No, not fine.
I made a comment in my last session to the effect that you know when I am really struggling with something because it doesn't make the blog. I thought about that for quite a while the rest of the day and since. Seeing that my writing has been such a powerful tool to help me work through thoughts, ideas, issues, fears, and more, why would I choose to not use it? I do believe the words are avoidance, willfulness, and denial. In other words, it will go away, I can fix it myself, and it is not that bad yet. Seriously, this is where I need one of my friends to pin me to a wall, get in my face, and say, "what do you think you are doing!" For some reason, no one ever wants to fill that role.
My problems with my eating situation have gotten a good grip on me and I have to do something now before I get buried even deeper. No more "well, I am better than I was" comments (as they rank up there with the "oh ya, I'm fine" comments that I've been humbled for this past week). Yes, valid and true, yet not overly realistic in the big scheme of things. Let's be honest, one step forward may be better than where I was, yet I need to be willing to be a lot farther along than just one step. I also need to be completely honest with myself just how big that step really is. So it is time to make myself sit here and write. Let the thoughts come out because we all know how well I do it verbally. Not sure where this will go, yet it has to be done. Once it is out here, there is no turning back. Today is a new day and a new chance to start over and be healthy. It's also a new day to quit fooling myself with the simple thought that I am fine...or maybe I just need to define/redefine what I call "fine".
"Your screening results are consistent with symptoms of an eating disorder." That result has come up multiple times now over the past year. I get it. I have even been saying that I struggle with an eating disorder for quite a while now. Even have looked in the mirror and said it to myself plenty of times. It rolls off my tongue without out a problem. It also sits in my mind flashing like a neon sign at the end of the day when I think back to what I have ate or not ate. I've accepted that it exists even if I am still struggling with what to do about it. Kind of like a big scarlet letter, "yup, there it is, don't know what to do with it, yet there it is." It has almost become no more than a way to rationalize the unhealthy behavior. Here is what I have finally woke up and realized: It is not going to go away on its own, I cannot fix it by myself, and it is a lot worse than I want to admit.
I would like to think I can give myself a little bit of credit - the eating struggles have been on my mind constantly since the Fall. I had hoped it was just one more item in the list of self-destructive behaviors that I needed to learn to modify. As I got through those types of urges, the food issues would just resolve themselves. It made sense at the time. Of course by Thanksgiving I knew I was in trouble. I can still vividly remember those wonderful anxiety attacks at the holiday potluck and while grocery shopping. Kind of like someone standing there, pointing at all the food, and going "you have no control over this, it has control over you." And after I realized just how true that was, I threw down my stubborn gauntlet and exclaimed that I would fix it and I would fix it on my own. I would fix it as quietly behind the scenes as I could. Guess what, hasn't worked so well. Yes, I am better than I was in November, and yet I am not really better.
I deceive myself.
I tell myself how proud I am that I am not abstaining from eating like I was late summer - no more protein deficiency! Yah, so I get my protein allotment in for the day...and still eat less than 1000 calories if I can...a lot less than a 1000 if I can pull it off. Newsflash - still not eating. I can tell myself to call it whatever I want yet the truth is, I am not eating - I am abstaining from food far beyond a healthy range. In fear of not being able to control my eating, I simply don't do it or I live on protein shakes. Can't really overeat with a pre-measured protein shake. And...it's 17 grams of protein....and thank goodness only 100 calories and 3 carbs.
I'm obsessed with a calorie count. I struggle with the simple thought, "if I eat, I will gain weight." Even when I rationally know this to be a huge myth (if eating nutritious) and I have seen the effects on both sides, that phrase holds absolutely way too much power over me. In reality, I should never be below 1200 and should be a lot closer to 1500. This doesn't even factor in days of exercise and workouts. I just smile, make a joke, and say, "don't worry, I won't pass out on you" while in my mind I just hope I can keep the promise. I can't really explain it, yet there is a "feeling" you get when you are working out and have no fuel in your tank and you just keep pushing it. It's not pleasant. No, this is not how I should be thinking.
