A look back
I woke up this morning having to pee so bad I was not sure if I was going to make it to the bathroom or not. Blessed be, the kidneys finally kicked back in. My body just hates me more and more each time I have something done. Let's hope this is it for a while. I no longer find any joy or excitement in recovery. I am not going to complain about the letting up of the flank pain I've been fighting for three days or the joint pain from the fluid retention. I look forward to stepping on the scales tomorrow and seeing just how much "water weight" I lost today. I think that just leaves one item on the list to resolve and I should be back to 100% again, or close to it. My follow up appt with the doc is next Monday, so it can be a race to the end. I'm hoping for a good appointment and a release to full activity. I will leave there and go straight over the old YWCA and get my membership back so I can start swimming again.
Just for those who might be interested, I am still doing things for myself. It is not top on the priority list, yet I am still trying to be a little aware of it all. I got to thinking about things that I may have coming up and realized that unless I want to end up back where I was last summer, I need to make sure I take time for myself. Maybe not everyday (although I am thinking there would be nothing wrong with this) yet I can't be giving 110% to everyone else and leaving myself in negative numbers.
What have I been up to lately? Well, I took time and wrote out the reply post for the random things about me. It's sitting there just needing a couple little edits and then for me to decide when I am going to post it. That was kind of fun to go back and do. Again, we were laughing pretty hard at making up that list. Last week they got the extra furniture out of my office which meant I could finally put up my wheelchair racing banner that Coach Adam let me have. Will see how long it takes Coach Steph to get me a basketball poster.
Got quite humbled in class tonight. It's not the first time, although with only a few weeks left, hopefully it is the last time. Hard to believe it has been over 7 months already. I was looking back in my binder at our first homework assignment we had where we had to write out commitment factors, barriers, and ways to overcome them. I think I have done good.
The reasons I listed for my commitment were that Lisa said there would be things I could learn that would help me in my journey to become healthier (yup, she was right on the mark with that one), I wanted to be at peace with myself (much closer to it than I was at the start), I was tired of the self-hatred (I think we have done great with that one), It was time to dedicate work to my non-physical side (and I have), and that I was basically fighting for my life (and I won that one, now didn't I!).
My list of barriers included that I hated the group therapy environment and the idea of being in a room of potential BPD people raised my anxiety due to experiences in my life. Glad to report that both those issues resolved themselves by the third class. Yes, we are a group, yet it is not group therapy like in the hospital (Hurray for Israel!! - as Sister Vilignia would say). As for the others in the group, no one has ended up attacking or eating another. It would be interesting to compare how we all perceived one another the first night and how we do now. I am sure it is very different, I know it is for me.
The last part of the homework was way to overcome the barriers. I had put that I just had to remember that Lisa was aware of how much I hated group therapy and that she would not have suggested my participation unless she believed it would help me, she would not "throw me to the wolves." Lisa also told me that she knew one of the facilitators. In my logical way, I gave that person the benefit of the doubt in the trust department to start out with. If Lisa said she was trustworthy, then I would take her word for it. It was not too many weeks in before that trust shifted from "because Lisa said so" to my own ownership of it. The last thing in the list is that the facilitators said that class was a "safe place" and that I would just go with that thought until I was shown otherwise. Happy to report, I never had to refute that.
Then there was our wise mind homework. I started cracking up when I flipped back to this page and saw all the notes and writings all over it. I am not sure how wise mind was going on anywhere on that page! I am glad to know that even if I am still continually practicing this skill, at least I have managed to bring some order to the process.
Of course I had to attempt to read it and see if I could make any sense of my scattered thought pattern. Wow, could do a whole new myths and challenges page with all the things written on the emotional side. Just a few - If I'm struggling, I am failing. Can't drag people into my mess. I cannot be a source of conflict. I am going to fail people. And lots more.
I seem to have done much better on the rational side - There are people willing to listen. No one is expecting you to be amazing all the time. It is ok to be frail. Not failing, but learning. You are only one person. We are not perfect, we hurt too (I think this is my new favorite).
In the wise mind list, we have, "Feeling again is not going to kill you. Breathe. Take a hot bath. Write in blog. Call Lisa and listen to voicemail message. No cocktails of pills to numb mind. Give self one task and work on it. End of world is not tomorrow. You are here for a reason, stick around and watch." Did I really share this stuff in class???
