In its time

I may have spoken too soon. I have a habit of doing that at times. (Is it really a "habit" if you only do it "at times"?) Anyways, I've been a little expressive in how well I have been lately. How nice it has been to feel good, etc. Not bragging or boasting, just sharing my happiness. I've allowed myself to turn around and look and tell myself, "you were there (and look far, far away into unhealthy land) and now you are here (much healthier land)." I've allowed myself to stand out in the open and feel the warmth of the sun instead of hiding in the shade and just looking at it from a distance, wondering what it felt like. And it has been nice.

At the end of session today I made a short comment in regards to how a small part of me is waiting for the shoe to drop. This is the pattern I am used to - good things, great times, then all hell breaks loose. Whether reality or not, it always seemed there was a definite ratio to it all. More good now = more hell later. It's one of the reasons I started backing away from going and doing and having fun and enjoying. Sure, I missed out on a lot, yet the return payback to balance out things was not as intense. I'm sure this is one of those myths that would show up in our class binder "the more fun I have the more I will have to pay for it later" (or something like that). Like I said, reality (myth) or not, it sure always felt like it was real.

I'm having a moment. This is what I am calling it because it is my hopes that it stays just as that - a moment. It showed up about and hour ago, yet it will pass. I know it will. This is the difference, I now know these types of "moments" will pass, they will not consume me, they will not destroy me. They still hurt a little around the edges though.

At the time, anxiety has a bit of the upper hand. Focus is pretty much gone. The nerves have me jittery. Yes, this is where you start asking what is the trigger, what is the purpose, etc. It's ok, I don't have to get all into that here. I have that part figured out and that is why I am not freaking out on top of it all, just trying to let it pass by without too much incident.

I chuckle a little. Maybe it feels more intense because my mind has been quieter lately. It still goes at a good pace, yet either there has not been as much going on at once in there or what seemed like a tangled mess has just worked some kinks out. It has been different and it has been well with me. Isn't there some saying about not realizing something until it has been gone? Oh wait, wasn't that about love? Oh heck, sure don't want to go there!!! Better find a different saying to apply here.

I can't expect it to be sunshine and rainbows all the time. As I keep being taught, do what I need to do, learn what I need to learn, so hopefully the good lasts longer and the rough lasts shorter and the number of good outweighs the rough. It's happening. When life punches me in the chest, it doesn't knock the wind out of me anymore, it just catches me off guard. When I fall, I hardly need a band-aid anymore. For the most part, even the moments of heartache are not as painful (although those still have a ways to go).

There's still something deep in me hiding out. I feel it. I can't tell you what it is, I just know it is there. It shows up in times like this. I've called it and compared it to a lot of things, the soda can about to explode, my soul being lit on fire, the storm coming in, and more. It's that thing that always made me want to scream at the top of my lungs or punch something just to release it. Not sure if it is anger, frustration, grief, anxiety, fear. Seriously, no clue, it is just something.

It has some kind of mass, even if it is emotional, it is large/strong enough that I feel it. I'm glad it only comes around at times, it would be a lot to take all the time. Then again, I remember when it was around all the time - maybe that is why I still find it so confusing. I'd gladly give it up if I just knew what it was. It sure isn't doing me anything good, at least that I can identify. In time, as with all the healing I have done, it will subside or it will resolve. In its time.

Again, I remind myself, I am safe. Whatever this moment is, it can't physically hurt me. It has no power to do that. I am in control of that choice. I am good. It may have waves of feeling like it could, yet it cannot. Emotionally it is doing it's best to leave a mark, and even if it does, I know it won't be as deep as in the past. No more gaping wounds, at least not today.

So I beat on my chest till my song has been sung

And I cry like a wolf at the top of my lungs

And stand with my face to the wind

With the storm beating down on this sacred ground

If I stand for the grace that I've known

For what I believe

Then I won't stand alone

No I won't stand alone