Deep Breath and Prayer

It is getting "loud" again and can you guess how much that has me on edge. I just keep telling myself that all is good, all is ok. It is just noise, it is just sound, it can't hurt me.  I have done pretty well today, I just have to keep hanging in there. I feel so alone, still weary, still afraid. It's been a long day here in the house and there is still the night to go. I have just tried to keep myself busy. I tried to nap earlier, not sure I really did. I close my eyes often and try to visualize someone else with me, their arms around me, just being there. Someone on the park bench with me, or someone at the tree. Someone simply saying, "I know you are scared and that is ok. I know you are still afraid about last night and that makes sense." I was scared last night, I really was. There was a lot to be afraid about through the whole experience. As my sister walked me out to her car, I just looked at her and said, "by the way, I have some problems....

I had to take a moment away from removing the pins from my shoes. It has not been easy and that is just how it is. I started it at 1:30 this morning when Lora and Matt brought me home and could only manage to remove a few. As I work on it this morning, each pin brings the same thought - you failed, you knew you wouldn't make it and here is the proof. I made myself get up this morning and go take a shower. I stood there under the hot water and looked at my hand, crosshatched razor cuts, over and over. My first thought was not compassionate, it was simply, "you could have done better, in the past you did better, you are even loosing your touch on hurting yourself." I was mad at myself, not for what I had done, yet because I didn't do it better. As I stood there rubbing and scratching against the marks until they began to bleed again, a whole collection of negative thoughts and emotions traveled through my mind with the pain. Somewhere in there a voice of reason and comp...

What is that word Chris uses....cathartic.

I am having plenty of emotions lately. I am confused on what I should feel and what I shouldn't. Now, I can easily admit that there is a whole lot wrong with that phrase because there are no "should" and "should not" when it comes to feelings and emotions. Everything is valid, it is what we choose to do with it or react to it - and even in reacting there is a lot of freedom, as if you are reacting with more feelings and emotions, then it is ok. Wow, that almost makes one's head hurt. You know, I am not even sure how to explain what I am trying to get at - there is a first, no words to write. I can see it, I just can't figure out how to express it. There is a fun challenge to try and overcome. If my writing gets compromised, I don't know how I am going to manage to express myself. I guess I just have to have faith that a way will be provided. I am struggling today which is frustrating. I worked on the "purple book" a little last night and it...

I am scared. Yes, 43 year-old Blewy is scared. I have spent the past several weeks identifying pieces of myself that have been hidden, buried, shunned, and forgotten. Each of them have been basically terrified of things on one level or another and I have spent a lot of time asking each to trust me and come out where I can see them. Many have. Each day I am recognizing the presence of one or more of them and trying to find the right words to comfort and start a healing relationship. Although very new relationships, they all continue to follow the thought/behavior I have always seemed to exhibit - everyone gets at least one chance. Slowly, I am gaining mine. I am afraid of messing up. I am afraid of failing. It is not about reaching perfection, it is about maintaining trust, and I am petrified. I feel alone in a journey that lies ahead of me. Kind of standing there, looking down the path, realizing that I pretty much have to make it up as I go. No pressure.....really. I  am encourage...

Let's talk. Yah, just kicking back and getting comfortable on the bench. One of those "let me tell you a story" kind of positions. There was a time I could tell stories all night long. The day will come when I can do that again. I am still reading the "yellow book" (as compared to the "purple book") and am actually almost done with it. I would like to have it done before tomorrow yet I am not sure. Maybe by class tomorrow night. Seeing that I was never much of a reader, a small part of me gets excited when I am actually able to finish a book. Remember, it is the simple things that make me smile. I read it quite a bit down and back from St. Louis the other day and continue to find passages that just make me kind of sit in awe. When I first started seeing Chris, I told her not to give me the answers to questions - make me figure out the answer. Then I noted that I would try to bait her into giving me the answers anyways and maybe beg, yet I needed her no...

I skipped church today. Yah, I know, don't give me too much grief. I needed a day. Although I was not sure what that meant, it was a good start. When I woke up, feeling like I might have slept in only to remember we had the time change and according to the clock, there was a part of me that didn't want to get up. "Stay in bed and hide out" was the message coming forth. For a few weeks now I have followed that little voice. Today, I got up. Pancakes for breakfast. This one was for you Chris :) :) I am having one of those "I just want to do things right" days. No, I have no clue what that really means. I fixed breakfast - that was the right thing to do. It's pretty scarce around here on food. I forgot that when I am off my meds that I do not always make the best decisions financially. Spending becomes a coping tool. If I were spending on things I really needed (like groceries) then maybe I could cut myself some slack. Financial things are the number one it...