I often joke how after surgery I can't physically throw up, so that is a plus! Yes, this is true, I can't and the scary thing is, if I could, I absolutely know I would. I never thought I would even entertain that idea, yet it has grown in the past year and is always there. You know, I have loved all the support and positive comments as I have received as I have lost weight. It does make you feel good to have people acknowledge your hard work. Besides, warm fuzzies and accolades make you smile and helps boost that self-esteem that you struggle with to keep up on your own. The dark side of it is when you start telling yourself how you can't let all those people down. They've been so proud of you that you have to make sure you don't gain weight again. Matter of fact, keep losing. If you stumble or fail, it's like failing them. It's a double edged sword. For as much encouragement as it fosters, it also fuels a lot of unhealthy desires. They have done nothing wrong by giving support, it is my allowing myself to let it feed the destructive thoughts that has been wrong. I have a fear of the day that for some reason I do manage to throw up because it could open a doorway that I pray stays shut and locked.
But I can't throw up, so this is good, right?? No, it isn't because when you find yourself double and tripling prescription diuretics until you are so dehydrated you are sick, you might as well be throwing up. Not to mention that it bottoms out your blood pressure to the point you can hardly stand up. Let's not forget that it likes to make you try to pass out while driving too. What the hell, the only way I am going to make myself stop is to be brutally honest. When you spend way too long in the diet pill isle reading boxes to see which would be the best to kill your appetite so you will eat even less, something should be ringing a warning bell. It does. You stand there and can hear that part in your mind trying to rationalize with you. So far I have been able to put the boxes down, yet then go walk up and down the alcohol isle telling myself I already am messed up, why not jump off the wagon too.
I can honestly say that I have not gone the route of laxatives (although that has been seriously contemplated), yet I know exactly what foods to eat that will result in the same effect. It's easy to say, "I ate something that didn't settle well" (and there are times when that is true...like my food poising earlier this year - that WAS NOT deliberate!) and know that you not only ate it because you knew how your body would react, yet you ate a lot of it. Throw in a few Lasix on top of that and you are guaranteed to lose weight...then spend a few days in bed "with the flu" as your body tries to compensate and recover. Again, I find myself sitting here thinking, "what the hell are you doing to yourself" because if I found out that someone I knew was doing this to themselves, I'd beat their ass. Ok, maybe not. I do remember a dear friend who struggled with bulimia and we were all aware of it and when we tried to intervene she would just look at us and say "It's my eating disorder, until you find me passed out, leave me alone." I would like to think that I can get some grip on this before someone finds me passed out.
I need help. I know this. This is not the first time I have said this, although possibly the first time I have really realized it. One problem is, I don't know who to go to. I don't who to ask. I don't know who to ask to find out who to go to. I thought that starting with the nutritionist almost 6 weeks ago was a good step. As I have mentioned before, that did not really go the way I had hoped. You know, if you are going to have on your profile that your areas of interest include bariatric and eating disorders, then when someone tells you that they are struggling with both, don't nervously say "so, do you have that under control?" because I am going to read that as you don't want to address it and therefore I am going to give you my standard answer, "yes, I am fine." So that pretty much bombed.
I haven't given up. I know how much class has helped with many of my other struggles. I have picked up a book that uses DBT skills to help with emotional eating. I know it isn't the golden answer and yet it is a start, it is something. When I think about it all, it is behaviors. If I can figure out how to change the behaviors, then hopefully the rest will fall into line. (I do believe that was suggested to me before, now I understand the process a little better.) I'm excited to start reading it (after I finish bearing my soul in this post). I know I still need help from a nutritionist yet I would like someone I feel comfortable around. I got to thinking the other day of the gal I saw about 5 years ago. She was awesome and we really built a strong relationship of trust. She ended up changing jobs and I never clicked with the new person like I did with her. I still had her name so, relying on my "homework sheet 2 skills" I decided I would try to find her in hopes she was still working as nutritionist. It took a few days, yet I found her. I dropped her a message of who I was and hoped that she would remember me. Also asking if she was still in practice anywhere.
