Alcohol bad.
When I was finishing my undergrad (all hail the non-traditional student) I took a weekend class where we watched the movie "When a Man Loves a Woman." Can't remember the name of the class, but I remember the movie. I had seen the movie a few years before. This is the one with Meg Ryan fighting alcoholism and being in rehab and the effect on her family, etc. I remembered we watched part of the movie Friday and finished it on Saturday. What I also remember was the effect watching it had on me. I remember it being very difficult to watch. It stirred up emotions and I felt very uncomfortable sitting there. Although not parallel with the events shown in the movie, I related all too well to the emotional message coming through. It was emotion overload and I felt trapped in it. It stirred feelings that I had already mastered burying and it was not pleasant. I remember keeping my head down most of the time. Although I could still hear the dialog, not having to see it too took away some of the harsh reality. I contemplated leaving, but I had never walked out on a class - and besides, it was just a movie, right? I have never watched it again. As well, I had not thought about it again until later this evening.
By the end of class tonight I found I was pretty shaken up. This was odd to me as I had made peace with the dynamic of the class weeks ago. I actually enjoy seeing my classmates each week. I chuckle how we all sat outside in the lobby the first few classes, no one saying a word to each other and barely making eye contact. Now we laugh and carry on like a bunch of school kids. And underneath it all, we continue to cheer each other on in our journeys.
Class started a little different tonight. A question was posed to us to share a little be more about ourselves or our struggles. Everyone shared a part of their story, a part of their journey that brought them into class. Yes, even I did.
As each person shared, there was a level of relation all to familiar. Some things I directly related to because I had done them myself or been in the same situation. Other things were more indirect - I recognized the emotion or the behavior. My journey arrived to those places in a different way, but I knew the place all too well. In a room full of very individual people, it became very apparent that we were more similar than I ever expected. The exercise was only a brief part of class but it did leave me on the edge. I did not think much of it at the time as I figured it was just the whole "shared a personal story" nerves or just delayed fallout from my last blog post writing.
When I graduated with my bachelor's, my friends threw me a party at their house. I really did not want this for I knew it would pretty much be everyone getting drunk while I sat there sober. I wish that this is all it had been. 15 years later it continues to be in the top 5 of the stupid things I agreed to do when my mind tried to tell me different. Actually, I think it may be top on the list. This night alone could be content matter for many, many therapy sessions. What is it about alcohol and people being stupid and doing hurtful things? Maybe I should have drank too that night, then maybe I wouldn't remember it all. I guess this is where I am supposed to say "it was what it was" and move forward. Even though it was the kickoff of a long, downward spiral, it also set me up for a way to recognize and try to control my anxiety.
While driving home tonight, had me a good case of the shakes. This is the cue that I have triggered a certain anxiety level. The higher the anxiety, the worse the shakes and tremors. Through the years it has become a built in warning mechanism. It used to end in seizures, but those stopped after being diagnosed with sleep apnea. It can still get pretty bad though. Feeling it getting worse, I quickly realized what was happening and what had triggered it.
Sitting there listening to everyone share was like sitting through that movie. I related TOO WELL to things that were being shared. There were emotions that were being triggered that I had not been prepared to feel. While I was engaging and listening, my subconscious was screaming "I don't want to remember these feelings." It all happens so fast and before you even realize it, there you are, caught off guard and wondering what the heck just happened.
So now what do I do? I could have called someone and talked it out. Um, yah, still not to that place yet. I could have sent an email sharing my feelings and asking for feedback. Um, no. I think I have sent out plenty (if not too many) emails recently. Which simply leaves, try to figure it out on your own. Kudos to me, I did. Maybe I really am learning something.
There is still a lot of class to go. I am sure this will not be the last time this happens to me. Eventually I will just have to admit that I am human. What I do now is make a plan on how to react to it when it comes around again. I may not be able to keep it from happening, but I can control how I react to it. Next time, it gets cataloged under "it is what it is" and I will have a safer drive home.
