Dear Blewy

Dear Blewy, 

Although you may not be at a place yet where you will believe the things I am about to say, I wanted to take the time to write it. Your recent travels and work placed you in situations where it may not have been comfortable after the things you have been through lately, but you really stepped up and took them on like a champ. Not sure if you realized that or not, but you did.

You have come so far in the past few months. I hope you are able to feel the growth and change. I know every day is still scary, but I hope that your fear starts to diminish. If you look back, do it with caution and find the growth. Do not measure it. Do not judge it. There are no expectations. Remember what Zina used to say, it is not the time it takes but the forward progression that counts.

You are not alone in this.

Know that God has placed angels around you to protect and strengthen you. Some you cannot see while others physically cross your path on a regular basis. Listen closely with your heart and mind and you will hear Him say "look, there is one, trust them and let them help you." At some point in their journey of existence they agreed to watch over, help, and strengthen you - allow them to do so.

I know you are afraid. I know your heart is broken. I know you feel defeated. I know you often get that deep anguishing emptiness in the pit of your gut. I know many times you feel lost and alone. I wish I could take that away. I wish I could give you the comfort you so deeply seek, but I cannot - at least not at this time for I am still learning and healing myself. It does not make you broken or bad. You are not damaged goods. It is just part of the hand you got dealt. Just keep trusting that somewhere down the line it will get better.

Know how sorry I am that I could not protect you through the years. I did not know how. I did the best I could with the knowledge and tools I had. We got hurt. We healed. We got hurt again. We fought and we gave up at times. We made some less effective choices, but we also did some great things too. All we knew was that we had to survive and we had not been taught how to really do that, so we guessed. If I could go back and change things I would in a moment. You were always good and precious and of great worth. You changed people's lives for the better just by knowing them. You made mountains move. You, were amazing. The trials made you even stronger. You and your "bring it on" attitude and "no fear" mantra kept the fire burning. My heart aches that those great things got taken away from you and you feel they are not yours to have again. I am truly sorry. I hope that along this journey that not only will you be able to forgive me for not protecting you more, but that I will be able to forgive myself too.

It only gets better from here.

It took a lot of courage for you to stand up and decide to fight for yourself. Not knowing even what that meant or would entail showed that you still have something amazing inside of you. Be patient with yourself. Those characteristics of overachieving and perfection can deter you as quick as they can benefit you.

Remember the first fall and winter after your mission? Even with a cane you could barely walk. It took all your focus to just shuffle your legs to move them forward - but you did it. Some days the pain was almost unbearable while other the numbness brought fear that any one of those steps could be your last. It took you a long time to travel distances that others took for granted. You kept going. You have to keep going now. Even when it feels like you can no longer move, you have to. You cannot give up.

I know the demons come without warning sometimes. I know how exhausting it can be. I know how easy it is to want to let them win. I know that deep desire for all to "be quiet" for just a few moments. They say that this time will come. The demons may not go away fully, but there will be times of peace and quiet again. I, like you, continue to hope that the quiet times will become the greater of the two.

Take care of you. You are soon to be in a position where you can do that with even more focus. It does not mean you are being selfish. Quit fearing this outcome. It is ok to think, as well as to say, no. You do not have to save the world today, only yourself. And you only have to work toward that today, not complete it.

Remember.

Amongst the darkness and doubt there is light. Those great memories - like girl's camp, basketball, your mission, coaching, and the boys - are your lifeline. Those are yours. Those cannot be taken away. Hold tight to them. Relive them. Laugh. Smile. Play them over and over in your mind. Focus on every detail you can. Remember how you felt in those moments. Try to feel that now. Hold that as long as you can. When it gets dark, do not let go of them.

God believes in you as do I. He would not have chosen you to fight this battle otherwise. Great things will come to you and others as long as you keep fighting. You are needed. You are needed here and now. This is your time. You are still the great warrior you have always been and you still look amazing in armor with a shield and sword. Keep fighting.

It will come. You will be able to stand up again. You will see how strong and mighty you are. It is in you. It is in you now. I can see it. Don't be afraid to look for yourself.

Don't be afraid to ask for help. I know this is hard for you. You have been hurt. Everyone wants to help but there always seems to be a cost - shame, guilt, lost friendships, abandonment. People are put off when they should be compassionate. I understand, I truly do. You have to reach out though, you cannot travel this road alone. Look for the angels and reach out. They will grasp your hand. Just hang on. As scary as it will be, trust them. They will not let you fall.

Take a deep breath. It is going to be ok. You are going to beat this. I promise.

Keep the faith,
Big Blewy