Simply afriad
I kind of have myself spooked right now. Not sure what's going on in my head except I know there are a lot of negative and self-destructive thoughts. Those kinds that have me here, at work still even though I want to leave, because I am a little scared to get behind the wheel of the car. I don't trust myself. I am not safe.
And so here I sit. Pull out the tricks - smile, positive thoughts, walk, distract, sing (although that could get me injured by others), do some office work, go get some air, come back, sit.
I have moved this between blog and email several times now and I just don't know where to let it land. I'm not feeling right and since I can't really find the words to express how I am feeling, I am backing myself into the corner and not moving very far. I sit and think, what is this - what is this.
I do this to myself. I am not always sure how, yet it is not like someone comes along, points at me, at goes "now you are going to be in distress" and POOF! it happens. As I keep thinking, I may have a clue of what part of this is. This is withdrawals. This is comedown from mixing Ativan and high doses of benydryl for two days. It fits the pattern - uneasiness, paranoia, hypersensitive, unable to focus, feeling like my heart is pounding out of my chest. Score! Way to go Blewy. Of course, then there is the feelings and emotions hanging around that I was avoiding in the first place in there too. Whoo hoo! Fucked up and no one to blame except myself!!! This is not realizing how close to a ledge I am and suddenly going "OH SHIT!" as I about fall over the cliff. Seriously, will someone please just beat the hell out of me??? I apparently can't get it through my head any other way and yet I can hear the words, "why do you need someone else to beat you up when you seem to do such a good job of it yourself?"
I want it all to stop. I am tired. I want the negative thoughts to stop. I want the urges to harm to stop. I want the confusing and conflicting emotions of whether I am good person or not to just stop. I just want the world to stop, just for a moment so I can catch my breath and I know that is not realistic, that is not something that is ever going to happen. I keep trying to make it happen, except there are no healthy ways to make it so. Even the unhealthy ones do not work, they just give a false appearance of so. I'm still messed up. Just when I think I am ahead of things, I am not. So let's throw some guilt and shame in there.
I want to really be able to deal with my emotions and feeling. I want to be in control of them and for them to stop sneaking up and kicking my ass. I want to be able to say "I am not doing this ever again" to a certain behavior, and then actually never do it. I want to trust myself that I can do the right things, the healthy things. I want to get things under control for good, not "once again" and then falsely think I have a grip on it all. If God believes in me so strongly, why can't I believe in myself?
And what the hell is up with the munchies??? Oh yah, withdrawal. It is good I don't have any cash on me, as I am sure I would be hitting the vending machine right now. Doritos. Nacho cheese Doritos with a block of Philly cream cheese to dip them in. And an ice cold Pepsi. Hey, I can talk about it as long as I don't do it. I could do it, then I could add being violently ill to my list of issues.
I need to get myself to the point I can drive home. Then, I just need to take Tess out and then go to bed.....UNMEDICATED and try to sleep the rest of this off. At least if I am asleep I can't harm myself.
Disappointed. There is a feeling/emotion. I am disappointed in myself - which is really nothing new. I willingly make the wrong choice and thus this text gets copied back over to the blog. What right do I have to ask for help when I am aware of the unhealthy choices I am making. If I just had an answer for that "how can I help you" question. Then again, if I had an answer to that, then maybe I could help myself.
"I am ok." No, I am not and I don't have an answer for "what is wrong" or "why not" or "what are you feeling right now." Well, maybe that last one....I feel ashamed and worthless. I feel sad...really sad. Are there levels of sadness? If so, I am going for one of the stronger ones. Yup, someone shaking up the pop can again before it has a chance to settle. Tell you what, I would like to take that damn pop can and throw it again the wall and just friggin destroy it. Um, yah, and thus one of the reasons I am still sitting here and not behind the wheel of the car.
What is my problem? It is like I am missing the point somewhere. There has to be some simple component to all of this that I am overlooking and missing. I am sure whatever it is, it is right in front of me, obvious to everyone. One of those "how can you not see it" kind of things and yet I am missing it even when it is pointed out to me. What ever my problem is, I need to just get over it. Seeing that it is hard to get over something you are having difficulty identifying, it just fires up the destructive cycle. What the hell, throw another round of gas on the fire. Maybe this time it will burn me enough that I get the point.
I have no one to blame except myself. I am in control of my life. I am in control of my decisions. I made the choices to put me where I am right now, therefore it is my responsibility to figure out how to get over it and do not be wasting people's time.