For now, it's time for bed. Emotionally, I feel like I have been put through a wringer. I've made good strides this week. I've made healthy choices. I am making one now as usually this is the key moment I would reach for the cocktail of meds to take care of the emotions. Actually, I would have hit them up as soon as I got in the door. I am going to guess that there is a time when emotional pain is healthy to feel - or at least it is unhealthy to try and avoid it.
As for the graduation parties, when I got my Master's I made it very clear that if anyone even mentioned throwing a party I would disown them and never speak to them again. No one even brought it up.
Good job people.
By the end of class tonight I found I was pretty shaken up. This was odd to me as I had made peace with the dynamic of the class weeks ago. I actually enjoy seeing my classmates each week. I chuckle how we all sat outside in the lobby the first few classes, no one saying a word to each other and barely making eye contact. Now we laugh and carry on like a bunch of school kids. And underneath it all, we continue to cheer each other on in our journeys.
Class started a little different tonight. A question was posed to us to share a little be more about ourselves or our struggles. Everyone shared a part of their story, a part of their journey that brought them into class. Yes, even I did.
As each person shared, there was a level of relation all to familiar. Some things I directly related to because I had done them myself or been in the same situation. Other things were more indirect - I recognized the emotion or the behavior. My journey arrived to those places in a different way, but I knew the place all too well. In a room full of very individual people, it became very apparent that we were more similar than I ever expected. The exercise was only a brief part of class but it did leave me on the edge. I did not think much of it at the time as I figured it was just the whole "shared a personal story" nerves or just delayed fallout from my last blog post writing.
When I graduated with my bachelor's, my friends threw me a party at their house. I really did not want this for I knew it would pretty much be everyone getting drunk while I sat there sober. I wish that this is all it had been. 15 years later it continues to be in the top 5 of the stupid things I agreed to do when my mind tried to tell me different. Actually, I think it may be top on the list. This night alone could be content matter for many, many therapy sessions. What is it about alcohol and people being stupid and doing hurtful things? Maybe I should have drank too that night, then maybe I wouldn't remember it all. I guess this is where I am supposed to say "it was what it was" and move forward. Even though it was the kickoff of a long, downward spiral, it also set me up for a way to recognize and try to control my anxiety.
While driving home tonight, had me a good case of the shakes. This is the cue that I have triggered a certain anxiety level. The higher the anxiety, the worse the shakes and tremors. Through the years it has become a built in warning mechanism. It used to end in seizures, but those stopped after being diagnosed with sleep apnea. It can still get pretty bad though. Feeling it getting worse, I quickly realized what was happening and what had triggered it.
Sitting there listening to everyone share was like sitting through that movie. I related TOO WELL to things that were being shared. There were emotions that were being triggered that I had not been prepared to feel. While I was engaging and listening, my subconscious was screaming "I don't want to remember these feelings." It all happens so fast and before you even realize it, there you are, caught off guard and wondering what the heck just happened.
So now what do I do? I could have called someone and talked it out. Um, yah, still not to that place yet. I could have sent an email sharing my feelings and asking for feedback. Um, no. I think I have sent out plenty (if not too many) emails recently. Which simply leaves, try to figure it out on your own. Kudos to me, I did. Maybe I really am learning something.
There is still a lot of class to go. I am sure this will not be the last time this happens to me. Eventually I will just have to admit that I am human. What I do now is make a plan on how to react to it when it comes around again. I may not be able to keep it from happening, but I can control how I react to it. Next time, it gets cataloged under "it is what it is" and I will have a safer drive home.
For now, it's time for bed. Emotionally, I feel like I have been put through a wringer. I've made good strides this week. I've made healthy choices. I am making one now as usually this is the key moment I would reach for the cocktail of meds to take care of the emotions. Actually, I would have hit them up as soon as I got in the door. I am going to guess that there is a time when emotional pain is healthy to feel - or at least it is unhealthy to try and avoid it.
As for the graduation parties, when I got my Master's I made it very clear that if anyone even mentioned throwing a party I would disown them and never speak to them again. No one even brought it up.
Good job people.