Big win
Personal Progress (PP). The infamous "Young Women's goal setting program" every LDS female youth gets introduced to between the ages of 12-18. The program has changed several times since I was 12, but it still remains an excellent program. In my time, it was completely goal based. There were six "areas of focus" in which you developed personal goals each year then worked with your leaders to complete and check off on them. You would get certificates and upon full completion, a really cool medallion.
My family went inactive when I was almost 14. It was hard to be away from the YW program. Even though I didn't have a lot of friends, I enjoyed how I felt when I was at church. Thank goodness for girl's camp each summer and basketball many of the winters. These were my social lifelines, my personal progress was my spiritual one.
I didn't return to church regularly until I went to collage. Within a few weeks of being back, I was asked to work with the young women. After seven years of camp (that would eventually top out at 11) I knew most of the young women in the surrounding congregations, so it was a great joy to work with them. As well, it gave me the chance to do the one thing I had not - get my medallion.
My heart broke when I learned that the program had changed almost three years prior to this. Those I talked with knew my family had been inactive and asked if I had even done anything in all those years. I took out my weathered PP book, full of pictures, writings, and memories. I pulled out papers from every year that listed goals and monthly checks. Although I had no YW leaders to mark my progress, I had done it personally. It was there - six years of goals, achievements, and completions. I was asked why I would make such the effort when my family didn't even come to church. I replied it was my way of staying close to God and feeling his presence. I knew it was important. Permission was granted to present me with my medallion even though the program had changed. Someone made the comment that they had not seen that much dedication by active kids in the church, let alone inactive.
The very skill of setting and achieving goals brought a sense of accomplishment that felt good. It was also a skill that would benefit me for all my life.
One morning in May 2012, I woke up and decided I had had enough of the life I was in. After years and years of weight issues I found myself once again close to 400 lbs. I could no longer sit on my couch because I couldn't get up off it (plus, it had broke from the extreme weight). Taking steps was difficult and I found it hard to walk from one room to another in my own house without shortness of breath & chest pains. I was a walking heart attack/stroke time bomb. Because the scales at the doctor office only went to 350, I would stop by the recycling center down the street and weigh on the scale there. Toss in some food addiction and eating issues and you have a great recipe for disaster. You see, when you really don't care if you live or die each day (and generally are praying for the latter), your weight is not a top priority. I had no clue what I was going to do, but I knew that it had to be a complete lifestyle change – physical, emotional, nutritional, and spiritual.
I knew that my main failure point in the past was accountability. Once a month weigh-in meant eat what you wanted for 3.5 weeks and then starve for 5 days to lose a pound. Asking for help was not an option for me. I am the one who helped others, not the one who asked for help. I knew if I was going to make this work, I was going to have to ask for help.
I made a deal with a few friends, if I screwed up or cheated, they had to choose a punishment for me. They agreed and I did my first weigh in on June 11th at work (new digital scale that went up to 500#) in the presence of one person. I had gotten down to 370 lbs. I would weigh in weekly to keep me accountable. Then I took a big leap out of my comfort zone and put my journey in a public forum. This was huge, but it was not about me – I hoped that by putting it out there, it might help at least one person to make positive changes in their lives.
There were a lot of immediate changes. Nutrition and exercise were the first two to get an overhaul. I had no goal other than to get healthy. For a moment I had no clue as to how I was going to do this, then I remembered - personal progress goal setting.
I set realistic goals for each area. Small changes that could be attained. The journey was going to be more successful with a focus on small wins along the way than trying to meet a huge, overwhelming goal. Goals were as simple as losing 3 lbs in 3 weeks and walking around our building several times a day to raise my heart rate. Nutritional changes were more strict, but attainable. It would mean sacrifice, but it could all be done.
By the end of the summer I was able to get on my bicycle. My first ride I did just at 3 miles and thought I was going to die. My last ride in November was 27 miles. I also walked in two 5K races before the end of year. In December I broke under 300 lbs. A few weeks later I had weight loss surgery. It was a tool that would help me keep the weight off the rest of my life.
It was a good plan. 160+ less pounds later, it still is.
