone call, get permission, all taken care of. Well, not all missionaries are obedient and good (and I remember that too from the mission). A couple weeks back a family went down south to visit. There is one missionary who is well known for not keeping the rules and he went and had dinner with them - outside...

I need to take my list out of my wallet and see just what have been my assignments for doing pros/cons. Guess I will be ahead of the game when this part of class rolls around. Not going to pull my lists this morning, for I already have one in mind. Wish I could say I worked on it while I slept last night, yet my mind was pretty numb. This round is the the self-medicating round. So, that would be defined as simply as my taking prescribed medication at a higher dose than directed, mixing medications (prescribed and/or over the counter) at a higher dosage than directed, or any other abuse/misuse of medication.  Pros of self-medicating Slows and quiets down my mind Calms down anxiety and worry Calms addiction fix "need" Uninterrupted sleep No dreams Numbs emotions Get some "relief" without having to bother anyone else Not outwardly injuring myself Cons of self-medicating It is scary to do as there are times when you really contemplate taking more than you know will meet...

Some days I have a lot of emotions and feelings and not the words to express them. So I troll pinterst for things that maybe come close, and other times I open my graphics programs and make my own from pieces I find online.  My mind has been somewhere today, yet I have not been able to pinpoint it. I slept most of the afternoon, that seemed like a good choice. Still feeling turned around and backwards. Would love to ask some of my people who have promised "Blewy time" to cash in this evening, yet it is Saturday night and I know most have plans and are busy with their families. Therefore, I will keep on keeping on. I do that well. I'm craving ice cream. Maybe I will take the consequences and go get some. Yah, that sounds like a good idea. [Update] Yup, went and got ice cream. Well, one of us had ice cream and the other got a few bites. Want to guess who got which??