Yesterday I got a reply from her. She did remember me yet she was not working right now, she is finish her doctorate. I was kind of proud of myself because I could have just dropped it right there. Instead, I wrote her back, gave a very brief summary of how I had been and that I had surgery (we had often talked about this) and I was struggling with the nutrition. Then I asked (again, kudos to interpersonal effectiveness) if she might be willing to meet up for an hour some afternoon and just talk and offer me a little guidance. I figured I would get a no, yet according to "the formula" it was appropriate to ask. I was pleasantly surprised to get a response this afternoon that she would love to get together and talk. Lesson learned - sometimes it does pay off to just ask.
So here I am. I'm taking it one hour at a time. I know I have to eat. I don't want to eat. My mind still sees food as something bad. Even when I know I need to, have to, should, (am I skipping any words here), I fight every bite I take. At least at home I can be shamed in private. I hate to eat in front of other people because it is like having to put on a show. If you don't eat, you get questioned. I actually have stopped going out with the office on the monthly luncheons because I got tired of being asked why I wasn't eating anything. You would be amazed how uncomfortable it seems to make other people when you just get a glass of water. Even if you tell them some excuse, they just get all weird about it. It is easier to just not go.
It is difficult to enjoy food that I may like because I have to be so aware of how much I eat. I love turkey, especially a turkey roast made in the crock-pot with a can of cream of mushroom soup (throw in some potatoes/rice and vegetables and it is heaven). Four ounces. Four ounces that I can eat in about four bites is what I allow myself at one shot. If I want more, tough. I can have more in three hours or the next day. Still hungry, tough. And thus, just a small peek at the mental war. I'm hungry now. I've been physically hungry for the last two hours. I also know that I am at 1110 calories for the day, so there's no way I am going to eat something. Since the holidays I have put on 15 pounds. Not good. When you are huge, 15 lbs gained or lost really doesn't show. At the size I am now, you can tell a 15 lb difference.
I used to really think I knew how to do this. I knew what to eat, how much, when, etc. etc. And maybe that is true, maybe I really do have that knowledge. I don't think I understand how to do it in a healthy way. All the knowledge in the world isn't going to make a difference if I can't do it safely and wisely.
Time to go crack open my new book.
My problems with my eating situation have gotten a good grip on me and I have to do something now before I get buried even deeper. No more "well, I am better than I was" comments (as they rank up there with the "oh ya, I'm fine" comments that I've been humbled for this past week). Yes, valid and true, yet not overly realistic in the big scheme of things. Let's be honest, one step forward may be better than where I was, yet I need to be willing to be a lot farther along than just one step. I also need to be completely honest with myself just how big that step really is. So it is time to make myself sit here and write. Let the thoughts come out because we all know how well I do it verbally. Not sure where this will go, yet it has to be done. Once it is out here, there is no turning back. Today is a new day and a new chance to start over and be healthy. It's also a new day to quit fooling myself with the simple thought that I am fine...or maybe I just need to define/redefine what I call "fine".
"Your screening results are consistent with symptoms of an eating disorder." That result has come up multiple times now over the past year. I get it. I have even been saying that I struggle with an eating disorder for quite a while now. Even have looked in the mirror and said it to myself plenty of times. It rolls off my tongue without out a problem. It also sits in my mind flashing like a neon sign at the end of the day when I think back to what I have ate or not ate. I've accepted that it exists even if I am still struggling with what to do about it. Kind of like a big scarlet letter, "yup, there it is, don't know what to do with it, yet there it is." It has almost become no more than a way to rationalize the unhealthy behavior. Here is what I have finally woke up and realized: It is not going to go away on its own, I cannot fix it by myself, and it is a lot worse than I want to admit.
