Feeling trapped

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I feel trapped. I feel like I am surrounded by doors that all have locks on them and none will open.  There I am, alone and trapped.  It makes me feel anxious and stressed.  Not knowing what to do, I sit there and hope someone realizes I am missing and tries to find me.  If it be possible to "be here" and "not be here" at the same time, then that is what I am.

So, I guess we play the function of emotion game.  What is the trapped feeling telling me? Not sure if anything falls under the communication column other than the regular "need help figuring this out" signal.  I have to remember that for me, my body language includes my drawings.  Example, Karen asked me today when she saw me in the office if I was ok. I straight-faced told her I was for the most part when I should have held up my picture I just finished and said, "I feel trapped."

Which is next...validate.  Is feeling trapped trying to tell me something?  Yah, that I am still confused over things and unsure of what direction to go next. I feel faced with choices and decisions that I can't even define, let alone select from.  Trapped and alone?  Validating that I am still apprehensive about asking for help and direction because I think I should have it figured out myself first.

That leaves us motivate.  The automatic reaction is that feeling trapped motivates me to withdrawal and hide and try to be as small as I can.  Stay there until I figure things out or disappear.  The recognition of that means I need to kick in the acting opposite to urge.  Therefore, what can I do to work toward that?  First, don't withdrawal.  I made a small step, I went *in* when I was at the office today even if I was shy about what I was feeling.  I drew and I am writing about it.  I am not burying it, yet even though I don't understand it, I am trying to put it out there.  As with most of my other emotions, it tries to motivate me to trust in myself that I can figure things out and trust that others will help me without conditions....all I have to do is ask....one way or another I just have to ask.

As I sit here at this moment, I close my eyes and try to figure out what I am thinking and/or feeling.  I sit very still and my insides shiver.  I am sure this is stress related.  It's been a very stressful day and I haven't had any down time except for the 45 min or so hiding at Chris' office.

I'm tired, like if I kept my eyes closed too long I would fall asleep right here. I have been sleeping better and the dreams have been calm, so not sure what's up with being tired, probably to emotional tired spilling over to the physical.  Oh, could be the 3 hours outside doing yard work yesterday.

There are negative thoughts rolling around.  Many are connected to not feeling like I can figure the events of lately out on my own.  Kind of like being stuck in mud and you can't figure out how to get out....you really are not even sure how you got in there to begin with.  Anyways, assistance still is not going to arrive for a while so you have time to look at where you are and realize you sure did things good this round.

The desire to hurt myself scale bounces up and down in intensity.  That comes with a lot of frustration with myself. The dark thoughts churn away with hate and anger.  The strongest desire is to be able to step "out of myself" turn around and beat the crap out of myself.  I want to hurt myself because I have so much anger and the only place I know to direct it is at myself.  It is not really "punishment" as much as a dislike for my very existence.  It is the darkness and it continues to shift from just berating to wanting to do destruction to release anger.....and I am to be the recipient of that. So much hate and anger.

I hear that voice in the back of my mind going, "really??? after recently you are still wanting to hurt yourself???" No matter the conversation, the darkness still exists. I can see cutting down my arms - not a "flashback" as I am adding to, not creating. I am physically hurting myself. With each blow, cut, or other physical shot, anger gets stronger and the force harder. That happened the other night. With each cut, the anger and hate got stronger and things went from scratching to digging in and ripping.

The thoughts spook me a little. I remind myself that they are only thoughts and I can keep them from becoming reality (or at least I hope so). I breathe and remember I have session tomorrow. I just have to hang in there until tomorrow and I will be ok. 

When I saw Lisa after my cutting incident a few years ago, I just sat there looking at her and asked, "why do I hate myself so much"?  It was the start of a healing journey.  Although I do not hate myself as I used to, there has to be some strong dislike to hurt myself as I do - whether I am doing it physically or emotionally.  I have so many questions with that alone - why is it such a strong desire at times, why doesn't it hurt when it is happening, why is it almost addictive, and why can't I stop the thoughts and desires to do it again. I just wish I had that "one question" like I had with Lisa.  Who knows, maybe I still hate myself and I am just in denial with it.

I'm a little scared to go to session tomorrow. I'll sit down, say something like "what should we talk about" and Chris will reply something like, "what would you like to talk about" and my mind will go blank and I will have this surge of panic go through me as I try to figure out something in the jumbled mess of thoughts to throw out there.  I will most likely say the first safe thing that comes to mind, avoiding the deep stuff I really need to talk about.....yet those are the things I can't seem to find words to express or identify.  These are the "why do I hate myself" pieces and thoughts.  We will talk about whatever I choose and I will leave session frustrated and mad at myself for not trying to pull something from the bottom of the pile, even if I couldn't name it.  Hmmm...seems like I may have done this before.

Maybe God will help us out. Maybe He will inspire Chris to know what questions to ask to help me identify what I can't name or figure out. Maybe He will remind me that I don't have to run from the scary, that no one is going to hurt me nor let me get hurt.  I guess I will just have to trust and see how it plays out.

Time to call it a day and head home.  A small to-do list and then I can go to bed....yes, possibly a little avoidance there. 

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