I'm done fighting

Yah, you didn't think I would finish Spring Break week out and not write, did you? I sometimes wonder if years down the line someone will read all these (besides me). I'd like to think I have written them in a way that they feel like someone is talking to them. Heck, maybe they would even be inspired or strengthened or something crazy like that. Maybe they would chuckle and think, "whoa, my life isn't as bad as I thought." Just a thought, one of those crazy, random thoughts that frequently travel through my brain.

I made it through the first 30 minutes of church today. Seeing that God has really watched over me this past week, I felt the need to make the best effort I could to go and worship and give thanks. I got up, showered, dressed, and headed that way. Only took me about half way there to think to myself how this may not have been the smartest plan.

It should have been a sign when a few people who knew what was going on (yes, I made an effort not to tell anyone, nothing new there) just looked at me and said "Why are you here??" It would seem I looked as bad as I felt at that moment. I just smiled and replied that I probably be there too long.

The nice thing about church, you can just bury your head in your hands and everyone thinks you are praying. Well, I was....it was the "please don't pass out, please don't pass out" prayer. I think I made it 30 minutes because it took me that long to decide if I could drive home or not. You have to try, right? Got home safely, made myself eat and drink - part of the dizziness is that I can't seem to get ahead of the hydration issue - and went back to bed for a few hours.

Allow me to report that by mid-afternoon I finally started to feel like I was going to live. I have made myself drink, drink, drink, and drink some more. I did try to make some dinner, which was an epic fail and has been retired to the garbage can. I think I might just have to resort to a frozen pizza from the gas station tonight. I can admit it, some days I really do need a babysitter...or my tail kicked. We could probably flip a coin on that one. Hey, at least the room isn't spinning anymore when I move - silver lining.

I kind of have this "screw it" attitude tonight. There are just some things I have been fighting and fighting and I am done with it. I am sticking my sword in the ground, taking my helmet off, and exclaiming with force, "I AM DONE FIGHTING WITH YOU!!"

1. I made some less effective choices in my life which put me in a really, seriously, bad situation. Unfortunately, I can't change that. I can't go back in time and change moments that would have saved me from getting hurt, and I am done with spending over 20 years trying to do that and justify the guilt. At judgement day I will own what I need to own and I will let go of what I need to let go of. I'm done fighting it though. As for the person who hurt me, may you eternally rot in hell. I will no longer think of myself as less than others because of you. You no longer get that right.

2. I had a good childhood. I had a roof over my head, plenty of food to eat, clean clothes, and opportunities to do sports, dance, and music. I was culturally educated and encouraged to be anything I wanted. The whole world was in front of me to take on any way I wanted. I could have it all, except the one thing I so deeply desired. It's ok. I am at a place where I am ready to let that go. No harm, no foul, no more blame. I did the best I could. You can't save something that was destined to never be saved. I'm not walking away, just moving to the other side of the road and leaving the baggage on the corner.

3. Ok, universe, you win - something doesn't work right in my brain. I admit it, I can't fix it. I can't beat it, I can't change it, I can't make it go away. I can't wish it away, I can't pray it away, I can't destroy myself in hopes it will go away. It causes havoc and mayhem with my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and concentration - it has for an awfully long time. I have learned that I can't cover it, mask it, hide it, or ignore it because at the end of the day, it is always there. I have been told I can learn to manage the issues that it causes and yet I still wonder if it, itself, can be calmed or quieted. The other day someone told me that my not accepting it meant I thought I was better than others, and what made me so special over others that fought the same thing? Ok, that was like a dagger to the heart. My fight with this has never been an "I'm better than you" issue and to think that it could come across as such is one of those humbling moments where I want to kick myself, yet I quickly remember - self compassion. It is a part of me. I have red hair, blue eyes, and a chemical imbalance in my brain. Love me or leave me, it is what makes me Blewy.

4. Satan, you are an ass. Yes, I get that you have this huge eternal beef with God and you are taking it out on all of us, yet screw you dude. I'm not giving in and I am not giving up. Have you not figured out that every time you try to come after me, I get reinforcements? You are not going to win. Lay off. I really have no problem picking my sword back up and stabbing it right through your heart. Seriously, quit screwing with me and mine. I will fight for them and I will protect them until the day I get called home. Save yourself some time and disappointment and just go away. I will no longer allow you to make me feel inferior. I know who I was, who I am, and who I am destined to be. Yes, I may struggle with that at times, yet I will not forget it. Not any more. You have no power over me.

5. God, I am trying. No, like that is directed toward you, God. I want you to know I am trying the best I can. Sometimes I can give it 98% and other times I am lucky to hit 18% yet I give it all I have to give. There is so much I don't understand and so I get frustrated and upset with myself. I tell myself I should know things I have not learned. I get impatient and I try to find answers on my own when you have distinctly told me to let certain people help me. I get frustrated with my faults and limitations. I want to do good so much that I sometimes miss the point. I just want you to be proud of me. I want you to know that even when I have no clue what I am doing, I'm doing my best to make it work. I know it's about time to go back to work, that you have even greater plans for me. I am not going to lie, that scares me a little. Not the work you have in store, only my mortal limitations trying to get the best of me. I cannot pick and choose the pieces of myself that I am going to like and dislike, I am one package and have to accept myself as that. It is what I expect from others, therefore I cannot expect less from myself. If I met myself, I would love and trust that person with all I had. I am willing to stop fighting against myself and try to accept myself a little more, trust myself a little more, and love myself a little more. And I will try to quit doing it so much on my own. Don't let your angels leave me just yet, ok?