I would like to think I can give myself a little bit of credit - the eating struggles have been on my mind constantly since the Fall. I had hoped it was just one more item in the list of self-destructive behaviors that I needed to learn to modify. As I got through those types of urges, the food issues would just resolve themselves. It made sense at the time. Of course by Thanksgiving I knew I was in trouble. I can still vividly remember those wonderful anxiety attacks at the holiday potluck and while grocery shopping. Kind of like someone standing there, pointing at all the food, and going "you have no control over this, it has control over you." And after I realized just how true that was, I threw down my stubborn gauntlet and exclaimed that I would fix it and I would fix it on my own. I would fix it as quietly behind the scenes as I could. Guess what, hasn't worked so well. Yes, I am better than I was in November, and yet I am not really better.
I deceive myself.
I tell myself how proud I am that I am not abstaining from eating like I was late summer - no more protein deficiency! Yah, so I get my protein allotment in for the day...and still eat less than 1000 calories if I can...a lot less than a 1000 if I can pull it off. Newsflash - still not eating. I can tell myself to call it whatever I want yet the truth is, I am not eating - I am abstaining from food far beyond a healthy range. In fear of not being able to control my eating, I simply don't do it or I live on protein shakes. Can't really overeat with a pre-measured protein shake. And...it's 17 grams of protein....and thank goodness only 100 calories and 3 carbs.
I'm obsessed with a calorie count. I struggle with the simple thought, "if I eat, I will gain weight." Even when I rationally know this to be a huge myth (if eating nutritious) and I have seen the effects on both sides, that phrase holds absolutely way too much power over me. In reality, I should never be below 1200 and should be a lot closer to 1500. This doesn't even factor in days of exercise and workouts. I just smile, make a joke, and say, "don't worry, I won't pass out on you" while in my mind I just hope I can keep the promise. I can't really explain it, yet there is a "feeling" you get when you are working out and have no fuel in your tank and you just keep pushing it. It's not pleasant. No, this is not how I should be thinking.
I often joke how after surgery I can't physically throw up, so that is a plus! Yes, this is true, I can't and the scary thing is, if I could, I absolutely know I would. I never thought I would even entertain that idea, yet it has grown in the past year and is always there. You know, I have loved all the support and positive comments as I have received as I have lost weight. It does make you feel good to have people acknowledge your hard work. Besides, warm fuzzies and accolades make you smile and helps boost that self-esteem that you struggle with to keep up on your own. The dark side of it is when you start telling yourself how you can't let all those people down. They've been so proud of you that you have to make sure you don't gain weight again. Matter of fact, keep losing. If you stumble or fail, it's like failing them. It's a double edged sword. For as much encouragement as it fosters, it also fuels a lot of unhealthy desires. They have done nothing wrong by giving support, it is my allowing myself to let it feed the destructive thoughts that has been wrong. I have a fear of the day that for some reason I do manage to throw up because it could open a doorway that I pray stays shut and locked.
But I can't throw up, so this is good, right?? No, it isn't because when you find yourself double and tripling prescription diuretics until you are so dehydrated you are sick, you might as well be throwing up. Not to mention that it bottoms out your blood pressure to the point you can hardly stand up. Let's not forget that it likes to make you try to pass out while driving too. What the hell, the only way I am going to make myself stop is to be brutally honest. When you spend way too long in the diet pill isle reading boxes to see which would be the best to kill your appetite so you will eat even less, something should be ringing a warning bell. It does. You stand there and can hear that part in your mind trying to rationalize with you. So far I have been able to put the boxes down, yet then go walk up and down the alcohol isle telling myself I already am messed up, why not jump off the wagon too.
I can honestly say that I have not gone the route of laxatives (although that has been seriously contemplated), yet I know exactly what foods to eat that will result in the same effect. It's easy to say, "I ate something that didn't settle well" (and there are times when that is true...like my food poising earlier this year - that WAS NOT deliberate!) and know that you not only ate it because you knew how your body would react, yet you ate a lot of it. Throw in a few Lasix on top of that and you are guaranteed to lose weight...then spend a few days in bed "with the flu" as your body tries to compensate and recover. Again, I find myself sitting here thinking, "what the hell are you doing to yourself" because if I found out that someone I knew was doing this to themselves, I'd beat their ass. Ok, maybe not. I do remember a dear friend who struggled with bulimia and we were all aware of it and when we tried to intervene she would just look at us and say "It's my eating disorder, until you find me passed out, leave me alone." I would like to think that I can get some grip on this before someone finds me passed out.
