Desk job
I like it when a win comes before noon - or before 10:30 am. It is even better when it comes with personal satisfaction. When I moved into my house back in 2006 I inherited a nice, hefty desk. It had been a great aunt's desk that sat in the same spot in her house all the many years she had it.
From 2006 - 2010, it moved back and forth between my living room and bedroom multiple times. The last time it had made the move into the living room, it pretty much had reached it mobility point and once it was set in place was needed a few extra screws and bolts to keep it together. When the time came to move it one last time I really didn't know if it would make the 12-15 feet back to the bedroom. So, in 2010 it took its final spot in the house. I just hoped it would not fall apart while I sat at it. I did know that it was not going to be moved again.
Why am I talking about an old desk? It is a good example of how my life has been and how it can be some days. When you are asked how you are doing, there are times that it is hard to answer because you don't know how to explain it. Sure, most times you don't want to honestly tell people how you are (especially if you are struggling), yet there are times there are not words to really explain the follow up questions that could come.
For the past three years, that desk has sat there unused. It collects junk on top of it and I would need my yard stick to measure the thickness of dust on it. It is possible that small woodland creatures may have been living in it. Sure seems simple, eh? Clean it out, toss it out the door. No, not as easy as it sounds. Cleaning it out meant figuring out what to do with the stuff in it - where would I put it - was I ready to dig through it - did I even want to know what all was in there. Let's not forget that I had come up with a plan to get it out of there too. There is a second door in the bedroom (someone was on crack when they built this place) yet it had not even been opened for many years and had stuff piled in front of it. Not only would I have to deal with the desk, I would have to deal with accessing the door. Simply thinking about it all was so overwhelming that the whole idea just became one large symbol of my inability to function.
Last year I got three drawers cleaned out. That left three others that would sit there for another year. It was a little step. I am still not sure if that little bit was positive or negative. Sure, it was great that I was able to get a start on it and all of that, yet then I got to add to the thoughts - look, you could not even finish cleaning out the drawers. Every day I looked at that desk and the door, I was reminded how I was unable to do simple things without feeling defeated before I even started.
As I have been on this "taking on the world and winning" streak, I woke up today and decided that desk was out of here. I was going to do it, I knew what I had to do, and that was that. I cleared the stuff in front of the door, finished cleaning out the desk, got it outside, and threw the sucker off the porch. Yes, I could have nicely wheeled it to the corner, and yet I paused, took it off the two-wheel dolly and chucked the thing. Then I stood in the bedroom and chucked the remaining drawers out there too. Can I even express how good that felt?
As I ripped the thing apart so my garbage man would pick it up and hauled the pieces to the corner, I just kept telling myself I was not going to define myself by that stupid desk anymore. I actually found joy in it (except for the splinter I got - that kind of hurt). I am convinced that at times, there is a strong correlation between physically destroying something and emotional healing.
I'm not done, I'm just taking a little break. The desk is not the only thing that has gone out the door today, nor will it be the last. I posted on FB today that I was "literally cleaning house" and if you came by you might want to watch out before approaching any open doors. As well, you might want to wear a hard hat.
It is a day of cleaning and healing. Sounds good to me. I won't get everything done and yet I will make a heck of a dent in things. I will be happy with what I achieve and not focus on what is still left. Today is my day - - I AM OF WORTH!
Now, if I can just find someone to sucker into helping me move the piano later (no, it's not getting chucked out the door, just moved to where the desk was!!)
UPDATE: Several hours later, just reporting it remained a good day. See, it is all about attitude! Desk, filing cabinet, 1/2 the carpeting and insulation torn up and thrown out, floor-wall gap sealed, and piano moved (so much easier to move that thing on a solid floor).
Not sure I will get everything off the bed in time to call it a night, which is fine, the couch is not too uncomfortable and tomorrow is another day.
And a good day with eating including grilling out for dinner. Yes, it has been a good day. I do believe it is time for a hot bath, kicking back, and reading my book.
From 2006 - 2010, it moved back and forth between my living room and bedroom multiple times. The last time it had made the move into the living room, it pretty much had reached it mobility point and once it was set in place was needed a few extra screws and bolts to keep it together. When the time came to move it one last time I really didn't know if it would make the 12-15 feet back to the bedroom. So, in 2010 it took its final spot in the house. I just hoped it would not fall apart while I sat at it. I did know that it was not going to be moved again.
Why am I talking about an old desk? It is a good example of how my life has been and how it can be some days. When you are asked how you are doing, there are times that it is hard to answer because you don't know how to explain it. Sure, most times you don't want to honestly tell people how you are (especially if you are struggling), yet there are times there are not words to really explain the follow up questions that could come.For the past three years, that desk has sat there unused. It collects junk on top of it and I would need my yard stick to measure the thickness of dust on it. It is possible that small woodland creatures may have been living in it. Sure seems simple, eh? Clean it out, toss it out the door. No, not as easy as it sounds. Cleaning it out meant figuring out what to do with the stuff in it - where would I put it - was I ready to dig through it - did I even want to know what all was in there. Let's not forget that I had come up with a plan to get it out of there too. There is a second door in the bedroom (someone was on crack when they built this place) yet it had not even been opened for many years and had stuff piled in front of it. Not only would I have to deal with the desk, I would have to deal with accessing the door. Simply thinking about it all was so overwhelming that the whole idea just became one large symbol of my inability to function.
Last year I got three drawers cleaned out. That left three others that would sit there for another year. It was a little step. I am still not sure if that little bit was positive or negative. Sure, it was great that I was able to get a start on it and all of that, yet then I got to add to the thoughts - look, you could not even finish cleaning out the drawers. Every day I looked at that desk and the door, I was reminded how I was unable to do simple things without feeling defeated before I even started.
As I have been on this "taking on the world and winning" streak, I woke up today and decided that desk was out of here. I was going to do it, I knew what I had to do, and that was that. I cleared the stuff in front of the door, finished cleaning out the desk, got it outside, and threw the sucker off the porch. Yes, I could have nicely wheeled it to the corner, and yet I paused, took it off the two-wheel dolly and chucked the thing. Then I stood in the bedroom and chucked the remaining drawers out there too. Can I even express how good that felt?
I'm not done, I'm just taking a little break. The desk is not the only thing that has gone out the door today, nor will it be the last. I posted on FB today that I was "literally cleaning house" and if you came by you might want to watch out before approaching any open doors. As well, you might want to wear a hard hat.
It is a day of cleaning and healing. Sounds good to me. I won't get everything done and yet I will make a heck of a dent in things. I will be happy with what I achieve and not focus on what is still left. Today is my day - - I AM OF WORTH!
Now, if I can just find someone to sucker into helping me move the piano later (no, it's not getting chucked out the door, just moved to where the desk was!!)
UPDATE: Several hours later, just reporting it remained a good day. See, it is all about attitude! Desk, filing cabinet, 1/2 the carpeting and insulation torn up and thrown out, floor-wall gap sealed, and piano moved (so much easier to move that thing on a solid floor).Not sure I will get everything off the bed in time to call it a night, which is fine, the couch is not too uncomfortable and tomorrow is another day.
And a good day with eating including grilling out for dinner. Yes, it has been a good day. I do believe it is time for a hot bath, kicking back, and reading my book.