Tengo verguenza
In Spanish there is a phrase, "tengo verguenza" which literally translates out to "I have shame" although it is generally used in a broader sense. In Argentina, it was kind of a catch all phrase that could have meant you were afraid, unsure, not secure, uneasy, and other words such as these. If you were not completely confident in doing something, this was the phrase that you would utter. Actually, I think in all the times I heard it used (and used it myself), it never really did fall under having shame. One phrase that conveyed so many messages.
It is mostly a sense of insecurity or unknown that leaves you at a place where you may not know just how things will come out, if you can complete a task, or how you will be received. I may choose not to do or say something because I am so not sure of the unknown outcome that I feel it is safer to just abstain. This is verguenza.
I don't know what happened in session yesterday, yet I came in on edge, afraid, and anxious and left quite calm and was able to stay that way for the majority of the day. Even today I have thought back to it and tried to find "that moment" where it let up, yet I have no clue. I know that by the end I was like, "oh, hey, look at that, I'm doing ok." I even had a co-worker say that it was nice to see me laughing and that she'd be glad to send a thank you note to my therapist. As I chuckled, I thought to myself that apparently my "happy-go-lucky" front must not work as well as I think it does.
By the time I got home last night, the anxiety had returned. I had difficulty getting the door unlocked as my hands were shaking so bad I couldn't get the key into the lock very well. There were some of those "well, it was nice while it lasted" thoughts and I called it a night. I awoke today back to the cycle of it all. I sat on the edge of my bed and just kept saying, "you cannot keep doing this."
As much as I wanted to just crawl back under the covers and not get up all day, I took a few deep breaths and got up. I think for the most part it has been more of a sense of uneasiness than the full anxiety. The stronger has came and gone a few times, yet for the most part, it has been more of that feeling of things "being off."
I ended up at the farm for a few hours this afternoon. This is where the gal who is like my big sister lives. They had a computer crash and I am their knight in shining armour for all things tech. She also has been trying to get me out there recently because she knew something was going on. She should be able to figure me out, she is the one I learned a lot of my "don't let them know how you are really feeling" tricks from.
We talked a lot about how things were all those years ago. She had lived with us for awhile and was always around. She had another perspective of things that I didn't have. I asked a lot of "how did you see it" questions and shared how I saw things - then as a kid and now as an adult looking back.
She validated a lot of what I was feeling which helped because I often wonder if I am just over-reacting or seeing things the wrong way. I have a lot of questions that really don't have answers unless you were there. At one point I just asked, "it was bad, wasn't it?" and she replied that looking back at it now that, for both us kids, yes it was. I made the comment that I had brought up in session that I had suggested that maybe I needed to have been a better kid. She shot that down quicker than it got shot down in session.
She told me she was worried about me, and I let her know she had good reason to be. I assured her I was getting help and even though it has been difficult to accept help when it is offered, I was trying.
I ran away this evening. Last night I took the Covington missionary sisters out for dinner and tonight I road tripped to Charleston to take the sisters there out. Sister Rudd came in last transfer and it had been quite a while since I saw her. Tomorrow we have some missionaries visiting church, one who has started her mission in Danville over a year ago. With Monday being a holiday and in the effort to keep me from doing the 5k, I am headed south to see Elder Erickson and then head back via Springfield to see Sisters Bierman and Amos. The missionaries have such an amazing spirit about them. I am lucky to be able to be a part of it. It helps remind me to keep hanging in there.
Sometimes just being in the presence of someone with a powerful spirit can bring a quiet peacefulness to your soul. I am blessed to have many of those people in my life. I just have to keep working on moving away from having verguenza and giving myself permission to feel it.
It is mostly a sense of insecurity or unknown that leaves you at a place where you may not know just how things will come out, if you can complete a task, or how you will be received. I may choose not to do or say something because I am so not sure of the unknown outcome that I feel it is safer to just abstain. This is verguenza.
I don't know what happened in session yesterday, yet I came in on edge, afraid, and anxious and left quite calm and was able to stay that way for the majority of the day. Even today I have thought back to it and tried to find "that moment" where it let up, yet I have no clue. I know that by the end I was like, "oh, hey, look at that, I'm doing ok." I even had a co-worker say that it was nice to see me laughing and that she'd be glad to send a thank you note to my therapist. As I chuckled, I thought to myself that apparently my "happy-go-lucky" front must not work as well as I think it does.
By the time I got home last night, the anxiety had returned. I had difficulty getting the door unlocked as my hands were shaking so bad I couldn't get the key into the lock very well. There were some of those "well, it was nice while it lasted" thoughts and I called it a night. I awoke today back to the cycle of it all. I sat on the edge of my bed and just kept saying, "you cannot keep doing this."
As much as I wanted to just crawl back under the covers and not get up all day, I took a few deep breaths and got up. I think for the most part it has been more of a sense of uneasiness than the full anxiety. The stronger has came and gone a few times, yet for the most part, it has been more of that feeling of things "being off."
I ended up at the farm for a few hours this afternoon. This is where the gal who is like my big sister lives. They had a computer crash and I am their knight in shining armour for all things tech. She also has been trying to get me out there recently because she knew something was going on. She should be able to figure me out, she is the one I learned a lot of my "don't let them know how you are really feeling" tricks from.
We talked a lot about how things were all those years ago. She had lived with us for awhile and was always around. She had another perspective of things that I didn't have. I asked a lot of "how did you see it" questions and shared how I saw things - then as a kid and now as an adult looking back.
She validated a lot of what I was feeling which helped because I often wonder if I am just over-reacting or seeing things the wrong way. I have a lot of questions that really don't have answers unless you were there. At one point I just asked, "it was bad, wasn't it?" and she replied that looking back at it now that, for both us kids, yes it was. I made the comment that I had brought up in session that I had suggested that maybe I needed to have been a better kid. She shot that down quicker than it got shot down in session.
She told me she was worried about me, and I let her know she had good reason to be. I assured her I was getting help and even though it has been difficult to accept help when it is offered, I was trying.
I ran away this evening. Last night I took the Covington missionary sisters out for dinner and tonight I road tripped to Charleston to take the sisters there out. Sister Rudd came in last transfer and it had been quite a while since I saw her. Tomorrow we have some missionaries visiting church, one who has started her mission in Danville over a year ago. With Monday being a holiday and in the effort to keep me from doing the 5k, I am headed south to see Elder Erickson and then head back via Springfield to see Sisters Bierman and Amos. The missionaries have such an amazing spirit about them. I am lucky to be able to be a part of it. It helps remind me to keep hanging in there.
Sometimes just being in the presence of someone with a powerful spirit can bring a quiet peacefulness to your soul. I am blessed to have many of those people in my life. I just have to keep working on moving away from having verguenza and giving myself permission to feel it.