I need help. I know this. This is not the first time I have said this, although possibly the first time I have really realized it. One problem is, I don't know who to go to. I don't who to ask. I don't know who to ask to find out who to go to. I thought that starting with the nutritionist almost 6 weeks ago was a good step. As I have mentioned before, that did not really go the way I had hoped. You know, if you are going to have on your profile that your areas of interest include bariatric and eating disorders, then when someone tells you that they are struggling with both, don't nervously say "so, do you have that under control?" because I am going to read that as you don't want to address it and therefore I am going to give you my standard answer, "yes, I am fine." So that pretty much bombed.
I haven't given up. I know how much class has helped with many of my other struggles. I have picked up a book that uses DBT skills to help with emotional eating. I know it isn't the golden answer and yet it is a start, it is something. When I think about it all, it is behaviors. If I can figure out how to change the behaviors, then hopefully the rest will fall into line. (I do believe that was suggested to me before, now I understand the process a little better.) I'm excited to start reading it (after I finish bearing my soul in this post). I know I still need help from a nutritionist yet I would like someone I feel comfortable around. I got to thinking the other day of the gal I saw about 5 years ago. She was awesome and we really built a strong relationship of trust. She ended up changing jobs and I never clicked with the new person like I did with her. I still had her name so, relying on my "homework sheet 2 skills" I decided I would try to find her in hopes she was still working as nutritionist. It took a few days, yet I found her. I dropped her a message of who I was and hoped that she would remember me. Also asking if she was still in practice anywhere.
Yesterday I got a reply from her. She did remember me yet she was not working right now, she is finish her doctorate. I was kind of proud of myself because I could have just dropped it right there. Instead, I wrote her back, gave a very brief summary of how I had been and that I had surgery (we had often talked about this) and I was struggling with the nutrition. Then I asked (again, kudos to interpersonal effectiveness) if she might be willing to meet up for an hour some afternoon and just talk and offer me a little guidance. I figured I would get a no, yet according to "the formula" it was appropriate to ask. I was pleasantly surprised to get a response this afternoon that she would love to get together and talk. Lesson learned - sometimes it does pay off to just ask.
So here I am. I'm taking it one hour at a time. I know I have to eat. I don't want to eat. My mind still sees food as something bad. Even when I know I need to, have to, should, (am I skipping any words here), I fight every bite I take. At least at home I can be shamed in private. I hate to eat in front of other people because it is like having to put on a show. If you don't eat, you get questioned. I actually have stopped going out with the office on the monthly luncheons because I got tired of being asked why I wasn't eating anything. You would be amazed how uncomfortable it seems to make other people when you just get a glass of water. Even if you tell them some excuse, they just get all weird about it. It is easier to just not go.
It is difficult to enjoy food that I may like because I have to be so aware of how much I eat. I love turkey, especially a turkey roast made in the crock-pot with a can of cream of mushroom soup (throw in some potatoes/rice and vegetables and it is heaven). Four ounces. Four ounces that I can eat in about four bites is what I allow myself at one shot. If I want more, tough. I can have more in three hours or the next day. Still hungry, tough. And thus, just a small peek at the mental war. I'm hungry now. I've been physically hungry for the last two hours. I also know that I am at 1110 calories for the day, so there's no way I am going to eat something. Since the holidays I have put on 15 pounds. Not good. When you are huge, 15 lbs gained or lost really doesn't show. At the size I am now, you can tell a 15 lb difference.
I used to really think I knew how to do this. I knew what to eat, how much, when, etc. etc. And maybe that is true, maybe I really do have that knowledge. I don't think I understand how to do it in a healthy way. All the knowledge in the world isn't going to make a difference if I can't do it safely and wisely.
Time to go crack open my new book.