Keep hanging in there
It is getting "loud" again and can you guess how much that has me on edge. I just keep telling myself that all is good, all is ok. It is just noise, it is just sound, it can't hurt me. I have done pretty well today, I just have to keep hanging in there.
I feel so alone, still weary, still afraid. It's been a long day here in the house and there is still the night to go. I have just tried to keep myself busy. I tried to nap earlier, not sure I really did. I close my eyes often and try to visualize someone else with me, their arms around me, just being there. Someone on the park bench with me, or someone at the tree. Someone simply saying, "I know you are scared and that is ok. I know you are still afraid about last night and that makes sense." I was scared last night, I really was. There was a lot to be afraid about through the whole experience. As my sister walked me out to her car, I just looked at her and said, "by the way, I have some problems."
I texted with my best friend for a few. She asked if I didn't get enough frustration out on the walls at Lora's house. Told her apparently not. She tells me it is ok, we just have to start again. We banter about the weather as she says it is supposed to snow up there yet just rain here. I tell her that is good, keep the snow, I am getting old and don't like it. We are always bantering about something, isn't that what good friends do? Sometimes I let her win....sometimes. She offers "a text a day from a good buddy" to help me out. I agree that would be awesome. She tells me that this is a battle that she wants and needs me to win, that we all have setbacks. As hard as it is, just have patience, it will happen.
I got the courage earlier to check in with 35, just to let her know I was home and ok. She found me a bit ago. She tells me that she still loves me, she is not disappointed, that she understands. She wants me to be assured that she isn't mad at me. Tells me that I just have to regroup and try again. I ask if she's still my buddy then, to which she tells me never to second guess that one. She says that each time I overcome, I will understand more and will gain more strength. I will build confidence in myself. She tells me today is crucial, yet our conversation ends before I get the rest of that thought.
I assume it has to do with feeling so fragile, feeling like I already messed up, why not just do it right. The intensity of the loneliness fuels destructive desires that, no matter how much I sleep, still linger. I am vulnerable right now and I guess as long as I realize that and am aware of it, then I can stay on top of it. I desire my mind to quiet back down. I didn't think it would get fired back up so quickly. I scare myself with bargaining thoughts.
Early to bed, that will be a plan. Chris would say, what can you do to not make it worse? I'm trying Chris, know I am trying.
I feel so alone, still weary, still afraid. It's been a long day here in the house and there is still the night to go. I have just tried to keep myself busy. I tried to nap earlier, not sure I really did. I close my eyes often and try to visualize someone else with me, their arms around me, just being there. Someone on the park bench with me, or someone at the tree. Someone simply saying, "I know you are scared and that is ok. I know you are still afraid about last night and that makes sense." I was scared last night, I really was. There was a lot to be afraid about through the whole experience. As my sister walked me out to her car, I just looked at her and said, "by the way, I have some problems."
I texted with my best friend for a few. She asked if I didn't get enough frustration out on the walls at Lora's house. Told her apparently not. She tells me it is ok, we just have to start again. We banter about the weather as she says it is supposed to snow up there yet just rain here. I tell her that is good, keep the snow, I am getting old and don't like it. We are always bantering about something, isn't that what good friends do? Sometimes I let her win....sometimes. She offers "a text a day from a good buddy" to help me out. I agree that would be awesome. She tells me that this is a battle that she wants and needs me to win, that we all have setbacks. As hard as it is, just have patience, it will happen.
I got the courage earlier to check in with 35, just to let her know I was home and ok. She found me a bit ago. She tells me that she still loves me, she is not disappointed, that she understands. She wants me to be assured that she isn't mad at me. Tells me that I just have to regroup and try again. I ask if she's still my buddy then, to which she tells me never to second guess that one. She says that each time I overcome, I will understand more and will gain more strength. I will build confidence in myself. She tells me today is crucial, yet our conversation ends before I get the rest of that thought.
I assume it has to do with feeling so fragile, feeling like I already messed up, why not just do it right. The intensity of the loneliness fuels destructive desires that, no matter how much I sleep, still linger. I am vulnerable right now and I guess as long as I realize that and am aware of it, then I can stay on top of it. I desire my mind to quiet back down. I didn't think it would get fired back up so quickly. I scare myself with bargaining thoughts.
Early to bed, that will be a plan. Chris would say, what can you do to not make it worse? I'm trying Chris, know I am trying.