Deep Breath and Prayer

Evening. Just tucked in and thought maybe I should write just a little. Was out fishing this afternoon and I had that big tidal wave of sadness hit me hard. Hate it when that happens. It has weighed on me since. I actually quit fishing because of it, which timed out nicely with the thunder that rolled in. I did not go straight home, had that *not ready to go* feeling. Sat out in a parking lot for an hour or so just thinking, drawing, trying to get my head on straight. Eventually came home. Just texted a few with Chris. Told her I did not know why I was sad. Ok, let's honestly think about session today. Was there anything we talked about that wouldn't make me sad? My failed relationship with Nicole, my failed friendship with 35, my failed issues with my mom. Um, ok, maybe I have a small reason to be sad. I think it didn't hit me until earlier because I was all go, go, go, and it was the first moment that I stopped that it all could catch up with me....and it has hurt. I have...

It has taken everything I have to not go fishing . I told myself that I was not going fishing and instead I was getting things done here around the house. Yah, that equated to a 3+ hour nap. Should have gone fishing. Went with Lora yesterday. What a fun day! She caught a few and laughed as she fed a lot more. Told her not to worry, I do that that plenty of times. She was super excited each time she caught one...and when I would catch them too. We have spent a lot of time together lately, just hanging out. Maybe she should move more often? Sadly, it has been a long time since we have just "been sisters" and not had life, jobs, marriages, or mother to deal with. I am soaking them all up as much as I can because the end of the summer will be here before I know it, and she will be gone. I miss 35. I miss my friend. I miss laughing at silly things while eating Chinese. I do, I really miss my friend. I find myself wanting to send a text message and just say hello, yet she was prett...

I was afraid that seeing my infamous Elder Erickson would be either awkward or it was going to tear my heart out of my chest. I think Heavenly Father knew what I was worried about and how much I just wanted a good moment to remember. The original plan got changed, which gave me a few options and in the end, I got to meet the parents and have some great one-on-one visiting, and get the good memories I was hoping for. As Chris would say, God is good.

I have not been on here for a while, so I am just going to post some photos of my recent activities!

What was that Chris texted me tonight.....deep breath, prayer, and trust. Ah, trust. I know what that is....trust is the willingness to be vulnerable. Never realized how "DBT" that sounds until now. I think I do a lot better with that whole trusting thing than I did in the past. I am a bit more willing to let people inside my inner circle - let them past my "wall of safety" and hope I made a good decision. It is taking a chance for both of us, that wall exists to keep people from hurting me and to keep me from hurting them. Therefore, if you find yourself inside, it comes with a risk.....for all of us. Been pretty sick lately. It wears on my pretty hard, yet I seem to keep hanging in there with it. I do wish there were some answers. Either answers to what is going on, or answers from above in regards to why I need to be going through this. They will come, the answers, from one place or another. Although I want to argue with myself at times, I know this is not a puni...

So, about two or so years ago, I bought a new Blue Angels model, and it has sat ever since. Now, that doesn't beat the "intermediate level" one that has been in the cabinet for almost 10 years. Someday I will get to that one. This one was on sale and as I snapped it together I realized why. Still, it is a fun project. Was easy and a great mindfulness activity. Stickers are a bit crooked, yet my hands are still pretty shaky from everything. I say it is ok, it just gives it a little character.

 And I am home. It seems that it rained why I was in the hospital...like a lot. Have not seen the back flooded this bad for a while. Later on Lora and I took pictures of me with my fishing pole "fishing" in the "lake" I am able to keep things down if I eat slow, just a little bit at a time, and it is bland. It is a challenge when you are hungry, yet if it keeps me from puking, then let's do it. Now that I don't have the constant IV, I am also super thirsty. Of course liquids fall under the same category as food - a little at a time. Talk about a test in patience. Came home with a ton of medicine. Remember my proudness that I went from a shoebox of meds to none after I had surgery? Well, I think I need to find another box. Not too sure how long I will be on all of this, yet it is the only way I am managing to not throw up. Actually had to write out a schedule of what and when to take things because there are so many. Tessa was super happy to see me and has ...