Today in session, there was a win. A really big one. I didn't realize just how big until afterward when I had time to really ponder on it. The more I think about it, the bigger it keeps getting (and the bigger I keep smiling). There is going to be some serious smile mileage coming out of this for a while.
During our discussion, it was brought up that I did not have to "fight for my life" anymore. I had my life. I had breath. I had light. I had control. Yes, the emotions would still come and be scary, but the emotions and feelings would not kill me. I was alive. If I was going to keep fighting, fight to become better. Fight to become stronger. Fight to become healthier. Fight to better the life I had secured.
I won. I won a big one. I didn't do it alone and I would never take solo credit for it, but I did good. I didn't give up. Granted, I needed someone to tell me to quit beating a dead horse (oh, wait, is that phrase even used anymore?), but I had pulled off something I had accepted to be completely impossible - a lifelong battle that would never resolve itself. Yet, I kept fighting.
Luckily, I was able to find one person to share part of this with today. Nothing like having great news and no one to tell it to. Actually, to me this falls under the "want to shout if from the rooftops" kind of excitement. Hey, I am going to live. This is really big! It is the total "they were not lying - there really is a light at the end of the tunnel" affirmation. My mind has rallied on this for over 12 hours now - I'm still stoked. I am not sure if I should be this excited, but I am. It's going to be hard to go to sleep tonight.
Here is what this means - I have the strength to endure and make changes. I really can do this. I really am still as powerful as I once was. I exist. I am. Today, I stood up and walked out of hell. Yah, that is how I feel - I finally walked through the door that led me out of hell and I have some basic skills that are going to keep me from going back there - at least voluntarily. It is a good day.
I mentioned to my friend that I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do next. She said to me "of course you do, look at your weight loss." And then it hit me - change my focus. Yes, there is an amazing goal at the end of this journey. That cannot be my focus. My focus has to be the small steps along the way. Small, attainable goals. I've done this before. I can do this again. Today, I celebrate. Tomorrow, I start writing goals.
Now, I don't have over 150 followers on this part of the journey. I have a very small handful of people that even know I'm fighting this fight. I try not to share too much with them though. Friendships do not always survive mental health issues. This will be one of the difficult parts - not being able to share the successes readily with someone. Sure, I enjoy the pat on the back (even if I act like I don't) but I'm ok with celebrating alone - it will keep me humble. Besides, I can write always write about them.
For today though, big win. Very, very big win.
My family went inactive when I was almost 14. It was hard to be away from the YW program. Even though I didn't have a lot of friends, I enjoyed how I felt when I was at church. Thank goodness for girl's camp each summer and basketball many of the winters. These were my social lifelines, my personal progress was my spiritual one.
I didn't return to church regularly until I went to collage. Within a few weeks of being back, I was asked to work with the young women. After seven years of camp (that would eventually top out at 11) I knew most of the young women in the surrounding congregations, so it was a great joy to work with them. As well, it gave me the chance to do the one thing I had not - get my medallion.
My heart broke when I learned that the program had changed almost three years prior to this. Those I talked with knew my family had been inactive and asked if I had even done anything in all those years. I took out my weathered PP book, full of pictures, writings, and memories. I pulled out papers from every year that listed goals and monthly checks. Although I had no YW leaders to mark my progress, I had done it personally. It was there - six years of goals, achievements, and completions. I was asked why I would make such the effort when my family didn't even come to church. I replied it was my way of staying close to God and feeling his presence. I knew it was important. Permission was granted to present me with my medallion even though the program had changed. Someone made the comment that they had not seen that much dedication by active kids in the church, let alone inactive.
The very skill of setting and achieving goals brought a sense of accomplishment that felt good. It was also a skill that would benefit me for all my life.
One morning in May 2012, I woke up and decided I had had enough of the life I was in. After years and years of weight issues I found myself once again close to 400 lbs. I could no longer sit on my couch because I couldn't get up off it (plus, it had broke from the extreme weight). Taking steps was difficult and I found it hard to walk from one room to another in my own house without shortness of breath & chest pains. I was a walking heart attack/stroke time bomb. Because the scales at the doctor office only went to 350, I would stop by the recycling center down the street and weigh on the scale there. Toss in some food addiction and eating issues and you have a great recipe for disaster. You see, when you really don't care if you live or die each day (and generally are praying for the latter), your weight is not a top priority. I had no clue what I was going to do, but I knew that it had to be a complete lifestyle change – physical, emotional, nutritional, and spiritual.
