I give myself permission
I had to make some deliveries on campus and found myself in the main library. I walked past this engraving of a name and some dates in the wall and just kind of glanced at it quickly. I thought to myself, is that guy buried in the wall? I stopped for a moment, then turned around and went back and looked at it. I don't think he is. Then again, it's a university library.
The key element here is that I turned back around and went a looked at it. Usually I would have kept walking. Sure, I would have continued to be curious, yet I would not have given myself permission to go back and look. I know, kind of sounds silly, eh? I am realizing some things that I am not sure how to explain at times. There are sometimes those "ah-ha" type moments or things like today. It happens and then I realize, hey, I would not have done that before.
Apparently the library was the place for this today as I was walking through the 4th floor labyrinth looking for the IT office. As I was walking back out, I felt a bit of anxiety - really, it was a little creepy up there - and I thought, hey, don't get anxious, just look around and see what you can take away from this. Instead of walking with my head down, heart racing, I let my eyes wander around - reading names and numbers on doors, noticing parts of the walls were wood while others were plaster. There was even an old card catalog at the end of one of the turns. I stopped and opened one of the drawers to see if there were actually cards in there. There was. I chuckled to myself as I remember using the card catalog. As I walked back to my car, I took my time. I could. I did not have to be back at my office ASAP. Again, I gave myself permission to walk as slow (or fast) as I wanted to and to just enjoy it. It has turned out to be such a beautiful day that I figured I could soak a little of it in.
As I started class back in September and started working through the program, I remember how much I gained strength from "getting permission." So many questions from me that were similar to, "you mean it is ok to...." There were so many endings - feel a certain way, react a certain way, want, choose, fight, stand, and more. Since I ask a lot of questions (sometimes the same ones over and over - yet I have warned people that I do this), even though I got past the "it is ok" part, then I needed to understand that it was ok for me. It became two parts - it is ok to (feel, react, choose, etc.) and it is ok *for me* to (feel, react, choose, etc.). Fighting that double standard meant I needed the yes answer for the second part far more than the first. Each time that second part came back "yes" I took that as permission. I was allowed to (feel, react, choose, etc.) because I had been told it was ok, I had been given permission to do so.
Somewhere recently, I started giving my own self permission. I am not even really sure when that started, yet I am just now going "well, would you look at that!" I'm not sure if I have started asking less "is this ok" questions in correlation with it or not. I guess I will need to find that out. I find myself thinking things like "it really is ok if you...." and not even second guessing. I do still like to get that validation from another (and there are still plenty of scenarios where I may not be completely sure of things) and it would seem that it is not fully required anymore. I can go, experience, and live simply because I give myself permission to do so. [I'm going to guess there will be a YIPPEE! associated with this...and maybe one of the biggest ones I have earned so far. Heck there may even be an extra big hug associated with it.]
Maybe that is why I don't seem to completely freak out as my first reaction anymore. I'm not hanging off the side of the cliff for dear life tossing a coin to see if I am going to climb or let go. I don't have to go to that place. I know I don't have to go there, I have been told (there's that choice element). Possibly just as important, I have given myself permission to not go there. Once again, who knew??
I'm going to go with the idea that this is a good thing as well as an empowering thing. I'm starting to take on one of the bigger challenges I am facing right now. How much more successful I can be if I am at a place where I will allow myself to make choices and decisions without a big internal debate. I don't have to ask anymore, "is it ok for me to ask for and accept help" because I know it is. Although still a bit scary when it comes to actually doing it (one step at a time), I give myself full permission to do so.
Yes, Blewy, I give you full permission to ask for help whenever you want to and even take a hand when it is offered. Grab it without worry because you have permission to still be concerned about not being able to let go - yet let's cross that bridge if/when we get there.
I am not sure where the next chapter of the journey to get healthy is headed and yet I do know this - I give myself permission to go there (and even bring some friends along).
The key element here is that I turned back around and went a looked at it. Usually I would have kept walking. Sure, I would have continued to be curious, yet I would not have given myself permission to go back and look. I know, kind of sounds silly, eh? I am realizing some things that I am not sure how to explain at times. There are sometimes those "ah-ha" type moments or things like today. It happens and then I realize, hey, I would not have done that before.
Apparently the library was the place for this today as I was walking through the 4th floor labyrinth looking for the IT office. As I was walking back out, I felt a bit of anxiety - really, it was a little creepy up there - and I thought, hey, don't get anxious, just look around and see what you can take away from this. Instead of walking with my head down, heart racing, I let my eyes wander around - reading names and numbers on doors, noticing parts of the walls were wood while others were plaster. There was even an old card catalog at the end of one of the turns. I stopped and opened one of the drawers to see if there were actually cards in there. There was. I chuckled to myself as I remember using the card catalog. As I walked back to my car, I took my time. I could. I did not have to be back at my office ASAP. Again, I gave myself permission to walk as slow (or fast) as I wanted to and to just enjoy it. It has turned out to be such a beautiful day that I figured I could soak a little of it in.
As I started class back in September and started working through the program, I remember how much I gained strength from "getting permission." So many questions from me that were similar to, "you mean it is ok to...." There were so many endings - feel a certain way, react a certain way, want, choose, fight, stand, and more. Since I ask a lot of questions (sometimes the same ones over and over - yet I have warned people that I do this), even though I got past the "it is ok" part, then I needed to understand that it was ok for me. It became two parts - it is ok to (feel, react, choose, etc.) and it is ok *for me* to (feel, react, choose, etc.). Fighting that double standard meant I needed the yes answer for the second part far more than the first. Each time that second part came back "yes" I took that as permission. I was allowed to (feel, react, choose, etc.) because I had been told it was ok, I had been given permission to do so.
Somewhere recently, I started giving my own self permission. I am not even really sure when that started, yet I am just now going "well, would you look at that!" I'm not sure if I have started asking less "is this ok" questions in correlation with it or not. I guess I will need to find that out. I find myself thinking things like "it really is ok if you...." and not even second guessing. I do still like to get that validation from another (and there are still plenty of scenarios where I may not be completely sure of things) and it would seem that it is not fully required anymore. I can go, experience, and live simply because I give myself permission to do so. [I'm going to guess there will be a YIPPEE! associated with this...and maybe one of the biggest ones I have earned so far. Heck there may even be an extra big hug associated with it.]
Maybe that is why I don't seem to completely freak out as my first reaction anymore. I'm not hanging off the side of the cliff for dear life tossing a coin to see if I am going to climb or let go. I don't have to go to that place. I know I don't have to go there, I have been told (there's that choice element). Possibly just as important, I have given myself permission to not go there. Once again, who knew??
Yes, Blewy, I give you full permission to ask for help whenever you want to and even take a hand when it is offered. Grab it without worry because you have permission to still be concerned about not being able to let go - yet let's cross that bridge if/when we get there.
I am not sure where the next chapter of the journey to get healthy is headed and yet I do know this - I give myself permission to go there (and even bring some friends along).