Internal battles
I am having plenty of emotions lately. I am confused on what I should feel and what I shouldn't. Now, I can easily admit that there is a whole lot wrong with that phrase because there are no "should" and "should not" when it comes to feelings and emotions. Everything is valid, it is what we choose to do with it or react to it - and even in reacting there is a lot of freedom, as if you are reacting with more feelings and emotions, then it is ok. Wow, that almost makes one's head hurt. You know, I am not even sure how to explain what I am trying to get at - there is a first, no words to write. I can see it, I just can't figure out how to express it. There is a fun challenge to try and overcome. If my writing gets compromised, I don't know how I am going to manage to express myself. I guess I just have to have faith that a way will be provided.
I am struggling today which is frustrating. I worked on the "purple book" a little last night and it was a neat experience. When I retired for the night, I was feeling well and smiling and kind of chucking at the experience. I did not sleep the best again last night, seems to be a pattern, yet I woke up ok with no emotional distress.
My brother was in a foul mood this morning. Grumpy, bitchy, nasty are good words. I think even at one point I made a comment like, "my, are we cranky today?" His reply included a few f-bombs which pretty much solidified the fact he was just being an ass.
It didn't take too long of being around that for it to start affecting me. I hate contention. Yes, not going to be able to always avoid it, yet in my home I should always feel safe and calm. Last night when I was coming home, I turned down my road and I could feel my anxiety start raising. This is not the first time, matter of fact, it is pretty much the norm. I always try to just brush it off. It ties into the different times I have talked about being fine until it meant coming home and then the anxiety kicks in.
I have been asked before if I feel safe in my home. I always have answered yes. I mean, it's *my* home, why wouldn't I feel safe - why should I not feel safe? And, if I don't it has to be something wrong with me right?? So, as the emotions hit again last night I started thinking of different things that had happened at or in my home that would make me not feel at full peace going there. Yup, there were a few. I just tried to tell myself that those things were in the past and that it was a safe place now, it was my place, no one gets to threaten or hurt us there. It seemed to play out nice for the rest of the evening, then it was like the glass bubble was shattered in a few brief seconds and I got confronted with a lot of "you said it was safe and calm here" thoughts. After the boys got on the bus, I was like, "I'm going to go take a shower" and walked away from it all.
The nervousness has stayed with me all day, I have no focus or concentration. I would much rather be anywhere except where I am right now. As anxious feelings and scared emotions keep cycling through my system I am wearing down on what to do with them. I try to keep playing the "you are ok, it is ok to feel this way, and you are safe" while really just wanting to throw my hands in the air and say, "ok, just get it out of your system." Today, my journey has me right in the middle of a tug of war and I feel like I have no where to go on either side.
My mind runs rampant with thoughts, scenarios, emotions. Instead of it all in a small closet, it is like my mind wanders about a huge warehouse now. My spectrum of feeling has increased by a huge amount. I think I have a new definition to the "ripple effect" and the problem is that at times it feels like it ripping me apart.
I'm pretty much worthless here at the office day and I know if I go home I will crawl into bed and not get up until time for group tonight - not a healthy choice either. Not going to lie, kind of makes me want to punch something. It is like multiple emotions all at once, and I know I just have to stop, breathe, and try to slow them down and/or sort them out. Could really use a little help. Maybe one of the little ones can quit being mad at me long enough to help me sort the laundry out in my head.
Of course the frustration just makes me feel like crying which then just brings on more frustration as my mind has not given up the padlock on that door yet. I keep saying "it is ok to cry, it is ok to have whatever emotions you want as long as we don't hurt ourselves or others." Yah, still hasn't worked. A little pain would help here. Now I'm just talking like a crazy person :)
Damn full moon.
I am struggling today which is frustrating. I worked on the "purple book" a little last night and it was a neat experience. When I retired for the night, I was feeling well and smiling and kind of chucking at the experience. I did not sleep the best again last night, seems to be a pattern, yet I woke up ok with no emotional distress.
My brother was in a foul mood this morning. Grumpy, bitchy, nasty are good words. I think even at one point I made a comment like, "my, are we cranky today?" His reply included a few f-bombs which pretty much solidified the fact he was just being an ass.
It didn't take too long of being around that for it to start affecting me. I hate contention. Yes, not going to be able to always avoid it, yet in my home I should always feel safe and calm. Last night when I was coming home, I turned down my road and I could feel my anxiety start raising. This is not the first time, matter of fact, it is pretty much the norm. I always try to just brush it off. It ties into the different times I have talked about being fine until it meant coming home and then the anxiety kicks in.
I have been asked before if I feel safe in my home. I always have answered yes. I mean, it's *my* home, why wouldn't I feel safe - why should I not feel safe? And, if I don't it has to be something wrong with me right?? So, as the emotions hit again last night I started thinking of different things that had happened at or in my home that would make me not feel at full peace going there. Yup, there were a few. I just tried to tell myself that those things were in the past and that it was a safe place now, it was my place, no one gets to threaten or hurt us there. It seemed to play out nice for the rest of the evening, then it was like the glass bubble was shattered in a few brief seconds and I got confronted with a lot of "you said it was safe and calm here" thoughts. After the boys got on the bus, I was like, "I'm going to go take a shower" and walked away from it all.
The nervousness has stayed with me all day, I have no focus or concentration. I would much rather be anywhere except where I am right now. As anxious feelings and scared emotions keep cycling through my system I am wearing down on what to do with them. I try to keep playing the "you are ok, it is ok to feel this way, and you are safe" while really just wanting to throw my hands in the air and say, "ok, just get it out of your system." Today, my journey has me right in the middle of a tug of war and I feel like I have no where to go on either side.
My mind runs rampant with thoughts, scenarios, emotions. Instead of it all in a small closet, it is like my mind wanders about a huge warehouse now. My spectrum of feeling has increased by a huge amount. I think I have a new definition to the "ripple effect" and the problem is that at times it feels like it ripping me apart.
I'm pretty much worthless here at the office day and I know if I go home I will crawl into bed and not get up until time for group tonight - not a healthy choice either. Not going to lie, kind of makes me want to punch something. It is like multiple emotions all at once, and I know I just have to stop, breathe, and try to slow them down and/or sort them out. Could really use a little help. Maybe one of the little ones can quit being mad at me long enough to help me sort the laundry out in my head.
Of course the frustration just makes me feel like crying which then just brings on more frustration as my mind has not given up the padlock on that door yet. I keep saying "it is ok to cry, it is ok to have whatever emotions you want as long as we don't hurt ourselves or others." Yah, still hasn't worked. A little pain would help here. Now I'm just talking like a crazy person :)
Damn full moon.