I knew that my main failure point in the past was accountability. Once a month weigh-in meant eat what you wanted for 3.5 weeks and then starve for 5 days to lose a pound. Asking for help was not an option for me. I am the one who helped others, not the one who asked for help. I knew if I was going to make this work, I was going to have to ask for help.
I made a deal with a few friends, if I screwed up or cheated, they had to choose a punishment for me. They agreed and I did my first weigh in on June 11th at work (new digital scale that went up to 500#) in the presence of one person. I had gotten down to 370 lbs. I would weigh in weekly to keep me accountable. Then I took a big leap out of my comfort zone and put my journey in a public forum. This was huge, but it was not about me – I hoped that by putting it out there, it might help at least one person to make positive changes in their lives.
There were a lot of immediate changes. Nutrition and exercise were the first two to get an overhaul. I had no goal other than to get healthy. For a moment I had no clue as to how I was going to do this, then I remembered - personal progress goal setting.
I set realistic goals for each area. Small changes that could be attained. The journey was going to be more successful with a focus on small wins along the way than trying to meet a huge, overwhelming goal. Goals were as simple as losing 3 lbs in 3 weeks and walking around our building several times a day to raise my heart rate. Nutritional changes were more strict, but attainable. It would mean sacrifice, but it could all be done.
By the end of the summer I was able to get on my bicycle. My first ride I did just at 3 miles and thought I was going to die. My last ride in November was 27 miles. I also walked in two 5K races before the end of year. In December I broke under 300 lbs. A few weeks later I had weight loss surgery. It was a tool that would help me keep the weight off the rest of my life.
It was a good plan. 160+ less pounds later, it still is.
Today in session, there was a win. A really big one. I didn't realize just how big until afterward when I had time to really ponder on it. The more I think about it, the bigger it keeps getting (and the bigger I keep smiling). There is going to be some serious smile mileage coming out of this for a while.
During our discussion, it was brought up that I did not have to "fight for my life" anymore. I had my life. I had breath. I had light. I had control. Yes, the emotions would still come and be scary, but the emotions and feelings would not kill me. I was alive. If I was going to keep fighting, fight to become better. Fight to become stronger. Fight to become healthier. Fight to better the life I had secured.
I won. I won a big one. I didn't do it alone and I would never take solo credit for it, but I did good. I didn't give up. Granted, I needed someone to tell me to quit beating a dead horse (oh, wait, is that phrase even used anymore?), but I had pulled off something I had accepted to be completely impossible - a lifelong battle that would never resolve itself. Yet, I kept fighting.
Luckily, I was able to find one person to share part of this with today. Nothing like having great news and no one to tell it to. Actually, to me this falls under the "want to shout if from the rooftops" kind of excitement. Hey, I am going to live. This is really big! It is the total "they were not lying - there really is a light at the end of the tunnel" affirmation. My mind has rallied on this for over 12 hours now - I'm still stoked. I am not sure if I should be this excited, but I am. It's going to be hard to go to sleep tonight.
Here is what this means - I have the strength to endure and make changes. I really can do this. I really am still as powerful as I once was. I exist. I am. Today, I stood up and walked out of hell. Yah, that is how I feel - I finally walked through the door that led me out of hell and I have some basic skills that are going to keep me from going back there - at least voluntarily. It is a good day.
I mentioned to my friend that I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do next. She said to me "of course you do, look at your weight loss." And then it hit me - change my focus. Yes, there is an amazing goal at the end of this journey. That cannot be my focus. My focus has to be the small steps along the way. Small, attainable goals. I've done this before. I can do this again. Today, I celebrate. Tomorrow, I start writing goals.
Now, I don't have over 150 followers on this part of the journey. I have a very small handful of people that even know I'm fighting this fight. I try not to share too much with them though. Friendships do not always survive mental health issues. This will be one of the difficult parts - not being able to share the successes readily with someone. Sure, I enjoy the pat on the back (even if I act like I don't) but I'm ok with celebrating alone - it will keep me humble. Besides, I can write always write about them.
For today though, big win. Very, very big win.