Wrapping up the day
This multiple writing in a day seems to have become habit. It is ok, it is allowed. I have these thoughts, realizations, and whatever else I might call them that come to my mind and there really is not anyone that I want to burden with my ramblings.
Not burdening? Ah, that is why I watch people's eyes glaze over or they change the subject. Of all the people I know, I can only list a couple that would sit there and listen upon a "I need to think out-loud, will you just listen?" request. Sure, there may be more that would be all "yes, I would be glad to do that" until you start talking and then you read it in their faces - "oh, crap, what have I gotten myself into" and seeing that I do have that skill of reading people quite well, I let them off the hook and stop the process.
Ah, so be it. The point is, I can write. I can talk. I can think out-loud. I can do it as much or as little as I like. Although the opportunity for feedback is a little scarce, it works.
Sometimes I talk about the same things over and over. It is ok, it really is. I do it because I have not figured them out yet. It is like trying to choose what color to paint your walls and you have all these samples. You lay them all out, look at them, look at the wall, look at them, look at the wall again. Not coming to a conclusion, you stack them up and set them aside. You pull them out later and do the same, maybe this time you tape them to the wall, maybe you try for combinations, maybe you think "what about that other one I didn't like" and you probably don't make a choice then either. Eventually you choose a color. Eventually, I figure out what I am thinking about. The thing is, the color doesn't pick itself and the questions don't resolve themselves.
For the most part, I am a creature of habit and I seem to adapt to habits that let me run away quicker than ones that cause me to stand and face things. Again, I shake my head, I didn't used to be that way. My strength was in the challenge. The bigger the challenge, the more excited I was. I seriously used to stand and yell into the open, "bring it on!" Yes, there was a part of that which was probably a little over-ambitious, and still that no-fear attitude got a lot done. I miss that. Just imagine what I could do with that kind of attitude now. Think of the mountains I could move and the lives I could touch. I could do great and marvelous things. I could make a difference. And, even knowing that, I still cower, bow my head, and think, "what has happened to me." The very thought of it scares the hell out of me now.
I'm not that person anymore and at the same time, I am not sure just who I am. I am not even sure how you figure out who you are. What is that even based on? Is that a wise mind thing? I can make a list of "facts" of things - I have an education, I have a job, I own a house and car, I make sufficient income to meet my needs (most of the time), I have siblings, I have a dog. Yet, what do you do on the emotional side? I guess that would be things that could be "questioned" like - I am kind, I am generous, I am not selfish, I share (and, boy, did my sister pinpoint my ability to give until it takes a toll on me or what?), I have a sense of humor, I am compassionate (and yes, this is killing me to write these).
So how do you take that and say who you are? Again, what does that even mean? What is "identity"? Can't I just be Blewy? Yah, Blewy, the person that evolved when Christy couldn't meet everyone's expectations anymore and Chris was all but destroyed emotionally and physically. Blewy - the wise mind result of Chris and Christy. That is who I am. I don't know what that means, yet that is who I am.
There really was a point when I sat down to write this and I am not sure just where it went. It will come back at some point and can be a future post. At the end of the day I am searching. I am searching for answers to questions I know and questions I don't know. I am trying to make peace with myself and with God. I am trying to look toward the next moment and not be so scared that I would rather stay in the darkness than take a chance in the light. I am trying to learn how to live after only knowing how to survive. I am trying.....I am trying.
For now though, it has been a good day. It has not all been easy, and it has been well with me. I stayed one step ahead of the demons and when they got too close, I didn't have to face them alone. My body and mind are tired and ready to rest for another day. I don't know what tomorrow brings and I can't let that frighten me, I am not to the point that it excites me again, which leaves me somewhere in the middle - that place of uncertainty. It will be fine, I will be fine. I will get through it the best I can with the tools I have and if that means buying a new box of crayons, then so be it.
Ah, so be it. The point is, I can write. I can talk. I can think out-loud. I can do it as much or as little as I like. Although the opportunity for feedback is a little scarce, it works.
Sometimes I talk about the same things over and over. It is ok, it really is. I do it because I have not figured them out yet. It is like trying to choose what color to paint your walls and you have all these samples. You lay them all out, look at them, look at the wall, look at them, look at the wall again. Not coming to a conclusion, you stack them up and set them aside. You pull them out later and do the same, maybe this time you tape them to the wall, maybe you try for combinations, maybe you think "what about that other one I didn't like" and you probably don't make a choice then either. Eventually you choose a color. Eventually, I figure out what I am thinking about. The thing is, the color doesn't pick itself and the questions don't resolve themselves.For the most part, I am a creature of habit and I seem to adapt to habits that let me run away quicker than ones that cause me to stand and face things. Again, I shake my head, I didn't used to be that way. My strength was in the challenge. The bigger the challenge, the more excited I was. I seriously used to stand and yell into the open, "bring it on!" Yes, there was a part of that which was probably a little over-ambitious, and still that no-fear attitude got a lot done. I miss that. Just imagine what I could do with that kind of attitude now. Think of the mountains I could move and the lives I could touch. I could do great and marvelous things. I could make a difference. And, even knowing that, I still cower, bow my head, and think, "what has happened to me." The very thought of it scares the hell out of me now.
So how do you take that and say who you are? Again, what does that even mean? What is "identity"? Can't I just be Blewy? Yah, Blewy, the person that evolved when Christy couldn't meet everyone's expectations anymore and Chris was all but destroyed emotionally and physically. Blewy - the wise mind result of Chris and Christy. That is who I am. I don't know what that means, yet that is who I am.
There really was a point when I sat down to write this and I am not sure just where it went. It will come back at some point and can be a future post. At the end of the day I am searching. I am searching for answers to questions I know and questions I don't know. I am trying to make peace with myself and with God. I am trying to look toward the next moment and not be so scared that I would rather stay in the darkness than take a chance in the light. I am trying to learn how to live after only knowing how to survive. I am trying.....I am trying.
For now though, it has been a good day. It has not all been easy, and it has been well with me. I stayed one step ahead of the demons and when they got too close, I didn't have to face them alone. My body and mind are tired and ready to rest for another day. I don't know what tomorrow brings and I can't let that frighten me, I am not to the point that it excites me again, which leaves me somewhere in the middle - that place of uncertainty. It will be fine, I will be fine. I will get through it the best I can with the tools I have and if that means buying a new box of crayons, then so be it.