Deep Breath and Prayer

A lot on my mind, yet not for writing just yet. Actually wish I had session again tomorrow to sit and talk about things with Chris. It is ok, I see her Thursday afternoon and I can work on sorting things out on my own until then. Meanwhile, today, before session this happened: Elder Erickson's birthday is Friday. He will be.....ok, wait, let me figure this out....20. Yah, I believe we figured he was born in April and I went on my mission in July. Wait, maybe it was the year before, so he would be 21. Ok, maybe we shouldn't discuss the age difference here. Since I can't take him a cake, I tried to find as many "birthday cake" flavored things that I could. I sent him a confetti cake mix, birthday Oreos, birthday Russell Stovers, birthday peeps, birthday cookie crunchie things, and of course a couple gifts. I forgot to put his blue zebra pens in there though. I will have to send those separate. Topped it off with a 6 page letter I wrote up last night. Yah, that shoul...

I feel trapped. I feel like I am surrounded by doors that all have locks on them and none will open.  There I am, alone and trapped.  It makes me feel anxious and stressed.  Not knowing what to do, I sit there and hope someone realizes I am missing and tries to find me.  If it be possible to "be here" and "not be here" at the same time, then that is what I am. So, I guess we play the function of emotion game.  What is the trapped feeling telling me? Not sure if anything falls under the communication column other than the regular "need help figuring this out" signal.  I have to remember that for me, my body language includes my drawings.  Example, Karen asked me today when she saw me in the office if I was ok. I straight-faced told her I was for the most part when I should have held up my picture I just finished and said, "I feel trapped." Which is next...validate.  Is feeling trapped trying to tell me something?  Yah, that I am still confused...

Hello, my name is Blewy and I am a pyromaniac.....and that is perfectly ok!!! (as long as I am safe!) They are talking about rain again this week so I figured this evening was perfect to try and burn off more of the brush pile. I am determined to reclaim my back yard from the brush! I lit up the small pile I had built up when I finished a few weeks ago.  The wind may have been nasty to drive in lately, yet it has been great for drying my wood piles.  So with lighter fluid in hand, I torched. I looked over at the remainder of the original, big pile and contemplated if I should light it too.  I was hesitant as it was still kind of big for my comfort level. I paused for a few then figured, what the heck, the fire department is just down the road. Again, my magic bottle of lighter fluid and a little flame. Can I just say that it only took about 30 seconds for me to go, "oh shit! that may not have been real smart" as the heat alone off of it was pretty intense. I just stayed c...

In some past posts I talked a lot about how I couldn't feel the guardian anymore, that they were MIA or something.  Although the guardian has yet to show back up that I can feel them (and oh how I miss the hugs), my drawings started to tell a story.  Each drawing spurred another to pop up in my mind.  In the end I just kept drawing the things I was seeing until the images stopped.  I'm kind of curious where it will go. This is how the guardian showed up, wearing no breastplate because they were changing it from "guardian green" to "blewy blue and yellow." With the breastplate finished, the guardian was off to find matching pieces for the knees and elbows.  Things went back to being quiet until today when everyone made an appearance. First, the "ok" from Christopher, the one who had been the guardian for so many years. Then after a long time away, the guardian came to visit, bringing me armor.  Although I am not ready to take that role yet, the guar...

Focus on the good. Focus on the good. Focus on the good. Yes, there is darkness and fear in my head, yet focus on the good. (This could be a song) Sunrise yesterday on my way to Charleston When I got up yesterday, I took a few to just sit and think. With the opportunity to go to the temple, what would I focus on, what would I ponder, what answers would I look for. What would be a question I could take in with me and desire an answer or direction. I felt so lost in those thoughts and not the "so deeply in thought" lost, I felt as if I was staring at a blank piece of paper and couldn't find the words to put down. In the end, my simple prayer was that Heavenly Father would help me to simply know the questions I needed to ask in order to keep healing. Whether those would be questions for me to ask Him, ask myself, ask Chris. And, could He help me feel "the good" in my heart. Of course, all these things by His will, not mine. "Old Main". Hunter used to thin...

Today, I walked around the office putting my finger up in the air and going "I am Iron Man" and lot's of people laughed. Yes, this is what I did. Thank you Iron Man, my boo boo feels better tonight. Lot of thoughts tonight, yet not at a place to write about them. Panic made its round about an hour or so ago, yet I stayed safe. There has been something about evening time since the incident that sets me off. More parallels to consider. I am just taking deep breaths and reminding myself that we will figure it out, just be patient.  Short, yes, and yet I wrote. Write....heal.....write.....heal.... makes a good prescription.

OK. Let's give this a try. So much on my mind and it has been a whirlwind of emotion lately. I'm going to do my best to stay compassionate and not judge. Tami gave me a little tutorial on how one's blood sugar can affect their judement and noted that 72 was not the place to be. So I am eating while I write this. I had to walk out of class last night. Again.....trying not to judge myself. There is a whole pile of negative comments just waiting to be attached to that. I have to try and look at it as doing what I needed to in order to keep "calm" and safe. I use calm loosely there as I was not feeling very calm. I was embarrassed by it and there is not much I can do with that. As I stood outside trying to take in air I had plenty of rambling thoughts and some that may have made sense. I have tried hard to just let Friday go - put it in the category of "well, I slipped" and move on. I laugh a lot and make wise cracks. Yes, laughter is good, yet maybe not whe...