Moving along

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I am scared. Yes, 43 year-old Blewy is scared.

I have spent the past several weeks identifying pieces of myself that have been hidden, buried, shunned, and forgotten. Each of them have been basically terrified of things on one level or another and I have spent a lot of time asking each to trust me and come out where I can see them. Many have. Each day I am recognizing the presence of one or more of them and trying to find the right words to comfort and start a healing relationship. Although very new relationships, they all continue to follow the thought/behavior I have always seemed to exhibit - everyone gets at least one chance. Slowly, I am gaining mine.

I am afraid of messing up. I am afraid of failing. It is not about reaching perfection, it is about maintaining trust, and I am petrified.

I feel alone in a journey that lies ahead of me. Kind of standing there, looking down the path, realizing that I pretty much have to make it up as I go. No pressure.....really.

I  am encouraged that I am not alone and I struggle with....well, not really accepting, as I accept that there are those who are willing to listen.....maybe it is a matter of appropriateness?? I don't know, difficult to find the word that matches the thought. Does anyone really want to listen to me talk about making friends with myself and what I am learning, etc.? I know that when I start telling my brother, his eyes start to gloss over and I have lost him. I have gently moved most of my answers in regards to therapy, class, or life overall to "it is well."

At the end of the day, I would rather have someone tell me that they find no interest in what I am saying than being nice and graciously nodding while possibly thinking, "dear god, when is she going to shut up about this." And this would be one of those moments where "the protector" steps up and says, "don't worry Blewy, I got this" and I shut down.

The issue will be that I am going to continue to get excited about things I learn and discover and I will back away from sharing which will only frustrate me as I will be all "I just want to tell someone!!!" No different that learning a new trick or skill that you want to show off. It is just acceptance and validation and we all know those are still areas that I am working on.

I think about what Tami said today. If I don't give people the chance to replace what I have learned as certain responses (mostly negative) then I am always going to assume the way people will react. It's a tough place to be in, especially if the reaction is less than thrilled. I know, I cannot control how others react or how they might view something, yet why take the chance of diminishing something I find really amazing, especially when I am not fully at that place where I can brush it off as "their issue, not mine."

You see what is happening? I am becoming a protector over my little ones. The thought that they might be made to feel less for their achievements (once again) when I have promised them that I would not let them get hurt, has me kind of on the edge. I am sure I will figure something out. I do always have my space here to write and seeing that I am the one working through all of this and learning about it, I don't think I am going to be telling myself to shut up anytime soon.

At the end of the day it is not much different that directly asking for help, or setting the request out on a table for someone to pick up by their own choice. New learning opportunities. New trusting ones too. I do know one thing, it has me a bit scared.

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