In the meantime, looks like it may be a late night at work. If I hurt myself, fine. If I hurt someone else, that is unforgivable.
And so here I sit. Pull out the tricks - smile, positive thoughts, walk, distract, sing (although that could get me injured by others), do some office work, go get some air, come back, sit.
I have moved this between blog and email several times now and I just don't know where to let it land. I'm not feeling right and since I can't really find the words to express how I am feeling, I am backing myself into the corner and not moving very far. I sit and think, what is this - what is this.
I do this to myself. I am not always sure how, yet it is not like someone comes along, points at me, at goes "now you are going to be in distress" and POOF! it happens. As I keep thinking, I may have a clue of what part of this is. This is withdrawals. This is comedown from mixing Ativan and high doses of benydryl for two days. It fits the pattern - uneasiness, paranoia, hypersensitive, unable to focus, feeling like my heart is pounding out of my chest. Score! Way to go Blewy. Of course, then there is the feelings and emotions hanging around that I was avoiding in the first place in there too. Whoo hoo! Fucked up and no one to blame except myself!!! This is not realizing how close to a ledge I am and suddenly going "OH SHIT!" as I about fall over the cliff. Seriously, will someone please just beat the hell out of me??? I apparently can't get it through my head any other way and yet I can hear the words, "why do you need someone else to beat you up when you seem to do such a good job of it yourself?"
I want it all to stop. I am tired. I want the negative thoughts to stop. I want the urges to harm to stop. I want the confusing and conflicting emotions of whether I am good person or not to just stop. I just want the world to stop, just for a moment so I can catch my breath and I know that is not realistic, that is not something that is ever going to happen. I keep trying to make it happen, except there are no healthy ways to make it so. Even the unhealthy ones do not work, they just give a false appearance of so. I'm still messed up. Just when I think I am ahead of things, I am not. So let's throw some guilt and shame in there.
I want to really be able to deal with my emotions and feeling. I want to be in control of them and for them to stop sneaking up and kicking my ass. I want to be able to say "I am not doing this ever again" to a certain behavior, and then actually never do it. I want to trust myself that I can do the right things, the healthy things. I want to get things under control for good, not "once again" and then falsely think I have a grip on it all. If God believes in me so strongly, why can't I believe in myself?
And what the hell is up with the munchies??? Oh yah, withdrawal. It is good I don't have any cash on me, as I am sure I would be hitting the vending machine right now. Doritos. Nacho cheese Doritos with a block of Philly cream cheese to dip them in. And an ice cold Pepsi. Hey, I can talk about it as long as I don't do it. I could do it, then I could add being violently ill to my list of issues.
I need to get myself to the point I can drive home. Then, I just need to take Tess out and then go to bed.....UNMEDICATED and try to sleep the rest of this off. At least if I am asleep I can't harm myself.
Disappointed. There is a feeling/emotion. I am disappointed in myself - which is really nothing new. I willingly make the wrong choice and thus this text gets copied back over to the blog. What right do I have to ask for help when I am aware of the unhealthy choices I am making. If I just had an answer for that "how can I help you" question. Then again, if I had an answer to that, then maybe I could help myself.
"I am ok." No, I am not and I don't have an answer for "what is wrong" or "why not" or "what are you feeling right now." Well, maybe that last one....I feel ashamed and worthless. I feel sad...really sad. Are there levels of sadness? If so, I am going for one of the stronger ones. Yup, someone shaking up the pop can again before it has a chance to settle. Tell you what, I would like to take that damn pop can and throw it again the wall and just friggin destroy it. Um, yah, and thus one of the reasons I am still sitting here and not behind the wheel of the car.
What is my problem? It is like I am missing the point somewhere. There has to be some simple component to all of this that I am overlooking and missing. I am sure whatever it is, it is right in front of me, obvious to everyone. One of those "how can you not see it" kind of things and yet I am missing it even when it is pointed out to me. What ever my problem is, I need to just get over it. Seeing that it is hard to get over something you are having difficulty identifying, it just fires up the destructive cycle. What the hell, throw another round of gas on the fire. Maybe this time it will burn me enough that I get the point.
I have no one to blame except myself. I am in control of my life. I am in control of my decisions. I made the choices to put me where I am right now, therefore it is my responsibility to figure out how to get over it and do not be wasting people's time.
In the meantime, looks like it may be a late night at work. If I hurt myself, fine. If I hurt someone else, that is unforgivable.