Deep Breath and Prayer

My computer desk has been taken over by ants. I cleaned it off, removed anything that might attract them and they are still coming! I hate summer and ants and they are always worse with the rain. I'm really on my last nerve with them. I did pick up the lighter and started torching them instead of squashing them. You would think that would send a message down the line to go away. Did I mention that I hate ants? I did well most of today and then I must have stopped to take a breath as the "head games switch" flipped before I knew it. Went walking. With each step I got more and more angry with myself. I watched the brick pillars from afar. With each step closer to them I kept asking myself, "are you going to do it?" Some steps my answer was yes, some were no, some were "snap out of it." I wanted to plant my fist square into them. I was anxious, I was mad at myself, and I really just wanted to cause pain to myself. For those wondering, yes, this thought pa...

On sale for $9.99!! Gooey! (And smells) Use enclosed cap. Um, no cap. Saran Wrap!!! All cooked! Shower time! More yellow than blonde. Should have kept it on a little longer, yet it was burning my head. It's ok abut 90% of it will get shaved tomorrow! And we have Blewyhawk again!!!! Seems I didn't get the very bottom of my hair colored, so it has that ombre look. Something new!

I have been seeing a dietitian for about three weeks now and she says I am doing really well. I personally question whether or not I am, yet she and Tami are the pros in this one. I got to thinking today about it all. For some reason working with Melissa too, I can see the eating disorder from a different aspect. I do not think it is a matter of better or worse, just different. Maybe it's more like understanding it a little more?? I watch these patterns of my food consumption and I really do not eat much at all. Especially with working on eating more nutritional I see things. I think about my emotions and thoughts more when I am doing my logs. I am not sure how to explain it. It is like something has clicked and I can almost see the disorder in a way. Maybe it is acceptance. Instead of "I'm a screw up who can't even eat right" filled with guilt and shame, it is more like "I have this thing I struggle with and I am working to get through it." It is like i...

Well hello Christy. Hey. Nice to see you, and you know you can't stay here. I know. Things have just been so confusing lately. Things are changing fast, things have me feeling lost. Sometimes it is feels like too much, too fast. Figured I could come back here for a moment and just remember when it all felt right. I see. I knew this would be a harder part of your journey and that is why I have sent you some of my finest angels.  Oh yes, they are wonderful and amazing and I do not know how I could get through things without them. Thank you for allowing them to be a part of my journey. Why don't you share with me some of the things on your mind? I know you have a lot of thoughts mingling together, so just tell me some of them. I know everyday is a new day and a new chance to define our journey. I also know that I am who I am because of the journey I have been on, even though it has been difficult at times. You see, that is one part of it - I am who I am because of what I have gone...

I'm getting there...I am getting close to the end of the day and have not hurt myself yet. Yes, it is still a possibility. I did find a positive in all of this, with the head games and all these past few days, I have not had too many negative thoughts in regards to food. Seems like "I hate myself for eating" dropped pretty low on the list this week. I feel like two people. One that is out there, helping others, serving, doing and being all those things I am supposed to do and be. Then, there is this other side that has been a growing struggle - the one that is on the emotional roller coaster, the one that wants to punish, the one that is just a scared kid looking for some kind of outlet. It has been extra hard these past few days. Usually, when I get in the "must punish self" mindset, it comes and then it goes (sometimes acted upon, sometimes not). It has been a really long time since I have had it stick around at this intensity for so long. It worries me, as th...

Yesterday I fixed a batch of chicken, vegetables, and quiona in the crock pot. When I got home from fishing, the house smelled amazing. It would make for easily 3-4 meals for Tess and I. I took out the crock so it would cool before I put it away. 7 am I woke up haunted by this thought, "I forgot to put the food away!" Sure enough, there it sat on the counter. My memory has its issues and when I am not 100%, it is worse. Checking the facts....um, yup, it is proven. Seems I am still struggling today. I feel confused, sad, and frustrated. I still want to hurt myself. I should rephrase that to make it more accurate... I want to make myself hurt. I don't want to kill myself, I don't want to play replace emotional pain by using physical pain. I want to make myself feel pain, I want to punish myself, I want it to hurt. In my mind, I have done something wrong and if I make it hurt enough then it can go away. I will have paid my price. Problem is, I do not have a "paid in...

I made it through the day. It has not been as easy as one might think. A large sum of emotions fueled by anger at myself. I will often say "I feel lost" to which we know the answer is, "I'm right here." Today, I didn't feel lost, I was lost. I think I still am. I'm "in a place" emotionally that is not familiar to me. I have been all day. I can't seem to describe it other than if I have been here before, I don't remember. It's hard to get help when you don't know where to send it. Whatever is happening, it is different that the habitual norm of my emotional downfalls. I have struggled today to keep things at some even level - no matter where that level would have been. Was not so much as highs and lows as lows and lowers. I have not been ok today. I am not sure I am yet. I don't like not being ok. There is a level of not being in control when you are not ok. I've gone through the day with a deep seeded feeling of sadness ...