Deep Breath and Prayer

It was nice to sleep in today, really nice. I did not want to get up and finally made myself crawl out of bed.  We had a baptism at church today and I was so happy to celebrate my friend's long journey to come unto Christ. She just smiled and glowed....she should, this is a great day for her! When I got home, I had all these things I wanted to do outside, yet that dang anxiety monster was hounding me to go inside and hide. I sure wish I knew why I get afraid of being outside.  Although I know nothing is going to hurt me, I get so afraid.  Maybe it is the openness? I really don't know.  Time to do some research on agoraphobia. I went in for a few, then just got up and headed outside. It was my skill practicing of opposite action.  I was very aware of the presence of the anxiety the whole time I was out there, yet I stuck it out. I do believe that Tess and I will both sleep very well tonight....which is happening very soon! With that, today, these things happened....

I went back and looked at last year's posts. Ah, the infamous "do something for yourself" experiment...round one. Seems I did well. It also was "fry LaFonda" week. Hey, not going to complain one bit, it's been pretty awesome to not have a period for the last year. Here it is, spring break time. Although I did well with things last year, I am not going to go look at emails. It is my guess that I did not do the best with those. So what about this year? No surgery planned, no vacation days planned, no emotional meltdowns planned. I'm going to give that "do something for me" another shot. I have a few projects I would like to at least start. My biggest goal will be to leave my mental health providers alone. As I have said before, everybody needs a little Blewy in their life, and yet, everybody needs a break from Blewy at times too. I want to be able to go see Chris next week and report that I did really good. I'm totally going for a pat on the ...

I took today off of work. I "had a flu bug" and it is possible I might not be better tomorrow.  I needed a mental break from work. The 10 hour days are starting to wear on me and I can tell I am getting kind of impatient.  Also just needed a day away from having my work second-guessed by a co-worker.  Although they found me via email, at least I was able to deal with it on my schedule. I have to figure out how I am going to handle that situation.  In time I will find an answer, doesn't have to be tonight. It is not a complete lie, I haven't felt the best lately.  My stomach and I have been arguing for a few days and the headaches have come and gone.  It's just being tired and feeling stressed and not taking time to stop and recover. Thus today...and possibly tomorrow. I rested quite a bit, yet about 4 I decided it was time to get some of my goals taken care of.  I spent the next few hours outside. I replaced the stereo in my car.  This may not sou...

There has been so much going through my mind since Friday. I have wanted to sit and write more than once, yet when I did have time, I was exhausted.  I am excited for session tomorrow because I feel like I have lots to share.  Of course there is some apprehension there too because I am afraid I will get in there and not remember or craziness like that.  Then there are all the questions in my head.  Yah, going to assume it's all going to go blank at 9:15. So Saturday I went to Time Out for Women over in Indy.  I was hesitant to go, yet kind of got peer pressured into it.  What I was expecting and what it was were so far apart.  It was truly amazing and uplifting. It actually was Fri and Sat yet my friend and I just went on Saturday. Wow, there were a lot of people - this photo is from my seat looking toward the back, it doesn't include about that many who were seated in front of me.  My one friend was a helper so she had 2 reserved seats toward the...

It has been mood swing after mood swing in regards to my emotions with myself lately. I do something and I am good and ready to go and then soon I am mad and frustrated. Let's see what I have to work with... Good/happy thoughts: I have been doing well with my do something each day homework. Granted, no big huge events, yet at least something each day. That is a start, right? I have done good taking my medication, have not missed a day. I have been getting to work before or right at 9, a record for me. I have been doing well with getting/keeping my anxiety down so I can go to sleep quickly or if I wake up during the night I can get back to sleep. I have started to get out walking and even though there is a lot of anxiety associated with that, I am still doing it and pushing myself to finish set goals. I almost have all the dishes caught up and laundry folded. And, tomorrow I am getting a haircut which ALWAYS makes me smile. As well, I framed my guardian drawing to put by my bed so I...

Here we go again, starting over. I have done it so many times that I am not even sure how to do it anymore. Granted, seems that I should try something different this time since all the other times I started over ended in...well, starting over again. One could argue that each day we start over....a new beginning.  Yah, not going for that one here.  At least this time I am not jobless, penniless, and homeless.  I guess that is the silver lining in this all. I am not alone either. I have the kids, I have the guardian, and I have Chris. I am not alone this time. I don't even know where to start to start over. I guess it is picking up the pieces where I am right now and trying to move forward. Heck, I don't even know if I pick up the pieces, maybe I just leave things behind and try to take a step forward. I have been so afraid these past few weeks and just terrified emotionally these past few days. Then I started to receive text messages from several of my roaming angels askin...

I don't feel very well.  Again, one of those things where I can't really explain it, I just know I don't feel good. You know when a little kid says they "hurt" and can't explain it other than they "hurt."  It's like that.  I am sad and I don't feel good.  My very essence doesn't feel good. I got one of the things done tonight that I have been trying to get done - finish scanning my drawings.  I got it done and as I looked back through them, I realize just how much my emotions have been all over the place lately.  I guess more then just lately.  If you go through them, it's quite a roller coaster ride of thoughts and emotions.  Maybe I am not as stable as I thought I was.  I torched my safe place today. Actually, I torched it in my dreams last night, it just made it to paper today.  I am not really sure why I did it.  A part of me feels like having it is just me doing wishful thinking and it is not really doing anything productive....