Deep Breath and Prayer

As part of my homework, I am trying to write a little more. It's there, the thoughts and all yet I am just not doing well on getting them out of my head one way or another. It is not that I don't want to write, it is that I sit down to do so and I lose the desire. Granted, nothing in life says that I "have to" write, yet when I don't all of those thoughts just keep piling up and it gets even more busy in my head. It's like a bad chain reaction as the piling up just starts causing anxiety and stress and then we all know that does not always end the best. So, since it would seem that I can't get the my current train of thought from my head to paper, I will just go for sharing some what has been up in the past few days: Goodwill made out quite well today. I lost count after 50 VCR tapes as I was packing them up. Someone will be happy. Tess was all about the snuggles this morning Tess crawled up on the back of the chair like a cat. Hope she was comfortable, I ...

Although I don't decorate much for the holidays anymore, I do generally have the inadequate tree, a nativity, and a train. I have boxes of Christmas decorations in my shed and they have hardly been opened the 8 years I have lived in my house. Over the years, that fun loving adventure of decorating just drifted away. I think it was because the holidays became more un-enjoyable and therefore, why put out the effort. There's always a train though. I used to buy these $1 wind up trains with track and put them around the tree. I don't know what the fascination is, yet if there is nothing else out, you have to have a nativity and you have to have a train. This weekend I will go dig out my little nativity. In session last week Chris mentioned buying something that was fun. Just for the record, she seems to have cool Christmas socks like her cool Halloween socks. I agreed that I should go get me something neat. I forgot that I had already done so a few weeks ago. During a trip to W...

This morning as I was doing my best to procrastinate the next load of laundry, I had a word come across my mind - transitioning. I was suddenly like, "that's it!" As I have continually fished for words to describe what I am going through, feeling like, fighting with, etc. I have yet to find one word that can almost cover it all, until now. Transition: movement, passage, or change from one position, state, stage, subject, concept, etc., to another; change. Yup, I think that is a great word to use. I guess we could say that life overall is a one huge transition, moment to moment changing due to what we are learning and/or experiencing. You see, my mind goes directly to that generalized thought not because I am being wise or anything, it does it to try and lessen the moment. Kind of like, "Oh hey, that is great you thought of that word, yet you realize it isn't that special, every moment is a transition, so don't get all excited over it - it is...

I can't believe I haven't written all week. Well, ok, I can as I have thought about it several times and just have not been able to put the thoughts together to get them on paper. I think I used the phrase "mind-boggling" in an email to Chris earlier this week and that still seems to hold pretty true. I continue to feel like I am in this new world, seeing things new for the first time or just differently. Really not any specific thing, it is sometimes random, it is sometimes a result of working through something. The one thing I do find along my journey, it is all connected. Whether it is connected from a past incident, a past learned behavior, or other, it is so interconnected. I would like to think that is a sign that if I can make forward progression in one area or find peace with one incident, it will affect things down the line. My hands are healing. I think the scars will eventually fade. I think I probably see them quicker than another might and that is ok, it ...

You do not know how bad I just want to stand up, say I am done, and be done. I feel like I am trying and trying and each movement forward is getting me kicked backwards. I know, we can get all into the how it feels versus how it really is, and the thing is, I am having a really hard time seeing what is reality at this point. I can't tell you where my feelings match up to reality because I can't get a grip on reality. The thing is, I can't quit now. I look at my desk and see a few to-do notes. Can't let people down, got to get their work done. I really need to take those notes home because I keep forgetting to do them. I mean, if I am going to really take myself out of commission, I can't leave projects hanging. See, I am not even making sense. I am so messed up right now I don't know which way is up. I know this feeling, this is the worthless and nothingness I used to feel when mom came after me. This is where I cower and beg forgiveness. I admit I am a screw up...

Dear Heavenly Father, I just want you to know that i still read your letter often. I find strength in being able to read many of the words now and know I am on the other side of the fence. As I read the stories you shared, I realize I now have my own. There is still a missing component for me. The authors of those stories seem to have so much confidence and assurity in themselves and their new found lives. I am still so scared and doubting of my strength. I get a few steps ahead and it feels exhilarating. I find myself thinking, "I got this, I can do this" and it feels good. It seems to come with a price. I often feel that as I stand up and start moving forward and being confident, a part of me meets me head-on to tell me that it is not real, it is not going to last, not only am I fooling myself and I will most likely hurt someone in the process. Back up and back off. It breaks my heart. I want to do good, I want to help others, I want to do the right things in life. Sometime...

I'm thinking this should be an email to Chris, and I am opting not to. I don't know where it is going to go and if it is just rambling, then I would feel bad emailing it. I am sure it is just "adjusting to a new life" kind of stuff and somewhere, somehow I will figure it out. I texted 35 and asked her if during recovery did she ever feel like she was going insane, like things were not making any sense and you felt really confused. I feel like I am loosing it. For the past few days there have been these positive events from random people in my life. Unsolicited "you are good" comments, phone calls, messages. Random, out of nowhere kind of things. Not going to complain, it has been nice, it has been like some kind of affirmation that I am moving in the right direction, that I am traveling down the right path. There is a small sense of confusion caused by it as well - why would people randomly say/do things like that for/to me? I don't understand. Today is ...