Of everything scribbled on the page, I do remember the two items written at the top and boxed in with a huge arrow connecting them. I remember writing these while we were going through the homework. On the emotional side it says, "Fighting the voice 'you can make this stop anytime'" and on the rational side, "You promised Lisa not to hurt yourself." Well, we watched that struggle play out over those next several weeks. At least I can report that I have learned to quiet that thought down to a level where it may exist, yet it doesn't have the power like it did at the beginning of class. As for breaking the promise, well it just provided an opportunity to practice non-judgement, self-compassion, and forgiveness.
Like I said, tonight was not the first time I had been humbled in class.
What have I been up to lately? Well, I took time and wrote out the reply post for the random things about me. It's sitting there just needing a couple little edits and then for me to decide when I am going to post it. That was kind of fun to go back and do. Again, we were laughing pretty hard at making up that list. Last week they got the extra furniture out of my office which meant I could finally put up my wheelchair racing banner that Coach Adam let me have. Will see how long it takes Coach Steph to get me a basketball poster.
Got quite humbled in class tonight. It's not the first time, although with only a few weeks left, hopefully it is the last time. Hard to believe it has been over 7 months already. I was looking back in my binder at our first homework assignment we had where we had to write out commitment factors, barriers, and ways to overcome them. I think I have done good.
The reasons I listed for my commitment were that Lisa said there would be things I could learn that would help me in my journey to become healthier (yup, she was right on the mark with that one), I wanted to be at peace with myself (much closer to it than I was at the start), I was tired of the self-hatred (I think we have done great with that one), It was time to dedicate work to my non-physical side (and I have), and that I was basically fighting for my life (and I won that one, now didn't I!).
My list of barriers included that I hated the group therapy environment and the idea of being in a room of potential BPD people raised my anxiety due to experiences in my life. Glad to report that both those issues resolved themselves by the third class. Yes, we are a group, yet it is not group therapy like in the hospital (Hurray for Israel!! - as Sister Vilignia would say). As for the others in the group, no one has ended up attacking or eating another. It would be interesting to compare how we all perceived one another the first night and how we do now. I am sure it is very different, I know it is for me.
The last part of the homework was way to overcome the barriers. I had put that I just had to remember that Lisa was aware of how much I hated group therapy and that she would not have suggested my participation unless she believed it would help me, she would not "throw me to the wolves." Lisa also told me that she knew one of the facilitators. In my logical way, I gave that person the benefit of the doubt in the trust department to start out with. If Lisa said she was trustworthy, then I would take her word for it. It was not too many weeks in before that trust shifted from "because Lisa said so" to my own ownership of it. The last thing in the list is that the facilitators said that class was a "safe place" and that I would just go with that thought until I was shown otherwise. Happy to report, I never had to refute that.
Of course I had to attempt to read it and see if I could make any sense of my scattered thought pattern. Wow, could do a whole new myths and challenges page with all the things written on the emotional side. Just a few - If I'm struggling, I am failing. Can't drag people into my mess. I cannot be a source of conflict. I am going to fail people. And lots more.
I seem to have done much better on the rational side - There are people willing to listen. No one is expecting you to be amazing all the time. It is ok to be frail. Not failing, but learning. You are only one person. We are not perfect, we hurt too (I think this is my new favorite).
In the wise mind list, we have, "Feeling again is not going to kill you. Breathe. Take a hot bath. Write in blog. Call Lisa and listen to voicemail message. No cocktails of pills to numb mind. Give self one task and work on it. End of world is not tomorrow. You are here for a reason, stick around and watch." Did I really share this stuff in class???
Of everything scribbled on the page, I do remember the two items written at the top and boxed in with a huge arrow connecting them. I remember writing these while we were going through the homework. On the emotional side it says, "Fighting the voice 'you can make this stop anytime'" and on the rational side, "You promised Lisa not to hurt yourself." Well, we watched that struggle play out over those next several weeks. At least I can report that I have learned to quiet that thought down to a level where it may exist, yet it doesn't have the power like it did at the beginning of class. As for breaking the promise, well it just provided an opportunity to practice non-judgement, self-compassion, and forgiveness.
Like I said, tonight was not the first time I had been humbled in class.